The Cube:

Hall of Fortuitous Random Number Generation


Submission:
He loves his hemipenes.
Response:
And please, no meatball attachments

Submission:
But, then, what do I know?  I'm just a man who feels he has a pretty good
knowledge of the set of all pictures taken of his crotch at intimate
range.

Response:
I am emoting, senator.

Submission:
They are really tiny souls, but souls nonetheless.

Response:
they operate with different nastiness paradigms.


Submission:
But for now I'll use "2" instead. Close enough.

Response:
except irony-free, and for money


Submission:
It might be beaver ass-juice.

Response:
you never know with Girl Scouts

Submission:
because really, fuck them

Response:
Just move to a state that still has definitions
of legal sexual intercourse on the books

Submission:
It makes me feel like a cow whose mental udders are turgid, taut and painful.
Response:
You should refrain from all future intellectual discussion.

Submission:
The porpoises were unavailable for comment.

Response:
and I'm sure being sodomized by an enemy dolphin is far more
devastating for one's macho morale

Submission:
The vegetable hit the bear on the top of its head and the animal fled.

Response:
It's like the early Tweety cartoons in which Tweety is such a sadistic
bastard.

Submission:
therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper.

Response:
Sometimes I think it'd be comforting to be able to
turn off my head and live in their cute little black and white world.  

Submission:
fucking octopus was right again

Response:
octopus.  BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP
octopus.  BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP
octopus.  BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP

Submission:
I didn't cringe, but I did experience an involuntary sphincter clench

Response:
I just implemented that feature from my to-do list, but I have no
idea why.  What's this supposed to achieve?

Submission:
I'm not paying a single cent to talk to you freaks.
Response:
I will communicate with them purely by pointing and grunting

Submission:
You are now well into "GET OFF MY LAWN" territory

Response:
When you have to watch 11 porn tapes a day, you enter into spooky
territory.

Submission:
Ig gomfa fome ubhiggin!
Response:
You are not being helpful.

Submission:
Also, one of the men has to be dead

Response:
"Completely disconnected and spread out on the floor" is a
valid reading of "unstable" in this case.

Submission:
It's amazing what unnatural colors will appeal to a fish.

Response:
ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR REASON

Submission:
I find being obliterated at Scrabble kind of sexy, but maybe I'm a sub

Response:
No, we're just wondering how to break to you tactfully the fact that you're a
psychotic schizophrenic

Submission:
That's right, I actually typed that sentence.
Response:
The Stupid should at least be quiet.


Submission:
Being more specific and instead asking "countries shaped like penises"
doesn't seem to help matters

Response:
on the other hand, you are probably financially equivalent to a
bargepole-long, doric-column thick penis

Submission:
The first thing out of their alien pie hole is going to be "you should have
used a splay tree."

Response:
"Look! That guy keeled over and started fountaining blood, whereas our 
system just kept going!"


Submission:
The purported advertiser promised to "moan like Shamu."
Response:
That represents either a subtle, backhanded admission of 
something far more interesting or an utter lack of imagination about
what's possible with clothes on.

Submission:
When it comes to baldness, you now have a choice!

Response:
The choice is about as palatable as deciding between death by flaying or death by boiling oil

Submission:
This has "EPIC FAIL" written all over it

Response:
Oh YEAH? Well what do you know about LAWN CARE, pretty boy?


Submission:
My butt is out of ideas.
Response:
My rectum was otherwise "occupied"

Submission:
Weeping, bitterness, binary checks, and veiled threats.

Response:
But no more snivelling.

Submission:
Are you feeling the G, or the jerk?

Response:
There was some great snail foreplay

Submission:
Sorry, I have to do this every now and then to mentally justify the expense
and the earthquakes.

Response:
This is why we must destroy nature.

Submission:
And his plunger technique opened the doors to fame and recognition.

Response:
As long as they keep the drool in their ear canals.

