The Cube:

I'm too introverted to mix with all those other introverts.

If I enjoyed seizures, I would be in an ideal situation.

One student, Dixie Thoman, created a poem about menstruation with syllables
arranged in a mathematically harmonious order, known as the Fibonacci
sequence.

It's all Bjarne's Fault.

I smell an architecture astronaut.

if you think its a risk, you could throw one of your little force
fields around it.

I'm the guy who's dumb enough to forget about ideal gas laws and thereby get
sprayed with yogurt.

It unveils unsuspected erotic potential in every seemingly neutral legume.

Frankly, the number of corner-cases you "customers" find horrifies me.

A banana in the high-speed card-reader.  Brilliant!

I don't want the BBC thrusting bottoms in my face on Christmas
morning.

Let's face it, you're somebody who believes that little
dry wheat wafers turn into Jesus-meat every Sunday on contact with
saliva, and that man-on-man buttsex is a grave disorder unless one of
the participants is wearing a frock.  Your other issues are in the 
noise.

My preferred solution is a retreat into triviality, irrelevance, and
self-indulgent self-absorption.

we're talking COD EXTINCTION, THAT IS SERIOUS

A proper analysis requires transforming to the eigenbooby basis.

The line must be drawn HERE!

and yes, I'll have golden armour with wide curves capable of
containing my ample bosom

Look. That's a saucer. *That's* boring.

I'm gonna wear you, seersucka!

That's not just a mirror universe, that's a funhouse mirror universe.

That can't be a real word!

You're not just being derivative, you're being second derivative.

note to self: blood really stands out on a white keyboard

Why beat a dead horse with a hammer when you have a perfectly good
piano?

Penguins are encouraged to report other penguins who misbehave.

OK!  Everyone not talking about sex... in here.  The rest, out there.

It might sound funny to others, but suddenly thinking you are French is
terrifying.

Oh, I give up.  Someone carpet bomb his house with Far Side calendars.

Do you really want to be known as the guy who thinks creepy
semi-pathological men's room solicitation is an inalienable right?

The point is that *you* have not observed the ass stuffing.

better an airy asshole than a hairy one

I know one indecently large shitload of exceptions.

I don't see what the size of Milton Berle's ding dong has to do with anything.

that's okay, I'll just wait until you go to sleep tonight...
then I'll cut you in half and count the rings.

Oh look, I wiggled my pinkie, and now I'm sopping wet.

I told you not to have sex with Cthulhu.

LOOK MALFOY BE HAVING ALBINO PEACOCKS LOLOLOLOLZ!

Please click the Refresh button or fill your CD-ROM drawer tray with jam.

That way lies madness (and, y'know, cruel experiments with flies and so forth)

I doubt you actually know anything.

vous parle whatthefuck?

However, it is true that I have no idea what I am talking about.

I can't afford to get stupider right now

The narrow way stretches wearily before me and my soul grows sluggish
and torpid at the thought of the painful life journey

NO SCREAMING / NO BLEEDING

WISHING YOU ALL INTO THE CORNFIELD

Animated shiny ass is his bread and butter.

Did he at least threaten someone with a crumpet?

To win this war, we may need science.

The sight of a G7 nation locked in mortal combat with a hand puppet is
somewhat bewildering.

I suppose "run screaming" is a plan of sorts

It wasn't a massacre, officer. It was science.

Stunning!  Wholesome!  Mildly Orwellian!

Mostly it just screams "BEHOLD my stunning generality" and looks pretty.

come to the dark side; we have parametric polymorphism

I have it on good authority that this happened in 1969 at Oxford, on a
gloomy autumn afternoon, while Dana Scott was resting on the couch in
his study.

They might as well just put a "Talk to Live Child Molesters NOW!" button on the
startup screen.

fortunately the gin numbs the pain a bit.

The idea of something like a long sausage, vibrating softly, full of warm
treacle, has certain attractions as a sexual toy.

it only needs to understand sexual frustration,
self-pity, baiting, and filk.

Oh It! Et uh uck away um ee ish!

Where's "Discust?"  Near Gdansk?

Mmmmmmm.  Porn-wrapped gopher.  That's good eatin'

I'M NOT JOKING, PUNK.

"When I see garbage in the sink I feel sad."

The body is a tool for the spirit and the spirit is a divine song. The
holy tool should not be used for sexual intentions.

I will totally do the nyeaah nyeaaah dance.

You are seriously shivering me timbers

I think you'll need some padding before Penthouse will take that one.

Great minds run in similar gutters.

Somewhere in between those two developments I turned into a crotchety old man

When I am alone in the shower, I don't care

can we wear pants for the hug this time? last time was a little weird.

My personal solution would be really long extension cords.

enlarged, red and throbbing, what's not to want?

There are so many ways to like monkeys, and most of them are kinda unhealthy.

Admittedly, the Yeltsin nude scene sort of balances that out.

The way I see it, there's so much love and beauty in the world,
and someone has to balance that shit out

There's God right there and God is clearly on fire.

don't smudge the pentagram on your way out

Also, I have a keep.  With a ginormous sentient spider hanging out in the 
basement.  It knitted me a cloak.

Ok, *now* I hate you.

There were multiple BZZZZZT AAAAAHHHHHs

THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON WITH A TRIPLE-WORD SCORE 

von Neumann machines that melt things -- what could go wrong?

Suspension of disbelief doesn't get any more heroic than this.

Well, let's face it.. there's no dignity in saying "Dog Yeti Nutcase Apple
Mother Otter Otter" on the telephone.

You are entering a world of pain.

I think she's always pleasantly surprised when someone i introduce her
to isn't a complete sociopath.

However, most are not terribly musical, and typically 
merely rumble or rustle, or squeak unpleasantly when stepped upon.

It is not believed to have caused anyone to explode.

I believe S. Mixx-a-Lot disproved that in his thesis, "Baby Got Back".

Art at the CIA should engender feelings of well-being and hope.

press 1 for NO
press 2 for HELL NO

while ($s =~ /\(([\w\-\@\%\!\~\#\&]*) \. ("(?:\\.|[^\"\\])*"|[\w\-]*|\((?:"(?:\\.|[^\"\\])*"\s*)*\))\)/) # Because I could, that's why

That won't work because God isn't dumb.

The War on Flatulence is not going to be an easy sell

Someone has my C++ answer book that deals with this nightmare.

I love the smell of brute force in the morning.

pump-pump-pump-blow, that's all there is to it

fucking REDACTED fucking returns REDACTED on REDACTED.  fuck.

Yeah.  It's a stack smasher.

Don't make me go over there and fuck your skull.

My girlfriend might get jealous.

I've just thought of a good use for my deceased granny's collection of 
spring-jawed rabbit traps.

That's the equivalent of running around the streets with a turkey baster full
of sperm, impregnating happy childless women.

Let's keep your hostility to Jesus out of this.  

Let the cutting commence

you always say the cutest things

oh, I realize I was conceptualizing a BEJEWELEDvagina game.

I told you, NO FROTTAGE

They call it pollution. We call it life.

Shouldn't this debate be handled in a different forum, such as that of
a Monster Truck Rally?

For $760, Madonna would have to blow me and two other mammals of my choice

That needs not so much a shower as professional pressure washing if
not minor sandblasting and reversed electrophosophoresis.

I need a new RPG, and it must not involve stupid hairdos.

Whoever decided that a tragic, touching supernatural romance would be best accompanied by funky 70s synthesisers (I don't think they're fitting enough to even be classed as 80s) should be forced to eat their own afro.

Oh fuck, not another new phylum!

I bet they have something like a Cauchy distribution.  Really fat tails,
no mean, wallow forever in irrelevance.  Fun.

it costs a lot of money to shine a turd.

It will still be radioactive, but it will be radiating the love of Jesus

It gives me hope that there's less of a chance of vegans taking over
in the future and forcing me to open an underground "beefeasy" so I can
continue to get my burger on.

I was also assigned to help artificially impregnant chickens, but the
morning crew made the day's quota, and I missed out.

I really like caramel, but if I had to bathe in fucking caramel and eat it
for every meal and fucking wear caramel for clothes, and then go to a
building made out of caramel and work with sentient hunks of caramel I may
find my taste for caramel diminished.

I'm sorry, I don't have the free cycles to listen to you whine.

My e-willy is shrunken.

Now if you want to look for a penis-extending device, you need look
no further than an SUV.

I am not your prom date

There's probably some legal "must work for midgets" clause.

WON'T somebody THINK of the PONIES? 

Sadly, no pony.

psychooooooooooooooooo

does he LEARN VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS, LAUGH, and LOVE?

we are CIVILIZED, our orgies are SCHEDULED

Could you type louder?  I can't hear over this racket.

