11. Belongs to high risk group (CMU CS graduate students) [peterb]
10. Goes through $10k of ass-balm a week [jeffrey]
9. Refusal to remove Mattel Cher Doll from rectum posing increasing health risk [kosak]
8. High-resolution porn monitor needed to reduce eye-strain during "ergonomic breaks". [magus]
7. Lack of gag reflex a possible sign of severe neurological damage [kosak]
6. Risk of drowning in the UC hot tub while fantasizing about swim team hotties deemed far too high. [peterb]
5. Risk of heat stroke from lingering in the steam room with the tragic swim team hottie while waiting for that fat guy to leave [kosak]
4. Chronic case of Tennis Elbow -- And he's never played the game! [tfm@ANDREW.CMU.EDU]
3. Frequent use of Java leads to dangerously high blood pressure. [tomault]
2. Lingering injuries suffered at the hands of C. Thomas Howell's bodyguards deemed "pre-existing condition" [magus]
1. Wouldn't put out for the cute female clerk that reviewed his case file. [peterb]