Submission:
I think Pluto is a planet. Why do you think Pluto is no longer a planet? I
do not like your answer!!! Pluto is my faveret planet!!! You are going to
have to take all of the books away and change them. Pluto IS a planet!!!!!!!


Response:
Maybe some people overestimate their spheres.

Submission:
The other books all have some "then he removed her pink panties"
type scene.
Response:
Do you include weeping and sobbing as separate options?

Submission:
how is the gov't going to spy on my conversations when the phone is in my
pocket frying my balls?

Response:
A big balloon full of galactic superclusters would work.
As would a big balloon full of any of several different
fully covariant mathematical formulations of the general
relativistic least action principle as applied to photons,
with lots of spacetime integrals along null geodesics and
four coupled nonlinear Euler-Lagrange equations, the vast
bolus of which, I assure you, bends light like a mofo.


Submission:
No matter how much watermelon you eat, it won't cause you to have an
erection lasting more than four hours. You might have a pretty good bowel
movement, though.

Response:
It would be safer to have someone kick you in the stomach.


Submission:
I could send you a nice braided leather 3-tailed whip

Response:
Bring with you and x-acto knife or at least a sharp switchblade. Why ?
I don't know, but it is always handy

Submission:
I love Jesus and I am trying to love Him more each day. Children are a big
part of my life and I want abajillion of my own someday. My Grandma means
THE world to me. I love those good long conversations where, when you
finish, you can hardly remember what you talked about and how you got from
one topic to another. I am indecisive. I am emotional. I have a great
passion for missions. I get easily attached to people and places. I refer to
most everyone as 'honey.' I love to laugh and remenise. I love to curl up
under a blanket and watch a good movie. I'm so incredibly ticklish. I love
to shop. I love to sing. I wish I could play the piano. Jesus is my
strength, my joy, and my peace. I love summer much more than winter. Also, I
hate being naked. 

Response:
Your unfortunate breathing problem could be easily rectified

Submission:
Also, fountains of poop

Response:
Hey.  He apologized afterwards

Submission:
I'm too introverted to mix with all those other introverts.

Response:
If I enjoyed seizures, I would be in an ideal situation.

Submission:
One student, Dixie Thoman, created a poem about menstruation with syllables
arranged in a mathematically harmonious order, known as the Fibonacci
sequence.

Response:
It's all Bjarne's Fault.

Submission:
I smell an architecture astronaut.

Response:
if you think its a risk, you could throw one of your little force
fields around it.

Submission:
I'm the guy who's dumb enough to forget about ideal gas laws and thereby get
sprayed with yogurt.

Response:
It unveils unsuspected erotic potential in every seemingly neutral legume.


Submission:
Frankly, the number of corner-cases you "customers" find horrifies me.
Response:
A banana in the high-speed card-reader.  Brilliant!

Submission:
I don't want the BBC thrusting bottoms in my face on Christmas
morning.
Response:
Let's face it, you're somebody who believes that little
dry wheat wafers turn into Jesus-meat every Sunday on contact with
saliva, and that man-on-man buttsex is a grave disorder unless one of
the participants is wearing a frock.  Your other issues are in the 
noise.

Submission:
My preferred solution is a retreat into triviality, irrelevance, and
self-indulgent self-absorption.
Response:
we're talking COD EXTINCTION, THAT IS SERIOUS

Submission:
A proper analysis requires transforming to the eigenbooby basis.
Response:
The line must be drawn HERE!

Submission:
and yes, I'll have golden armour with wide curves capable of
containing my ample bosom
Response:
Look. That's a saucer. *That's* boring.


Submission:
I'm gonna wear you, seersucka!

Response:
That's not just a mirror universe, that's a funhouse mirror universe.

Submission:
That can't be a real word!
Response:
You're not just being derivative, you're being second derivative.

Submission:
note to self: blood really stands out on a white keyboard
Response:
Why beat a dead horse with a hammer when you have a perfectly good
piano?