"Have you got an ore? I'll trade you a wheat and a sorrow for it."

And a nut-guard.  Definitely a nut-guard

Like you'd turn down a chance to rate Kate Beckinsale's perfect
parabolic bottom.

What is the ideal male butt anyways?

I'm so pumped I could play a trumpet with my cock!

Vermicelli ... peanut butter ... who could ask for anything more?

my mind is numbed by horse fellatio & girl scout cookies
 

I just finished my macaroons, if you know what I mean

Do you like the erectile tissue you have now?

INCREASE YOUR KOALA'S PERFORMANCE BY 50%

I don't want to be doing *anything* "missionary-style" that involves furries.

I SHAVE MYSELF

Also, I'd prefer to be on our mechanical overlords' good side when the
robocaust hits 

We're bringing the risks of online banking to projectile weaponry.

Quick, corner the market on butt plugs

Incidentally, you left your corker in my office.

Wait a minute, you're having some sort of private argument involving 
materialism and I WASN'T INVITED?

If ya don't like cake, ya eat pie. HUMBLE PIE.

Look, this is not some ultra-complicated thing.  We're talking about 
pig shit in kansas.

Whatever.  I should be boiled in my own dung in any case

We hope you'll bend over for us again soon.

that pain can't possibly have any name

What what?  This is the HAPPY me, you pigfucker

I refuse to feel your pain

I'd gladly blow this proust fellow if this what is undoubtedly going
to turn out to be a literature wankfest continues.

When we said we were trying to set the human spirit free, we intended
to soar aloft with it after its release, not stand on the ground
watching it vanish like a mylar Valentine's balloon, the limp string
in one hand and the scissors of our own obtuse cleverness in the
other.

I don't appreciate your thinly-veiled ponysex.

This was the one-line description of a dream I had last night. It was
odd.

It's that cocktease time of year at Berkeley.

Well, they didn't want to arrest just ANY naked guy.

Yes, but given the number of people who clearly have their heads up
their asses, you'd think I'd have learned something about fixing that
problem.

KOOK: Content analysis details:   (5.7 hits, 5 required)
KOOK: Hit! (0.6 points)  Posted on Geocities
KOOK: Hit! (0.6 points)  Scholarly work ending with copyright
KOOK: Hit! (2.5 points)  Cites usenet as "publishing"
KOOK: Hit! (2.0 points)  Lists >= 3 high school awards on curriculum vitae

Sitting in your office in the dark.  Sharpening the knife.  Naked.

in some box I have a Green Panthers booklet on how to harden and booby-trap
your compound against the Man.  you can borrow it if you like.

THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON WITH A TRIPLE-WORD SCORE 

Additionaly, multiple duck remains were found on the runway
following the mishap.

It takes more than 1700 years to elevate "woman, with goat" to
"erotica"

Did somebody say "orgasm"?

Oh crap.  I just remembered I'm human.

Whatever.  I should be boiled in my own dung in any case

Only in the same way that, in theory, dog poop's creamy consistency
should make it more edible

JESUS Christ, I'm pleading for my life, and you're discussing the
inconsistency of lunch meat condiments.

My violin is not sufficiently tiny to truly express my sympathy

Gosh.  I'll have to resort to normal human kindness.

fortunately, my errant son, Xcode is as quick to forgive as it is to compile.

Messiah Stout.  The beer you've been waiting for.

I guess I'll keep it in mind just in case at some point I want something
that vaguely rhymes with "masturbate"

Damn! People with hard-to-rhyme names really shouldn't blow the
President.

I think we found your problem.

Why don't you try wearing some pants?

I KNOW THE COLOUR OF HER PANTIES

see, if you say stupid things in the right tone of voice, they become
postmodern.

The hiiiills are alive with the sound of BUDDABUDDABUDDABUUDDA

if this is the future, i want a refund.

We need more penguin movies!

If Vin Diesel can wear a kilt and not feel any less of a man, that is good
enough for me.

Don't look up anybody's skirt.  EVER.  This is very important.

Why not, you sex-slave to the Randroids?

well, I'm in a mall with Bukkake Master

Oh, look, another little piece of me just died

you are soiling my youth 

Why must everything I touch turn foul?

The negativity of the polarity of the gravitivity means that the
blogosphere is.. is..  dude, I am SO FUCKING HIGH right now.

Therefore, by transitivity, we see that forewarned is half an octopus,
Q.E.D.

I was abused by my father.  Please have unprotected sex with me, give
me herpes, and steal from my purse on the way out.

Breach of social contract, ten yard penalty, no first kiss.

masturbate -> break up with girlfriend -> go on eating binge
                     ^   |
                     |   |
                     |   V
                      cry

If this is the future, kill me now

You are both on infinite crack

                      Manual Work Feeding
                       ^                 \
                      /                   v
   Thigh Meat Stripping/Ejection    Automatic Slitting
                     ^                     \
                    /                       v
        Thighbone Sinew Cutting          Automatic Cutting
                     ^                     /
                      \                   v
        Shinbone Sinew Cutting   Drumstick Meat Stripping
                        ^               /
                         \-Positioning<-

The clown in suspenders and a tiny black top hat spends most of
the sequence at the head end of the blond while the rainbow-wigged clown in
the Mickey Mouse gloves alternates back and forth between smudging his
greasepaint on her crotch and molesting her with a rubber chicken.

I don't know about you, but I'd rather not see Janet Reno having sex.

I was never really into the whole "Run around the woods for
a few days, not showering, and demanding to be called Starsong
Elftouch as I throw beanbags at people and pretend they're magical
spells" scene.

And also, I don't usually jump from my chronic neurosis to my chronic
pathological obsession in successive zephyrs either, but I had a few beers
trying to get to sleep tonight and, well, this is how my mind works.

I can't read Japanese, and I think I'm feeding my dogs poison.

You're fucked.

Mmmmm, zombie potluck

i'll hold the knife, you move the eyes up and down

I think if nasal sex works for you, you have problems.

Breathe, baby.  I'm just being recreationally difficult.

In other news, I am weeping quietly to myself

But no more snivelling.

I have to contend that, whilst on the face of it, he is arguably  
right, the emotional thrust of that (to me) very hard driven fugue   
with its fearsomely hard-won conclusion is such that any possible
perceived dilution of variety in textural or thematic terms at any
point within its progress is more than countered by its sheer all-
pervasive inexorability and the architectonic prepossessions which
not only secure its foundation but propel it forward at all times.

But to steal a divine state fish is another matter altogether.

someone get that man a cold drink and a tall woman

Mass quantities of meat and sangria are soothing.

Yup.  My Magic 8 ball is showing lots of brimstone.

you are still obligated to tell me who i ended up having sex with.

"In a past life, I was Sailor Moon" is not something you want to hear
from a 300lb balding 40-year-old man

it seems to be schoolgirl season

all it takes for me to work up a lust is three slices of bacon and a
ping pong paddle

Ok, I'm not sure what you would use them for, never done so myself,
ahem, but if you wanted some paddles for something other than rowing,
please, for god's sake, make sure they are made from sustainably
harvested timber.

Alternatively, think of it as pure crap.

Yes, but I can then quietly hate you for years. It all evens out.

in other news, i hate everyone

you don't deserve even a small bit of my extensive pool of elitist scorn.

There's "uncool", and then there's "sucking the cock of The Man"

Show the cleavage, say the line.

Wow.  It's been a whole 8 days since I've had boobs.

It didn't seem like a bad idea at the time.

this sort of thing never involves attractive people

What part of pet rock dont you understand?

Basically, your best bet as an expecting mother is to crawl up your own
mother's womb. Apply recursively until you get to Eve.

I'm probably a bit more openminded about these things, since I do have a
placenta in my freezer.

Now I can go get my vibrator or my chocolate cookies or whatever.

Mmmmmm.  Porn brownie

I don't have time to read your little-people chirpings.

rape, murder, people speaking french.  It couldn't get any worse.

Posses whatever drag you want tenspot.

I feel I am being dragged into a painful nation/state/language discussion.

HE ARE RISEN

Memorable but incoherent.

When I was in Iceland I was very tempted to call every Bjork and ask
"Are you _the_ Bjork?"

I think in the spirit of scientific investigation it's your duty to
move to Iceland and test this hypothesis.

Final Rating: 1/5. The power of Christ compels you. The power of
Christ compels you.

screw that, i'm in thesis mode.

It'll either be one islamic superstate or a nice patch of glass

I murder innocent children.  But I'm accepting patches.

I dissected some cats in highschool, but I couldn't see much detail as my only
tool was a hammer, and they squirmed a lot

2 words: Grappling hooks

Also, having a bottle labelled "Dildo Grade Silicone" is kinda cool

I am happy but nervous about your vastly superior power.

gets excited, activates dissection algorithm, disassembles self

i'm picturing a very special edition of martha stewart living

INCREASE YOUR KOALA'S PERFORMANCE BY 50%

none of my sex toys say "boil to clean" and several say "do not
immerse in water", so there.

Years from now, you will either be fabulously wealthy, or flat-foreheaded from
all the self-slapping 

Then in dream I remember, 'I am monk.'

After a few days of coaching, Carlos took pride in lifting the seat before
urinating.

I can't believe I actually interviewed with the group
responsible for this atrocity.

here in paradise, we've gouged our eyes out long ago

Yes. In exchange, perhaps, for a direct neural connection that provides
unending pleasure

This is an attempt at conveying a look of defiance and anti-establishment
bravado, when in reality he just looks like a dick.

(At some point I'll probably rearrange the page for
the purposes of actually conveying information rather than just 
being a smart-ass.)

Baby, you carpet bomb my heart!

I call dibs on being against the wall.

if by human you mean "warm", "spontaneous", "tenderhearted", or "made
out of meat"

You have made an overgeneralization.  And, all overgeneralizations are
wrong.

wife schmife.  hot chicks.

I think we need the whole cow.

hmmm, xbox or collect gay porn...

There are approximately 8,347 scenarios involving these circumstances
which would be happy, joyous, wonderful situations, rife with
opportunity and good will for all concerned.  This situation is not in
that set.

I'M HAVING DAUGHTERS. PASS ME THE SHOTGUN.

Just stick a bent wire hanger in there and get on with your life.

Until then, I suppose I'll have to settle for being mocked early and often.

SPHINCTER INTEGRITY: COMPROMISED?

insåån klöwn-pøssi

Don't make me come over there!

Well, you can either pay taxes or have sex with Paris Hilton

I don't want to impose my simplistic homonormative logical framework
on you, but is there something you wanted to tell me?

oh please, not more butt research

My willy would shrivel two inches at the prospect of something so
unmanly

octopus.  BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP
octopus.  BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP
octopus.  BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP

What, no slurp?

I'll take that as a "FUCK YEAH!"

Apply derision quotes everywhere.

But until then, we're free to make fun of you?

I respected him for his insanity.

I get an IM yesterday afternoon from engineer A, let's call him
shithead.

the centipedes have started coding in tcl?

You two are the only ones I don't hate.

you don't deserve even a small bit of my extensive pool of elitist scorn.

Drink My Juice! It's Technically Fruit

Let me know when the gurgling starts

let me know when my humiliation can start.

Oh, sorry.  By "humiliation," I meant "love and respect."

First I will gut you and fill your belly with thousands upon thousands
of glistening eggs

That still leaves 64M years before the cockroach people.

SLURP, you fool, SLURP

if i were you, i'd graduate first.

Needles, wives, toothbrushes, and now computers.

We call it "bug convergence."

Another reason not to get passing-out drunk.  "Ooh...drinks are on Mr. 
Floppy-Arms tonight"

When he woke that morning he asked himself, "Should I shave or get out
there and expose lax ethics?"  The man has his priorities straight.

um, are you aware that I am something of a fraud?

I remember hearing that as I entered the land of the conscious this
morning.

and now you're bumming quarters in the tenderloin trying to avoid becoming chief
tricks officer for your corner?

Drat.  The manufactured memories provided to me by my alien supervisors
to ease me into your human society appear to be spotty at best

I should hope not. The place should be overrun by locusts and a river
turned to blood.

sort of a combo platter of your daily bread and leading us into
temptation, eh?

if this is the future, i feel queasy

Exit at your own risk.

Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you
say it's time for our viewers to crack open each other's heads and
feast on the goo inside?

Hey, back off, biology boy.

let's just say, "once bitt^H^H^H^Hsavaged by a rabid pack of dogs, twice shy."

oh look a puddle of bits underneath the cabinet

Look, how hard is it for you to play a clueless male?

Umm, all I can remember were her breasts. 

Look, I just want to sell the after death rights to some portion of my
body so that I can buy an ipod, OK?

Me, I'm bored, and I've got these evil hand issues.

We apology for any incontinence.

a simple and logical three-step exercise in the process of elimination.

It's good to know that my two remaining brain cells are almost functioning

So, not only do they cost a lot, they
don't work.  And when you send them back to get fixed, they send you
other random fruits and vegetables in return.

He looks *French*.  And then there is the *flip-flopping*.  And stuff.

Anyone who disagrees is a FUCKING COCKMONGER and I'll kick his ass.

grandma trumps science

It's the weekend and I want Reese Witherspoon's hair to go away RIGHT NOW

Sorry, I was away, setting up a Dutch auction for my penis.

Friends help friends.  Real friends help friends auction off the bodies
on ebay.

You can mentally travel the whole world without actually leaving your bedroom.
Or, like rock bands and Americans, you can actually travel the whole world
without mentally leaving your bedroom.

I'm trying to exhibit the careful modesty of a recovering smart-aleck.

For 10 seconds we see some of the most fucked up and disturbing imagery
that can be crammed into 240 frames of film.

I know what a Philly cheese steak is like, and I know what Minnesotans do to
 food; a Minnesotan cheese steak would have to be an abomination, something
 like "Christian Rock" or a "Hipublican", a nightmarish chimera that would
 look like the freak result of a transporter accident; it would be an
 inside-out horror with all the parts scrambled that would lie there
 squirming and mewling in agony until the security team put it out of its
 misery with phaser blasts.

You're gonna spend some extra time in purgatory, dude.

I assume you don't mean "gay leather bar" here.

Brilliant idea. I'll get around to that just as soon as I finish 
cramming these Saltines up my nose.

RESULT: YOUR CODE IS 98% MORALLY DISORDERED

Well certainly there's better ways to learn about the birds and the
bees than watching mommy stuff a 12" dildo up her ass

She's my parrot, and she committed a crime, and it was a crime against
God, and it took place at an English private school!

It probably has to do with hyperviolent tentacle face-rape or a
immortal goddess who is living on earth as a teenage boy. Or both.

I understand the bending over now

well sure. and not knifing yourself every day is nicer than NOT
knifing yourself every day, but that doesn't make it nice.

It puts a nice and easy face on the same old unspeakable horror.

they'll look at every line in isolation, sixteen times, and say
"well, they're all right.  perhaps I should kill myself."

Or you could test in isolation until the sun burns out.

I heard his realdoll left him.

That's an empirical fact.  If it were not true, I would not then be
100% correct, and this would be some sort of baitfest on my part.

Don't delete this email!  I know this sounds crazy, but
I AM FROM YOUR FUTURE.  The robots have taken over, and the only
way to defeat them is to buy this product which will
e n l a r g e your p3n1s!

embrace the darkness. it's the only way.

oh wait i'm insane

This is prima facie evidence that you have become paranoid, and want
locking up under one of the mental health acts.

I have liquor and know where the local elementary schools are

There is nothing for them here but toiletries and death.

the enemy of my enemy is still pretty fucking annoying

the friend of your friend is your enemy.

So, I guess what I want to say is, pay no attention to this man; to the
best of my knowledge he is talking out of his ass.

I'm much less weird than all of *you*.

Live and learn, as they say -- another day, another glimpse into the
void that is human existence.

I smell the presence of Satan.

The embarrassed silence that invariably follows rejection doesn't last long.

don't fuck with me today.

Pizza is the food of the old times. 

Choose leaner viands, ye whose jovial make
Too fast the gummy nutrient imbibes.

I'll just put it in the rocket I'm already launching to carry my
thesis into the center of the sun

On my mark, turn your keys to launch.

Maybe you were thinking "this squid is bouncy more than that one is"?

Considerable suspense can be built up as one approaches the elastic limit.

On his left sat Cerberus, the watchdog of Hades and noted designer of
the pineapple.

I'm sorry, I'm imagining the pineapple, and it's just NOT going to work

However, I hate you anyways.

you don't deserve even a small bit of my extensive pool of elitist scorn.

there's a tg on good friday?
on the other hand, i guess beer isn't meat

You have 0 soul bucks remaining.

it's compulsive. I can see the dopamine squirting every time another
acronym comes up

unfortunately, under the ADA it's illegal to fire someone for being a
manic-depressive compulsive masturbator.

RUB HARDER, BEAVIS.

Great, it turned entire sections purple.

Also, now that we've invented the U, can we use it, thanks?

evil would never concoct something as vapid as that. say what you will
about evil, at least it has sharp edges.

why would you want to learn the language of a country that thought it a good idea to colonize greenland?

This opportunity for mobility is commonly called the American Dream.