Submission:
Penguins are encouraged to report other penguins who misbehave.
Response:
OK!  Everyone not talking about sex... in here.  The rest, out there.

Submission:
It might sound funny to others, but suddenly thinking you are French is
terrifying.

Response:
Oh, I give up.  Someone carpet bomb his house with Far Side calendars.

Submission:
Do you really want to be known as the guy who thinks creepy
semi-pathological men's room solicitation is an inalienable right?

Response:
The point is that *you* have not observed the ass stuffing.


Submission:
better an airy asshole than a hairy one
Response:
I know one indecently large shitload of exceptions.


Submission:
I don't see what the size of Milton Berle's ding dong has to do with anything.
Response:
that's okay, I'll just wait until you go to sleep tonight...
then I'll cut you in half and count the rings.

Submission:
Oh look, I wiggled my pinkie, and now I'm sopping wet.
Response:
I told you not to have sex with Cthulhu.

Submission:
LOOK MALFOY BE HAVING ALBINO PEACOCKS LOLOLOLOLZ!

Response:
Please click the Refresh button or fill your CD-ROM drawer tray with jam.

Submission:
That way lies madness (and, y'know, cruel experiments with flies and so forth)
Response:
I doubt you actually know anything.


Submission:
vous parle whatthefuck?
Response:
However, it is true that I have no idea what I am talking about.

Submission:
I can't afford to get stupider right now
Response:
The narrow way stretches wearily before me and my soul grows sluggish
and torpid at the thought of the painful life journey


Submission:
NO SCREAMING / NO BLEEDING
Response:
WISHING YOU ALL INTO THE CORNFIELD

Submission:
Animated shiny ass is his bread and butter.
Response:
Did he at least threaten someone with a crumpet?

Submission:
To win this war, we may need science.
Response:
The sight of a G7 nation locked in mortal combat with a hand puppet is
somewhat bewildering.

Submission:
I suppose "run screaming" is a plan of sorts
Response:
It wasn't a massacre, officer. It was science.

Submission:
Stunning!  Wholesome!  Mildly Orwellian!

Response:
Mostly it just screams "BEHOLD my stunning generality" and looks pretty.

Submission:
come to the dark side; we have parametric polymorphism
Response:
I have it on good authority that this happened in 1969 at Oxford, on a
gloomy autumn afternoon, while Dana Scott was resting on the couch in
his study.

Submission:
They might as well just put a "Talk to Live Child Molesters NOW!" button on the
startup screen.
Response:
fortunately the gin numbs the pain a bit.

Submission:
The idea of something like a long sausage, vibrating softly, full of warm
treacle, has certain attractions as a sexual toy.

Response:
it only needs to understand sexual frustration,
self-pity, baiting, and filk.


Submission:
Oh It! Et uh uck away um ee ish!
Response:
Where's "Discust?"  Near Gdansk?

Submission:
Mmmmmmm.  Porn-wrapped gopher.  That's good eatin'
Response:
I'M NOT JOKING, PUNK.

Submission:
"When I see garbage in the sink I feel sad."

Response:
The body is a tool for the spirit and the spirit is a divine song. The
holy tool should not be used for sexual intentions.

Submission:
I will totally do the nyeaah nyeaaah dance.
Response:
You are seriously shivering me timbers

Submission:
I think you'll need some padding before Penthouse will take that one.
Response:
Great minds run in similar gutters.

Submission:
Somewhere in between those two developments I turned into a crotchety old man
Response:
When I am alone in the shower, I don't care


Submission:
can we wear pants for the hug this time? last time was a little weird.
Response:
My personal solution would be really long extension cords.


Submission:
enlarged, red and throbbing, what's not to want?
Response:
There are so many ways to like monkeys, and most of them are kinda unhealthy.


Submission:
Admittedly, the Yeltsin nude scene sort of balances that out.