I'd be waaay more entertained if they had a urinal shaped
like a shooting gallery with duckies and spinning dealies
and other stuff to make peeing fun again.

YOU WILL NEED: Safety scissors, scotch tape, popsicle stick, computer

I won't go into details, because I know you're eager to get to the bit
about the orgasms.

Exposure to Italian spoken slowly by beautiful girls does work
wonders.

I detest taking even small risks unless we feel that we are being
adequately compensated for doing so. About as far as we will go down that
path is to occasionally eat cottage cheese a day after the expiration date
on the carton.

I hate. It's simpler.

I've learn to respond "fuck you" without even looking up

If you guys have to resort to "common wisdom" to counter me, you might as
well just lobotomize yourself right now.

I'll just walk into Steve's office, pull down my pants, and urinate on his
desk. What could he say to that? It's guaranteed to work.

Are you sure the average reader is ready for the fast paced and 
sensual life of a computer science grad student?

And then the keeper gave them an egg and they successfully incubated and
raised it (although presumably it was then GAY GAY GAY).

That was the End of the World News.

So, this is widely believed to be bad, but why is that so?

it's pretty cool and widely used by a deeply committed, if somewhat
disturbed community

if I think about Nixon sex I'm going to have to scrub my brain

Most people think I need intervention, actually.

We shouldn't hold people accountable for advocating things.

Refute *this*, big boy

I would be oozing mint juleps out of my ass by now.

Except these peppermint livesaver candies on my nipples are startin'
to burn like the dickens.

I hope the neighbors don't mistake my soulful Pixies covers for
somebody being hacked to death

it won't work, but at least you'll be one level deeper in hell

kerberos--

Well, duh, you've forgotten the -WORK_CORRECTLY_PLEASE switch.

On the other hand, I just said something cynical, mean and wrong. What have
aliens done with me?

provided there's enough booze and whores, I can handle it

I'm an Atheist, but I still brush.

And I have been brushing my teeth with hair gel for a week.

oh god.  I have a child.  I can't have just read this.

Fear not!  You're not alone!  We're worse, and we want to help.

The secret to Catholic girls is to threaten to spill your seed on the
ground if they don't sleep with you.

That's the pain talking.

It's robots all the way down

I love the smell of dilithium in the morning.

All I have is a lot of hatred welling inside of me.

My friends have taken to calling me "Bitch of Untrammeled Malevolence."

These are not rough estimates. These are scientific facts based on the
research done by captive supergeniuses working in controlled
conditions with test mice and test mice dressed like tiny wizards.

that butt is a technological marvel

We who are about to be bitter salute you

We, who are about to salute you, die.

Conservatives love semen.

This strange byproduct of your depraved capitalist society interests me

at least I can take comfort in being smarter than you

That is a large component of my pain, yes

Meet Tom, his five wives, and his thirty children.

Multiple wives.  Opera singing.  Lots of candles.  Opera singing.  Insanity.

is your asshole refereed?

On the street, we judge people by their clothes.  In the bath, everyone 
is equal.

i don't understand why you don't understand why i would say something
like this

This has nothing to do with facts. I'm just tossing it in
anyway.  

I think "really" but might mean ""really"" or even """really""" or
perhaps "oh no please kill me"

in fact, the SWAT team has already been dispatched.  please stay where
you are.

Dude!  She wants you.  I can tell.

Can you say 'franking privileges' ? 

Oh please. My butt has a PhD

I believe you misspelled "delusional and schizophrenic".
Hope this helps.

OK, suppose you have impaled your head on a drill and survived. What's your
next move?

Like you, I would assume that putting a wet snake inside and closing
the hole is not going to do the job.

i seem to be covered in mysterious grime

The "FRESH DONUTS" sign is a neon beacon of hope in my late-night
drunken wanderings 

Yeah, but it makes me feel dirty

Gender is hard and shopping's always a solution.

there are many souls that must be cleaved from their earthly containers

Toaster ovens!  Do you hear me?  I'm going to take your
innards and use them as TOASTER OVEN CONTROLLERS unless you start
working right this instant.

Don't suspect your neighbors. Report them.

It still feels good when the system turns a bunch of fuckers into
fuckees

Much of the day's news is dominated by pricks.

Because life sucks.
Fuck you.
You're too late.

Hitler?  I don't see it.

Wow, you can send email to their dictator

Should you happen to be a 14-year-old boy or her 47-year-old ex-husband,
you'll love it.

which is silly, given that there clearly exist people who value their
Magic: the Gathering skills more than sex.

We can mock ANYTHING

I'm probably only claiming this to piss you off.

It's never too late to have a disturbing childhood

It starts with a 2x4 and a chainsaw.

You have fucked with the wrong bovine, my friend

Bovine digestion does not generally involve nuclear reactions.

Aside from that, it sells cocoa, welcomes a few Portuguese tourists, and
makes a bit from international telephone sex lines.

I'm glad I've furnished the crumb of amusement needed to keep him from
committing suicide this afternoon.

I never quite feel as romantic as when, bathed in moonlight, outdoors, next to
a pond,  I bumfuck persons of any sex.

You should realize that marriage is about as useful as swimming in
a tub of cream pudding.

who knows what might happen.  a rain of frogs. 
communism running rampant.  dogs and cats fucking in the streets. 

Dammit. My quest for spiritual truth is RUINED

Americans are those gross people who go to shopping malls and watch television.

they are a bunch of drooling, subliterate morons who couldn't find
their own asses with both hands, a guide dog, a GPS receiver, and
ponce de fucking leon

Do I sense a little hostility here?

anybody can be loved, but it takes someone special to inspire a true,
lasting animosity.

Nowhere in the disseration or the thesis oral does the word
"asstastic" appear

This is where I would search for the URL that talks about how its
a mitzvah to sleep and cohabitate with your spouse in the Sukkah,
but I have an Emmy award to announce

You are not being discriminated against; you are being hashed into the
bucket containing nascar fans.

Yeah, I'm a big fan of moments of terror.

I'm fine with miscegenation, as long as it occurs in controlled
conditions, such as a hostess bar

Now that outmoded sexist paradigms of female subjugation and
powerlessness have been subverted in the traditionally male-dominated
arena of boxing, you can see some major titty-bouncing.

I can't tell whether it'll be fun or whether it'll completely suck.

I still have yet to be convinced that this particular programming
practice isn't in the same general class of activities as, say, eating
cake with a fork you've stuck up your nose.

HEWWO?  DO WOO WUV ME?  PWEASE WUV ME 

ThotCrime!  Woo!

Well, I wrote a little song about this called "Women are Special (They
will not stop until we are dead)"

Jot that sequence down.  the prime numbers are probably talking to you.

Like processes, we have parents but not mothers

it's not a good day for my child to do this to me.

all morning it was  yogurt  yogurt

Any culinary endeavor in the shape of your head is a
worthwhile culinary endeavor.

we try to avoid terminal embarassment or actual criminal charges

sprite is the worst offender in that category

 s/you/j00/gi; s/\bth/d/g; s/ck\b/x0r/g; s/cking\b/x0ring/g;
 s/cked\b/x0red/g; s/cker/x0r/g; s/fu/f00/g; s/word/werd/g; s/oo/ew/g;
 y/uae i YAE In Oo/v43 1 Y43 1n 00/; s/c001/k3w1/ig; s/741k/t0k/g;
 s/00/o0/g; s/0rk/r0k/g; s/jo0/j00/gi; y/a-z/A-Z/;

typical Microsoft statement

I'm sorry, I didn't think I was going to talk about "man on dog" with a
United States senator, it's sort of freaking me out.

While taking a nice hot bath, drinking a fine wine, about an hour after
smoking a really fat joint.

Just in case you're wondering: for the record, I have never humped a hairbrush

Let us peel back the foreskin of assumption and apply the stiff wire
brush of reality.

They'll be coming to my house on some future New Years Eve and taking
my 90 cats away.

How silly.  Friday evenings should be devoted to sexual activity.

Well, surely you realize that in the george-o-verse jews control
everything.   Newspapers, governments, women, deer, mexicans, the
slurpee machine. EVERYTHING

great. i can feel the love as they
tell me to bend over.

I guess the downside is that now I have Thundercats slash fiction in my head.

I take it your silence means you do not want any more gay nazi smurf
slash

If you really want to ride on a thirty-year old airplane that badly,
why don't you buy yourself a ticket on Air Peru.

If you liked that rollercoaster, I got a ride at home that will really make you
scream. 

Inside every single guy is a potential non-single guy with lower standards.

We're all girls for the purposes of that phrase.

digital ink is a euphemism for ejaculating in a scanner and then scanning it

Analog wins. Digital loses. We all eat potatoes.