Response:
The way I see it, there's so much love and beauty in the world,
and someone has to balance that shit out

Submission:
There's God right there and God is clearly on fire.
Response:
don't smudge the pentagram on your way out

Submission:
Also, I have a keep.  With a ginormous sentient spider hanging out in the 
basement.  It knitted me a cloak.

Response:
Ok, *now* I hate you.

Submission:
There were multiple BZZZZZT AAAAAHHHHHs
Response:
THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON WITH A TRIPLE-WORD SCORE 

Submission:
von Neumann machines that melt things -- what could go wrong?
Response:
Suspension of disbelief doesn't get any more heroic than this.


Submission:
Well, let's face it.. there's no dignity in saying "Dog Yeti Nutcase Apple
Mother Otter Otter" on the telephone.

Response:
You are entering a world of pain.

Submission:
I think she's always pleasantly surprised when someone i introduce her
to isn't a complete sociopath.


Response:
However, most are not terribly musical, and typically 
merely rumble or rustle, or squeak unpleasantly when stepped upon.


Submission:
It is not believed to have caused anyone to explode.
Response:
I believe S. Mixx-a-Lot disproved that in his thesis, "Baby Got Back".

Submission:
Art at the CIA should engender feelings of well-being and hope.

Response:
press 1 for NO
press 2 for HELL NO

Submission:
while ($s =~ /\(([\w\-\@\%\!\~\#\&]*) \. ("(?:\\.|[^\"\\])*"|[\w\-]*|\((?:"(?:\\.|[^\"\\])*"\s*)*\))\)/) # Because I could, that's why
Response:
That won't work because God isn't dumb.

Submission:
The War on Flatulence is not going to be an easy sell
Response:
Someone has my C++ answer book that deals with this nightmare.


Submission:
I love the smell of brute force in the morning.
Response:
pump-pump-pump-blow, that's all there is to it

Submission:
fucking REDACTED fucking returns REDACTED on REDACTED.  fuck.
Response:
Yeah.  It's a stack smasher.

Submission:
Don't make me go over there and fuck your skull.

My girlfriend might get jealous.
Response:
I've just thought of a good use for my deceased granny's collection of 
spring-jawed rabbit traps.

Submission:
That's the equivalent of running around the streets with a turkey baster full
of sperm, impregnating happy childless women.
Response:
Let's keep your hostility to Jesus out of this.  

Submission:
Let the cutting commence
Response:
you always say the cutest things


Submission:
oh, I realize I was conceptualizing a BEJEWELEDvagina game.
Response:
I told you, NO FROTTAGE

Submission:
They call it pollution. We call it life.
Response:
Shouldn't this debate be handled in a different forum, such as that of
a Monster Truck Rally?

Submission:
For $760, Madonna would have to blow me and two other mammals of my choice
Response:
That needs not so much a shower as professional pressure washing if
not minor sandblasting and reversed electrophosophoresis.

Submission:
I need a new RPG, and it must not involve stupid hairdos.
Response:
Whoever decided that a tragic, touching supernatural romance would be best accompanied by funky 70s synthesisers (I don't think they're fitting enough to even be classed as 80s) should be forced to eat their own afro.


Submission:
Oh fuck, not another new phylum!
Response:
I bet they have something like a Cauchy distribution.  Really fat tails,
no mean, wallow forever in irrelevance.  Fun.

Submission:
it costs a lot of money to shine a turd.

Response:
It will still be radioactive, but it will be radiating the love of Jesus

Submission:
It gives me hope that there's less of a chance of vegans taking over
in the future and forcing me to open an underground "beefeasy" so I can
continue to get my burger on.

Response:
I was also assigned to help artificially impregnant chickens, but the
morning crew made the day's quota, and I missed out.


Submission:
I really like caramel, but if I had to bathe in fucking caramel and eat it
for every meal and fucking wear caramel for clothes, and then go to a
building made out of caramel and work with sentient hunks of caramel I may
find my taste for caramel diminished.

Response:
I'm sorry, I don't have the free cycles to listen to you whine.


Submission:
My e-willy is shrunken.
Response:
Now if you want to look for a penis-extending device, you need look
no further than an SUV.


Submission:
I am not your prom date
Response:
There's probably some legal "must work for midgets" clause.

Submission:
WON'T somebody THINK of the PONIES? 
Response:
Sadly, no pony.

Submission:
psychooooooooooooooooo
Response:
does he LEARN VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS, LAUGH, and LOVE?


Submission:
we are CIVILIZED, our orgies are SCHEDULED
Response:
Could you type louder?  I can't hear over this racket.

Submission:
"Have you got an ore? I'll trade you a wheat and a sorrow for it."
Response:
And a nut-guard.  Definitely a nut-guard

Submission:
Like you'd turn down a chance to rate Kate Beckinsale's perfect
parabolic bottom.
Response:
What is the ideal male butt anyways?


Submission:
I'm so pumped I could play a trumpet with my cock!
Response:
Vermicelli ... peanut butter ... who could ask for anything more?


Submission:
my mind is numbed by horse fellatio & girl scout cookies
 
Response:
I just finished my macaroons, if you know what I mean

Submission:
Do you like the erectile tissue you have now?
Response:
INCREASE YOUR KOALA'S PERFORMANCE BY 50%


Submission:
I don't want to be doing *anything* "missionary-style" that involves furries.
Response:
I SHAVE MYSELF

Submission:
Also, I'd prefer to be on our mechanical overlords' good side when the
robocaust hits 
Response:
We're bringing the risks of online banking to projectile weaponry.

Submission:
Quick, corner the market on butt plugs
Response:
Incidentally, you left your corker in my office.

Submission:
Wait a minute, you're having some sort of private argument involving 
materialism and I WASN'T INVITED?
Response:
If ya don't like cake, ya eat pie. HUMBLE PIE.

Submission:
Look, this is not some ultra-complicated thing.  We're talking about 
pig shit in kansas.

Response:
Whatever.  I should be boiled in my own dung in any case

Submission:
We hope you'll bend over for us again soon.
Response:
that pain can't possibly have any name

Submission:
What what?  This is the HAPPY me, you pigfucker
Response:
I refuse to feel your pain

Submission:
I'd gladly blow this proust fellow if this what is undoubtedly going
to turn out to be a literature wankfest continues.
Response:
When we said we were trying to set the human spirit free, we intended
to soar aloft with it after its release, not stand on the ground
watching it vanish like a mylar Valentine's balloon, the limp string
in one hand and the scissors of our own obtuse cleverness in the
other.

Submission:
I don't appreciate your thinly-veiled ponysex.
Response:
This was the one-line description of a dream I had last night. It was
odd.

Submission:
It's that cocktease time of year at Berkeley.
Response:
Well, they didn't want to arrest just ANY naked guy.

Submission:
Yes, but given the number of people who clearly have their heads up
their asses, you'd think I'd have learned something about fixing that
problem.
Response:

KOOK: Content analysis details:   (5.7 hits, 5 required)
KOOK: Hit! (0.6 points)  Posted on Geocities
KOOK: Hit! (0.6 points)  Scholarly work ending with copyright
KOOK: Hit! (2.5 points)  Cites usenet as "publishing"
KOOK: Hit! (2.0 points)  Lists >= 3 high school awards on curriculum vitae

Submission:
Sitting in your office in the dark.  Sharpening the knife.  Naked.
Response:
in some box I have a Green Panthers booklet on how to harden and booby-trap
your compound against the Man.  you can borrow it if you like.

Submission:
THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON WITH A TRIPLE-WORD SCORE 
Response:
Additionaly, multiple duck remains were found on the runway
following the mishap.

Submission:
It takes more than 1700 years to elevate "woman, with goat" to
"erotica"
Response:
Did somebody say "orgasm"?