Try it with -O1 and -O2. Then, if you have a window facing Hammerschalg,
leave your office.

Love means never having to say "I'm sorry I'm bleeding profusely"

I HAVE THE FIRST PAMPERS DOLLAR

This is too useless even for mathematicians.

NO MAN-JUICE SHAKES

Junk food is considered part of the vegetable food group, because it
comes from a plant.
 
A big chemical plant.  In New Jersey.

Long story short, I thought the toothpaste was "Tom's of Maine" but it
was "Tom of Finland."

Doctors say I can go cold-turkey now or require electroshock
therapy later.

my implant gives me a little burst of endorphins when you say that

Just repeat to yourself: "Bluescreen technology keeps improving."

Drinks and zoo tickets are on me tonight!

Also, I realised that my morning cappuccinos are basically potions of speed

After almost three years of watching people sitting around on a beach
trying to cook rice, that sounds pretty intriguing.

After the Revolution, your tea will not get stewed either, comrade.

As a matter of fact I swallowed one of these about two hours ago, and the
explanation is that it is in fact my hand.

To which my advisor's impassioned response was, of course,
"What...the...FUCK?"  He takes his swimming pretty seriously.

I call Hitler.

We need a more lasting form of negative feedback than just paper rejections.

You should start it so I can mock it, use it, and have my self worth lowered by it.

Joseph's hard lower bound is Catherine Zeta-Jones

[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Hold me, I'm scared

Bzzzzt!  Wrong!

tofu makes me fart like a.. big.. uh.. farting thing

He is clearly mature and considered in his onions.

With a degree, or in a blaze of gunfire. I don't really care.

I am altering your thesis topic.  Pray I do not alter it any further.

For a start, there was that enigmatic, slightly insane grin, which
disturbed more than it revealed.

Being neurotic is so fulfilling.

I lack the shibboleths. Yet I persevere. Bite me.

These three roads lead to Hard Copy, Court TV, and Dateline, respectively.

he's drunk on something he can't pronounce

C'mon pal, lechery and hootch are the cornerstones of society and
culture.

I probably don't need all the variables in /var, either

Remember, your program will compile much much faster if you
take some, but not all, of the vowels out of your variable names.

Well, to be fair, the rational thing to do when you meet her at the 7-11
and see that she's 12 would be to NOT FUCK HER NOW!

If I don't become a badass, I'm well en route to become the nice
spinster auntie that bakes nice desserts

can we just condense this discussion into

denial
reality
DENIAL
REALITY
pathetic self-serving argument
clarity

I hear interpretive dance is popular at category-theory conferences.

We must maximize production of the American way of life.

White people suck. They're ugly and their food is boring.

OH GOD PLEASE ERASE THIS FROM MY HEAD

they could send Jeff Bezos over with a sponge and some Palmolive

This excessive concern with little weasels is a deranged sickness with
you.

Then I'll pass them through the paper shredder, one by one.

First, I'd need to care.

I can solve my personal problems on my own just fine, thank you.  the
only issue at hand is figuring out how to get my hands to fit around
your neck.

a real woman is a computable function that takes an epsilon and returns an
epsilon-approximation

We emphasize that these tantalizing expressions are *approximations*.

I sense a heteronormative assumption

leaving out the matter of gender so as to satisfy all parties

we're like superman, if superman bombed people.

17 Kills                         +170
2 wounded                         +10
8 missing presumed shot           +40?
2 hostages                        -10
Killed by cops/Maybe suicide       +0?
Required 200 police to corner him +10
Bought his own coffin              +5
17/25 = 68% kill ratio            +10
List of victims                   +10
weapon choice - hand grenade       +5

TOTAL                            250 points 

return ({goto L; 0;}) && ({L: 5;});

panic("I'd like a stack trace now");

the banana slug's feelers were jiggling quite
disturbingly 

Anything that killed that many French people can't be all bad.

What if he's got a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's
heads and stuff?

Think of it as a misery-loves-company extravaganza.

yeah, but throwing spears from the top of the tower isn't going to be
good for your bodycount

If you're laughing in a high-pitched, sanity-eroding kind of way, that is.

The geologist and the crook also find the time to fight over the rancher's
daughter, while the moll fumes.

There is a tragedy coming.  I can feel it in my bones.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A HERETIC! BURN! BURN! BURN!

Ooops, sorry, I have to go take my medication now.

vegan cheese is not a suppository

they never told us it was a biohazard when we bought it

whatever. off i go to finish up my lasagne.

You can never have too many sheep and extreme sports.

anyone who finds this erotic, stay the *hell* away from me.

Ok.  I'm sorry.  Can we please get past the "tomault is an ignorant
freak" beating?

On zephyr, no one can hear you cry.

Oh please. "Lethal", maybe. But "unexpected"?

And frankly, I like the fact that most of my idiocies are non-fatal.

Well, by this stage, you're probably bouncing up and down in your seat
with barely-continent excitement, thinking, "Wow, am I really going to
learn to write like Stephen Donaldson?"

I love people like this, 'cause I don't have to give them _any_ sympathy at all.

Graph theory and combinatorics bring out the worst in people.

17 Kills                         +170
2 wounded                         +10
8 missing presumed shot           +40?
2 hostages                        -10
Killed by cops/Maybe suicide       +0?
Required 200 police to corner him +10
Bought his own coffin              +5
17/25 = 68% kill ratio            +10
List of victims                   +10
weapon choice - hand grenade       +5

TOTAL                            250 points 

Your search - "inducing lactation in males" - did not match any documents. 

"impressed" is a pretty charitable way of putting it.

a riddle, wrapped in an engima, wrapped in a POUND OF BACON

a MYSTERY wrapped up in a RIDDLE wrapped up in a HAM SANDWICH.

I see a new circle of hell being created right now

You pick one moronic devil or another. Either way, prepare for pain.

Is the defense going to involve launching cabbages at people?

I've known a few posters who didn't need that service.

Invite girls. Apparently they have a civilizing effect.

you must feeel the pigfucker flow through you

Caesar. his name was Caesar. he ironed money

through the magic of inkjet iron-on T-shirt transfers, many things are
possible.

 Now we will argue, of course, about what is "my butt"

The correspondent spared us some of the details.
We will spare you all of them.

 I was letting my imagination take care of the rejection for me

It's something like a german Fachschule, but not really.

Immaculate conception, long labour, big-boned messiah

Do not use "Magic Eight Ball" as a home pregnancy test.

We're expecting to feel the grip on our testicles any day soon.

And in the resulting market panic, there will be some great deals.

oh dear, she is the web mouthpiece of God!

Ok, *now* I'm scared.

Dear Spammers:

I don't want to increase my penis size.
I won't make any money from home.
I'm happy with my present insurance.
I don't think an urgent response is really needed.
I'm not in need of looking and feeling twenty years younger.
I don't care about a small investment that will make me money.
I'm already listed in all the search engines I can stand.
I don't need an X-Rated membership for life.
I'm not interested in meeting someone.
I have no desire to make love until I drop.
My prescription is already filled.
You didn't promise me any links.
The government won't pay me 15%-300%.
I have plenty of toner and inkjet cartidges.
I don't care how hot, sweet and young you are.
I don't think that sticker will boost my phone.
I'll pass on my free Internet income.

And, as the other guy mentioned, you're not my friend.

It was always clear to me that you are a dangerously intelligent person.

are there any parts that aren't insulting?  'cause i'd kinda like
to fill in the gaps.

what I mean is, we have "offensive" well-covered already.

It seems a little unfair to penalize outsized Teutonic mammaries just
to gratify your desire to see mangled pro-lifers.

Roll the R, add the germanic j at the end, put the stress on E,
then shake it all about

DON'T MENTION THE BABY

I figure if I ever want to simulate raising children I'll just bring
two dogs and two cats into the house, let a couple hundred leeches
attach themselves to my body, turn the stereo on full-volume, and burn
$50 bills as quickly as I can.

Does the way he says that make you nervous, too?

he's foreign.... and therefore.... excitable

To be a terrorist you also have to, you know, instill terror.  

you have been deemed a threat to homeland security.

GOD DAMMIT YOU GOT BOTH A CHECK *AND* A PAMPERS COUPON

... described in company publicity as "seriously cool."

It plays like an extended, and heavily camped-up episode of "Twilight
Zone," as drawn by Mad magazine. 

The fact that the sex scenes weren't even any fun just put the grey
icing on the cake.

If you want to kill yourself, don't fuck around with it, go on and do it
expeditiously!

Do I really have to execute a 600 mile bitch slap?

What is that?  A code word for HOMO?

Science fiction is a part of the Communist plan to dominate Western
culture. Queen Elizabeth herself has been known to pen "sci-fi" under
a pseudonym.