Submission:
Oh crap.  I just remembered I'm human.
Response:
Whatever.  I should be boiled in my own dung in any case

Submission:
Only in the same way that, in theory, dog poop's creamy consistency
should make it more edible
Response:
JESUS Christ, I'm pleading for my life, and you're discussing the
inconsistency of lunch meat condiments.


Submission:
My violin is not sufficiently tiny to truly express my sympathy
Response:
Gosh.  I'll have to resort to normal human kindness.

Submission:
fortunately, my errant son, Xcode is as quick to forgive as it is to compile.
Response:
Messiah Stout.  The beer you've been waiting for.

Submission:
I guess I'll keep it in mind just in case at some point I want something
that vaguely rhymes with "masturbate"
Response:
Damn! People with hard-to-rhyme names really shouldn't blow the
President.


Submission:
I think we found your problem.
Response:
Why don't you try wearing some pants?


Submission:
I KNOW THE COLOUR OF HER PANTIES
Response:
see, if you say stupid things in the right tone of voice, they become
postmodern.


Submission:
The hiiiills are alive with the sound of BUDDABUDDABUDDABUUDDA

Response:
if this is the future, i want a refund.

Submission:
We need more penguin movies!
Response:
If Vin Diesel can wear a kilt and not feel any less of a man, that is good
enough for me.

Submission:
Don't look up anybody's skirt.  EVER.  This is very important.

Response:
Why not, you sex-slave to the Randroids?

Submission:
well, I'm in a mall with Bukkake Master
Response:
Oh, look, another little piece of me just died

Submission:
you are soiling my youth 
Response:
Why must everything I touch turn foul?

Submission:
The negativity of the polarity of the gravitivity means that the
blogosphere is.. is..  dude, I am SO FUCKING HIGH right now.

Response:
Therefore, by transitivity, we see that forewarned is half an octopus,
Q.E.D.

Submission:
I was abused by my father.  Please have unprotected sex with me, give
me herpes, and steal from my purse on the way out.

Response:
Breach of social contract, ten yard penalty, no first kiss.


Submission:
masturbate -> break up with girlfriend -> go on eating binge
                     ^   |
                     |   |
                     |   V
                      cry
Response:
If this is the future, kill me now

Submission:
You are both on infinite crack
Response:

                      Manual Work Feeding
                       ^                 \
                      /                   v
   Thigh Meat Stripping/Ejection    Automatic Slitting
                     ^                     \
                    /                       v
        Thighbone Sinew Cutting          Automatic Cutting
                     ^                     /
                      \                   v
        Shinbone Sinew Cutting   Drumstick Meat Stripping
                        ^               /
                         \-Positioning<-

Submission:
The clown in suspenders and a tiny black top hat spends most of
the sequence at the head end of the blond while the rainbow-wigged clown in
the Mickey Mouse gloves alternates back and forth between smudging his
greasepaint on her crotch and molesting her with a rubber chicken.

Response:
I don't know about you, but I'd rather not see Janet Reno having sex.

Submission:
I was never really into the whole "Run around the woods for
a few days, not showering, and demanding to be called Starsong
Elftouch as I throw beanbags at people and pretend they're magical
spells" scene.
Response:
And also, I don't usually jump from my chronic neurosis to my chronic
pathological obsession in successive zephyrs either, but I had a few beers
trying to get to sleep tonight and, well, this is how my mind works.


Submission:
I can't read Japanese, and I think I'm feeding my dogs poison.


Response:
You're fucked.

Submission:
Mmmmm, zombie potluck
Response:
i'll hold the knife, you move the eyes up and down

Submission:
I think if nasal sex works for you, you have problems.
Response:
Breathe, baby.  I'm just being recreationally difficult.


Submission:
In other news, I am weeping quietly to myself
Response:
But no more snivelling.