Beneath the bombast is an emotional cripple with the moral development of a
toddler.

I see him as a bizarre sort of principled right-wing
libertarian/anarchist.

The ultimate distraction is a pack of scantily clad teenage girls with
stun grenades, tasers and rollerskates.

The most elaborate example even includes role-playing bimbos.

Look, go read Hegel and do some extrapolation

I misinterpreted 'nut free zones' for a moment.

Wait---he was testing my patriotism last night?  I thought it was my gag reflex.  

My inner Gloria Steinem is shocked beyond belief, as are my inner Kate
Millet and my inner Andrea Dworkin.

We probably have the smartest morons in the world too.

However, it is true that I have no idea what I am talking about.

I HATE the fact that time can arbitrarily pass, and there's nowhere
clean to stop time.

I think I could handle this if it didn't feel so much like a bad Star
Trek episode.

Given the genius/fool ratio for our species, the odds aren't very good.

Woah -- The Kingdom of Heaven meets the Playboy Advisor!

Never Mind World Peace, Visualize Using Your Turn Signal

Feature not implemented.

Well, sure, it's his baby and he can tattoo it any way he wants.

You may also have sex with my dead body if you want.

one!  I have one nose!  [thunder & lightning]

We thought it was thunder, but it was just people unloading beer dowstairs.

excellent.  my jokedar was malfunctioning.

Implant malfunction
IMPLANT MALFUNCTION
UNIT HAS GONE ROGUE

Your search - gerbiling - did not match any documents.

Wear safety goggles.  Use with caution.

I'm just using them as an example.  Lobsters are not the solution.

Go forth and write tail-recursively.

Nostrils are more flexible than you might think

Mine feel like nice, pliable leather.

YOU'RE SOAKING IN IT

I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THE SHRINKAGE!

Those Asian hotties were sour anyways

The eye opening delightful morning taste of expired cheese
bits in sour milk.

The pigs have been cleared for takeoff

OK then, topple them slowly

Wow.  It's incredibly upsetting to be picked up by people, choked, and then
dropped down into the abyss.

We found the idea humorous at the time, but we learned from this experience
that some ideas, however empirically funny, are simply not meant to be
implemented.

Four decades of cigarettes, alcohol, energetic fraternising with groupies
and enough drug-taking to fell a whole herd of oxen have passed him by like
a ray of sunshine.

Those of us who knew and loved him were just plain *shocked* when the autopsy
showed a complete absence of recreational pharmaceuticals in his system.

Well, if you feel like schlepping down to LA before the week is out, you
might be able to buy some gear, or maybe even sign in for a farewell
spanking.

You're probably in their database as a whiner.  Which is
unsurprising.  You're in my database as a whiner.

well, and everyone and a while you get to chant "harder. HARDER!"

OK, I admit it.  I had a wet dream last night where AFS played a crucial 
role.  Before I knew it, I was forked.

It doesn't matter that I met her when she was the rear end of a
cow. She is the perfect package.

It is a privilege, not a right, for people to think of me as wacko.

My coworkers are just as smart and obnoxious as I am. They terrify me, even.

what I mean is, we have "offensive" well-covered already.

what's wrong with macrodildonics?

Unfortunately it also tends to fall off and crash to the floor at
inopportune times.

I love you and I want your children. (Admittedly, only to get the best
price I can for them, since I'm a bit short on cash at the moment.)

What, you're not budding yet?

He doesn't mind doing this as long as you give him beer.

Guinness would be for severe blood loss. Mild injuries would call for
maybe a nice lager or pale ale.

getting head from several girls doesn't mean anything unless they were
all top notch fluffers on the US olympic cocksucking team.

I have no bitterness. I am the anti-bitter.

I need a chick with a higher polygon count.

some sort of love triangle or more complex polygon

Let's be honest -- when was the last time a carrot ejaculated on you
at the salad bar? 

Oh please. I've seen PUMPKIN SEX.

only this time, Boris and Natasha are on our side!

The dark side, she is seductive, da?

sometimes the Goddess Energies like to Manifest themselves by Pounding On
The Shift key.

I could pretend to be shocked and dismayed by this, but I haven't got
the energy.

When I claimed a dollar from him, he sent me a $1 Pampers coupon

Ah, now that I realize that you sometimes assign different meanings to
words than those that are generally accepted, your absurd ravings make a lot
more sense.

It unveils unsuspected erotic potential in every seemingly neutral legume.

We want continuous flatulence.

Gay sexuality?  I thought they were talking about a new fountain drink
dispenser.

kill them now

My children shall be named "Kirk", "Sheridan", "Ivanova", and "Delenn"

On my planet, in art museums, paintings that would otherwise be titled
"Untitled" are instead titled "Whatever."

Your puny macros sicken me, girly man.

Yes, but you are abnormal.

gimme furni, you get sex

I was briefly tempted by the "East Asian brothel frequent flyer miles"
but pulled it together.

Contrary to what society tells you, you do a lot more than just
deposit the sperm

The last time we tried more active lovemaking, we nearly lost our
security deposit.

I'll empathize with your pain just as soon as I stop laughing

Grad school and America made me the cheerful person I am today.

he got locked in a steel cage with esr and then I stopped paying attention

Kind of hard given that they blew up the sun, right?

Eating a donut is a side-effecting operation

there's nothing like experiencing firsthand the way your lips smack together 
after tasting the sugary goodness.

Ah what the hell. So long as we don't die.

the theory being that you'll probably emit a foot-long
blue flame from the side of your head, which would look pretty fucking cool.

Look, I'll kill you.

not if I get my way and surgically remove the pleasure centers of
your brain

 How am I going to please an infinite god with limited firepower?

cleanliness is next to reggae

I dance upon your socioeconomic status.

Number Eight: You have overestimated your importance in the Universe.

Does sex hurt when it's the first time? How badly does it 
hurt? And on contrast, how good does it feel?

Here, bite this stick while I pour whisky in your vitals.

I now require a catcher's mitt and fiberglass to masturbate myself to
orgasm.

If this isn't a project destined for talent like Brad Pitt, Julia
Roberts, Ricki Lake, Crispin Glover and 40 high-end Silicon Graphics
workstations, we don't know what is.

You can talk about women all you want.  In the meantime, I'm going to
shove my finger up Kosak's ass and milk his prostate.

It won't be really scary until we dress Xavier up in a Barney suit.

I keep my genitals wrapped in tin-foil at all times to block the 
space aliens' sinister mutagenic rays.

No doubt some sinister heterosexual quotas were involved.

stop POKING my CRUST SCABS

Would you like to draw a picture of that?

Goedel implies Akido?

Nonsense.  All this statement implies is that every system contains 
at least twelve hypocrites.

Size may not matter in this case.

Feeling incorrect?

That consideration is obviously not relevant here, where appellants'
conduct was obviously intended as a political, rather than a fashion,
statement.

This relegates to trivia such considerations as social skills,
etiquette, other people's feelings, any exertion outside of your own
narrow focus, and possibly even personal hygiene.

Deny everything; after the ceremony, head for Vegas.

I don't know about you, but I'd rather not see Janet Reno having sex.

Sing, you swine!  You all know the chorus!

I am learning.

Now my hatred is justified

My friends have taken to calling me "Bitch of Untrammeled Malevolence."

mount -t nfs doctor:/home/porn /home/porn

SUCCESS

Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was so big ???

I presume my enjoyment of this track is another indication
that I am gay and just don't know it

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Always ready to stand in as the designated doofus.

Is he the guy that was in the bed when I came to check out the butt washer?

MRA EHT MA I

EKAM I DNUOS EHT SI SIHT DNA 



WOoooooOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOO!
WoOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOooooo!
WoooooOOOOOOOOOOooOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

.yppah em ekam lliw tI
.noitcerid thgir eht ni liame etirw em ekam lliw ti dnA

I cannot discuss my notes if you have a boner.

I think I just got bumped up a notch in that gay<->hetero scale

I used to worry that i'd whip it out in public and people would think
I'm a nerd.  Now I fear that whipping it out will make me seem
conformist. 

There's the engagement party, the wedding, all those people you never
really knew eating YOUR food and drinking YOUR money.

that's a religious issue.  and you are wrong.

When I argue I tend to be explicit about what I think is wrong, and
usually append a "pigfucker" for good measure at the end

Really? I'm writing my first novel in the third-person subjunctive,
with changes in narrative voice expressed by a different angle of the
text upon the page.

You mean these computers can be used for porn *and* work?

Now apply this same theory to drinking.

I just don't care, because I'm on the inside of my face.

orally penetrated by a tentacle
ORALLY PENETRATED BY A TENTACLE

It has some mild profanity, some lecherous ogling and some frightening car
crashes.

Dull, boring roles are assigned to subroutines.

and what if you upload yourself into self-replicating bush robots
which fan out with the intent of meeting for a party on the other side of the
galaxy?  can they all read it?

hm, I bet I could bud if I just tried hard enough

You were feeding it "wrong" problems.  By "wrong" I mean correct ones.

typical Microsoft statement

But can't you "-jesus" ?

But what do I know?  I was taught from the Hebrew

a MYSTERY wrapped up in a RIDDLE wrapped up in a HAM SANDWICH.

goddamn pork fascists won't let me put the lettuce on top of the tomato in
my sandwich.

I can finally afford a crazy stripper wife

"look at me fire my mighty weapon all over this woman.  *grunt*"

I am pro-death: pro-choice, pro-euthanasia & assisted suicide,
pro-gun, pro-death penalty, anti-seatbelt & -helmet law, pro-drug
and prostitution decriminalization.

i have no morals

does anyone have a knack for finding "studs"?

I recommend you wear black leather and develop a fixation on eggplant.

Most of the chicks I see, with their razornails, retracting fangs, and
strychnine-tipped barbed pubic wire, they're just so... independent.

massive monroeville faux-glam big hair FREAKishness
my penis has retracted inside my body cavity

I want to get all functoriffic on my fellow coders' behinds.

sometimes a very light touch seems sufficient.  other times i can just 
bang away and it won't register for 7-8 tries

But of course, pigfucker.

ok you dim little freak... you asked for it.

"look at me fire my mighty weapon all over this woman.  *grunt*"

Don't try this at home, kids. 
Definitely not at home. 
Maybe at that rundown motel just off the highway.

I knew I shouldn't have skipped middle school on 'gay porn theater
fieldtrip day'

Got milt?

Each is wearing a nametag: "Incompetent Henchman #1" and "Incompetent
Henchman #2".

The truly incompetent are blissfully ignorant of their lack of ability.

You're probably in their database as a whiner.  Which is
unsurprising.  You're in my database as a whiner.

Hey, I am having my people be rude to their people.

My brain is faster than google.

C'mon!  I could whistle the page in morse faster than you're fetching it!

I can honestly say that I don't
want to eat monkeys.

Just don't eat the thing, and you'll be fine

I'd be like "hello, there's enough of Jonathan Taylor Thomas for the
both of us"

but, i repeat myself

However, it is true that I have no idea what I am talking about.

MALE REACTION: "Cool!"
FEMALE REACTION: "Why?"

Why isn't there a jerkoff button on my keyboard?

Why beat a dead horse with a hammer when you have a perfectly good
piano?

But a full orchestra in your pants would be better still.

It's Texas Penal Code Section 43.23(f), but it's six dildoes, not three.

I don't think one ever wants to be cited as the definition of "easy".

And I never heard of, or ran into, a problem which could be solved by having
more porn.  But if I do, I'm ready for it.

I'm not asking for advice. I'm wallowing in self-pity.

When a professor insists computer science is X but not Y,
have compassion for his graduate students.

This has made me one sick and confused little puppy.

I've seen people speak with that kind of unrestrained longing before,
but the object of their affection was usually a muddy music festival
where Beck shares a stage with the Beastie Boys, or a short-run New
York play such as The Vagina Monologues.

Think "Walt Disney on LSD."

Distressingly, there is nothing about vampires in the Koran.

i'm ok with revenge.

you just need wheel-scythes and a letter of marque and reprisal.

look, if you haven't got a one-sentence business model, you're already doomed

It's hard to go wrong with back-stabbing, bug-eating, and a haughty naked
gay guy.

I am a friggin' genius. You owe me a beer.

I should just bottle my imagination and sell it.

if you had a gold-plated lighter with a playboy bunny on it, you would
have gotten laid.

Yes, i'm cynical.  Sorry.  It's a way of lIfe.  Really.

I wasn't actually able to read it until I'd run query-replace.

You're not 3L33T.

none of my sex toys say "boil to clean" and several say "do not
immerse in water", so there.

Apparently I'm engulfed in evil.

That's ok, I remembered to take my Prozac today.

Being neurotic is so fulfilling.

We found him over in the Very Important Penis section of Club Elite.

I'm starting to suspect that they are some kind of elite sexual spy force.

Your cock does not qualify as "chinese food".

This doesn't involve the astroglide in Jim's office, does it?

Nowadays you have to boil people before you can sleep with them

well, if you had a choice between quietly boiling and being caught up in a
raging firestorm, boiling might not look so bad.

Let me tell you about multi-valued logics.

you have to be much more virulent than that.

Because I am lame.

Even the Buddha has to draw the line somewhere.

Where do you suppose the saints are? GEagle?

I don't know.  I'm just chomskying.

Mostly I've seen this with 12 year olds at rock concerts.

Actually, I've never seen an engorged faculty penis.

So then none of us are getting my MIT dingdong?

Hard math up my ass.

Cocaine can be manufactured by converting tropinone into
2-carbomethoxytropinone, reducing this to ecgonine, and then converting the
ecgonine to cocaine. This isn't as easy as it sounds.

Perhaps you can initiate a different chemical reaction that will take stink as
input and produce spoon.

Haven't we had this argument before?  And
decided that I am right?

I'll debate it.  What are we talking about?

Please, god, no more dwarf porn

I fear no dwarves who drink Coors.

I don't know the exact details, but ideally it's done unpasteurized,
and some of the flavor comes from insects.

The correspondent spared us some of the details.
We will spare you all of them.

if this is going to turn into some kind of repressed memory pedophilia thing,
I'm tuning out

Will there be beer?

Although I would like a place to dock my drigible.

Exit at your own risk.

I really like covers of Smiths songs way better than actual
Smiths songs.  
What does this say about me? 
What does this say about the smiths?
Can you point me towards any particular good smiths covers?

What?  You didn't have any bipolar bisexual smiths-listening
unrequited crush-object mathematicians at your disposal?

With no evidence, I am going to guess that jch is a Katrine.

Just call me empirical-evidence man.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN, THIS IS THE NAUGHTIES.

brilliant.  what "world" are you in?

I have more yarmulkes than socks!

And as the SCS receptions show, some SCS folks seem to believe that
"semi-formal" means "with socks".

And in a burst of CG particles, he was gone.

Oh great:  Now I'm going to be
consumed in a burst of CG particle-system explosions when Andrew does
The Wrong Thing with his thermostat.

I don't know about you, but I'd rather not see Janet Reno having sex.

It's the Entertainment Trinity.  What's violence without sex and alcohol?

a friend has a nice psycho breakup story complete with stalking,
lipstick threats, INS calls, credit card fraud, auto theft,
potted-plant assassination, hepatitis C, and a large gun-wielding
lesbian (the main character).

It's not just a beer, it's revenge.

lichtenstein's leading export is dental prosthetics

If this all were true, there would be a URL for it.

I'm not sure that I want to pass a Turing test proving that I'm
indistinguishable from Corey.

so buttmonkeys are conformant at this point.

Your neural connection to the zubermind is faulty.
Please shave your head, slather it with contact jelly and place it directly
against your monitor for improved transmission

Another technique is to put your nose on the screen and slowly pull
back.

d00dz!!! U kANN0t n0 ab0ut MeE! i m the l33te$t! i m da MAN 0f ure 
n1GHtm4r3s!! l4y 0FF!, 0r i w1ll 0wnZ u ju$t 4 phun w1th mY l33t VBSkr1pt 
tr0j4n! b0w t0 m3!!!! 

I haven't had my coffee yet, so I don't know if that was sarcasm.

maybe i've seen too many (or too few) nipples, or else not enough
pepperoni, to appreciate this observation.

To me, they're all the same: smell like incense, taste like battery
acid.

I think I've got masturbating furtively down cold. How can I 
apply this energy more effectively?

Would specs for a potato cannon help?

There are many things I don't know how to translate.
"Prince Albert" for instance

That's IT?

There's definitely a market for you in the Japanese gay bukkake industry.

If you can read this, you're in range.

The only thing that makes me feel better is when I remind myself that no
matter what I do, the earth is eventually gonna be consummed by red giant sun
in about 5 billion years anyway and a few quintillion years later, heat
death for the entire universe as well.

you'd need 100 milligrams of thorazine and a polo mallet.

My goal is to produce a zucchini by the end of the semester.

I have no idea if you're intentionally lying or if you simply have
an IQ lower than the average rock, but I'd really recommend that you
quit while you're behind.

for $100M you can  build cerebral electrodes and a happiness button.

Better living through chemistry.

I am Ronald Wilson Reagan, King of Kings. Look on my works, ye mighty,
and despair.

The funniest, frankest family Holocaust drama of the decade!

p.s. i am gay

If you're trying to make me slide down and disappear under the desk
you're doing a good job.

Sygyt will freeze a squirrel and bring about a floor-belly slink in a
cat.  Kargyraa will cause a dog to seek an oblique horizon or to
counter vocalize.

That's actually quite interesting, if largely insane.

I don't actually want a sorority girl at the moment.

Life in the trenches, white picket fences,
see what love can do, don't let it
happen to you

Here, let me help: "Pigfucker, pigfucker, pigfucker"

whups, missed a bacon

Dude, you are morally obligated to commit suicide to
reduce your impact on the planet.

I mean, "Hi."

HEAD is good for relieving your worries

Hello You reproduction fanatics!

Just ignore him, he's not a PhD

Why don't you just tattoo "I'M A LOSER" on your forehead?

God dammit, that page crashed my Jesus

I haven't told you about any of my devastating failures.

I'm too busy sucking anonymous cock down at the wharf to worry about politics

We are damp with gratitude.

What the hell did I cram in my anus last night?

You should refrain from all future intellectual discussion.

my NAME is not BUMBOT

I hate my life.

I am not your rented training monkey

My once submissive wife began to assert her opinions and would not
listen to my prideful orders.

i suspect "karl-shaped" is approximately equivalent to "mid-size cabbage."

I imagined Cheryl saying it, and suddenly the joke was obvious.

we're not losing a bitter zephyrati, we're gaining a bitter zephyratrix

IT IS TIME FOR US TO MAKE SWEET SWEET LOVE

IT IS TIME FOR US TO MAKE SWEET SWEET LOVE

I'm not sure whether to mock you or not.

picture something so annoying that dfoygel enjoys it immensely

Well, that's what aliens do when they abduct you.

These days, you have to boil somebody before you can sleep with them.

Actually, you could replace most of that with the word "quux" and not
lose any semantic content.

Don't worry - The internet is a party every one is invited to.

And it is BIG, it scares people.

Santa *is* an angry shoggoth--which is why I'm sitting on the roof
this Christmas Eve armed with a rocket launcher, an Elder Sign, and a
bottle of cheap tequila.

and Harlan Ellison as the voice of Zooty.

If silence is golden, you will never be rich.

you may also come to enjoy chromatic aberrations

And Satan's computer is hard to test.

Oh, go ahead and apply logic to the situation.

Anyone who knows anything about biology knows that a monkey
and a rabbit can not breed and produce young. If however,
pocket monkey and his rabbit produced young, what would
their young look like?

You're a scientist.  Run an experiment.

Every day, we find a new way to screw up on the web.

Congrats!  Now all you have to worry about is that "house built on top
of old cemetary" problem.

Yes, but this is WAY better than waking up from a dream of excel
spreadsheets.

I'm so tired ...
hopefully tonight I won't dream about the aliens, the volcano, and
Danny Sleator

but the number of characters who wear no pants is rather alarming.

I'm here to talk about one of the most serious problems facing our
nation's men today: insufficient fabric overlap in underpants
crotches.  You all know what I'm talking about.

with occasional cow flurries

I feel inadequate.

Hit me, slap me, make me write bad code

Um, I assume you mean "finish," rather than "write in the language of
the Kalevala."

 Have some coffee already, people.

But you sound delightfully abnormal also!

How do I rid myself of really bad acne?

Encase yourself completely in soft lace.

If I lived in Pittsburgh, I imagine I could make deals with you folks like
"okay if you modify my kernel to do IP-based stack driven optimizing
systolic array video card encryption, then I'll, like, fix your flat tire."

Flunkies!  I want flunkies!

would you class this under "funny-haha" or "funny-weird"?

It is probably the Dinkenlimit.

Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

I'd like to come by to see it explode.

I'd slap you, but you'd only enjoy it.

I think we have very different metabolisms.

Is there intelligent life out there?

All it takes is one person convinced that they can and should contact
extraterrestrials.

Development is hindered by guys with shotguns killing my shell windows. 

shit, I'm leaking on the keyboard

An overweight, left-handed Native-American lesbian dwarf
who is a socialist & feminist ... a public school teacher by day
& prostitute by night ... who also likes to mime.

Eject!  Eject!

andrej is gonna spank you so hard

My butt says "what the hell, try it!"

What are the demographics of a typical "Jeopardy" viewer?
What are the demographics of a typical "Wheel of Fortune" 
viewer?
What are the demographics of a typical "Forum 2000" viewer?

Same supposedly hyperintelligent whatsits acting like petulent
6-year-olds.

how much extra does it cost to get the mailman to set it on fire and
ring the door bell when he delivers it?

Wrap it in tinfoil if you're worried about it.

What is life?

If you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to
form oak, your professor will flunk you.  He wants you to come up with
the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on.
Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

Even in virtual reality, fashion counts.

It is a bad keyboard day.

I am not edible.  Are you edible?

Her face is the cake.

Hello?  Whose dick do I need to scrimshaw to get you to respond?

In this situation, using an imperative language would be more
functional.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

We're dangerously close to over-sharing here.

I am God.
Prove me wrong.

you're just a kosakian stooge

I'm a man of the 90's... I can handle "gay".

You hardly EVER want anything else... 

Yeah, well, you're gonna be exploring the cosmos soon too.

May as well pick up some eye of newt and bat wings while you're at it

mad raging urge po comments re gradstudenthood QWAN qua computer science and
meta-qua one's life's happiness

To which I can only say "Aaarrghhh"

your character set oppresses me

HEY -- You watch your mouth, Canada-Lover!  We don't go for that kind
of talk here in the U.S. of A!

what is the best way to pleasure a president?

Beer?  Hello?

Think of the huge dildos as stone lions.

we can't all be international playboys like you

Bonking strippers is goal enough for any man.

Huh?  Is this some category-theory-inspired nonsense?

the cat also has a substantially different buttock design, which may matter.

This could cause more loss of cerebrospinal fliud than
I can really afford.

But demon locusts are shortly dispatched as a divine plague to attack
those who do not have the seal of God on their foreheads.

At least it will be an act of "educated destruction" then.

ITYM "The laptop implanted in your `lap', known as the "lap""

god you people are annoying

SEX

Nowadays, men can't sustain that kind of focused, frustrated
love without it festering into violence, and women still can't have it
without it degenerating into some form of literature.

wow.  I love you all!  I love my thesis!  la la la la la la

so call me a twisted and malformed excuse for a forgotten life if you must.

personally, five minutes on a beach is enough to convince ME i'm
inferior to anyone with any melanin whatsoever

hands up everyone who believes that

STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENANCE

Graphics tend to corrupt.  Animated graphics corrupt absolutely.

if i were you, i'd graduate first.

Look, the world doesn't stand still while you waste your
time on masturbatory trips of self-discovery.

I'm curious about the patterns of bullshit by which people pull the wool
over their eyes.

Why do it probabilisticaly, when I have provided you with the superior
European solution?

It is my belief that everything good in life must be firmly packed.

Indentations always, or is it ok if they only appear upon clenching?

If it's not love, what's going on? How does an electron 
form a bond? How does it react? How does it HOOOOOOLD on? 
How does an electron form a bond?

Bad metaphor, no biscuit.

Oh please, it should be "Westdirectionbindairplaneflightthroughair."

How many times can a person say "What the fuck is he talking about?" and yet
continue to listen to that person.  That's what I'm trying to find out.

oh momma, nobody I know is cuter than Jar Jar Binks.

We have a word, which translates in English as `ass-face' --
is that close?

congratulations on becoming, uh, a plaunt

am I about to be unhappy?

She could do a tarot reading using cocktail napkins.

Oooooh!  How deliciously tempting.

We're chock FULL of gyros.

Oh, I've got knobs too.   And remotes that turn little motors to turn
the knobs.  And uber-remotes that handle all the other remotes.  And macros. 

Although Fithian, 77, remains a devoted Kegeler, she hadn't heard of
the Feminine Personal Trainer, which is a one-pound stainless steel
weight that comes with a video and a Discreet Hard Shell Carrying
Case.

Oh, I think it's clear that Bond is a renegade Time Lord.

What you're saying is that you want someone to reach out to your inner
slut.

All I wanted was a crash dump, and she wouldn't give it to
me. 

You can't go listening to every fucking little voice that pops into
your head.

KILL THEM ALL AND LET THE DEMONS SORT THEM OUT

To keep this service alive, I need your bones.

the main difference is that the former is useful and the latter
is not.

She was a human being before being a Pitt student.

I, too, am fairly quivering in malleable firstyearness.

my laptop is burning my nads off

future design enhancements may address this issue by the addition of 
artificial giblets.

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!