Submission:
I have to contend that, whilst on the face of it, he is arguably  
right, the emotional thrust of that (to me) very hard driven fugue   
with its fearsomely hard-won conclusion is such that any possible
perceived dilution of variety in textural or thematic terms at any
point within its progress is more than countered by its sheer all-
pervasive inexorability and the architectonic prepossessions which
not only secure its foundation but propel it forward at all times.
Response:
But to steal a divine state fish is another matter altogether.

Submission:
someone get that man a cold drink and a tall woman

Response:
Mass quantities of meat and sangria are soothing.

Submission:
Yup.  My Magic 8 ball is showing lots of brimstone.
Response:
you are still obligated to tell me who i ended up having sex with.

Submission:
"In a past life, I was Sailor Moon" is not something you want to hear
from a 300lb balding 40-year-old man
Response:
it seems to be schoolgirl season

Submission:
all it takes for me to work up a lust is three slices of bacon and a
ping pong paddle
Response:
Ok, I'm not sure what you would use them for, never done so myself,
ahem, but if you wanted some paddles for something other than rowing,
please, for god's sake, make sure they are made from sustainably
harvested timber.


Submission:
Alternatively, think of it as pure crap.
Response:
Yes, but I can then quietly hate you for years. It all evens out.


Submission:
in other news, i hate everyone
Response:
you don't deserve even a small bit of my extensive pool of elitist scorn.


Submission:
There's "uncool", and then there's "sucking the cock of The Man"
Response:
Show the cleavage, say the line.

Submission:
Wow.  It's been a whole 8 days since I've had boobs.
Response:
It didn't seem like a bad idea at the time.

Submission:
this sort of thing never involves attractive people

Response:
What part of pet rock dont you understand?

Submission:
Basically, your best bet as an expecting mother is to crawl up your own
mother's womb. Apply recursively until you get to Eve.
Response:
I'm probably a bit more openminded about these things, since I do have a
placenta in my freezer.

Submission:
Now I can go get my vibrator or my chocolate cookies or whatever.
Response:
Mmmmmm.  Porn brownie

Submission:
I don't have time to read your little-people chirpings.

Response:
rape, murder, people speaking french.  It couldn't get any worse.

Submission:
Posses whatever drag you want tenspot.
Response:
I feel I am being dragged into a painful nation/state/language discussion.


Submission:
HE ARE RISEN
Response:
Memorable but incoherent.

Submission:
When I was in Iceland I was very tempted to call every Bjork and ask
"Are you _the_ Bjork?"
Response:
I think in the spirit of scientific investigation it's your duty to
move to Iceland and test this hypothesis.

Submission:
Final Rating: 1/5. The power of Christ compels you. The power of
Christ compels you.

Response:
screw that, i'm in thesis mode.


Submission:
It'll either be one islamic superstate or a nice patch of glass
Response:
I murder innocent children.  But I'm accepting patches.

Submission:
I dissected some cats in highschool, but I couldn't see much detail as my only
tool was a hammer, and they squirmed a lot

Response:
2 words: Grappling hooks

Submission:
Also, having a bottle labelled "Dildo Grade Silicone" is kinda cool
Response:
I am happy but nervous about your vastly superior power.

Submission:
gets excited, activates dissection algorithm, disassembles self
Response:
i'm picturing a very special edition of martha stewart living

Submission:
INCREASE YOUR KOALA'S PERFORMANCE BY 50%

Response:
none of my sex toys say "boil to clean" and several say "do not
immerse in water", so there.


Submission:
Years from now, you will either be fabulously wealthy, or flat-foreheaded from
all the self-slapping 
Response:
Then in dream I remember, 'I am monk.'

Submission:
After a few days of coaching, Carlos took pride in lifting the seat before
urinating.

Response:
I can't believe I actually interviewed with the group
responsible for this atrocity.

Submission:
here in paradise, we've gouged our eyes out long ago
Response:
Yes. In exchange, perhaps, for a direct neural connection that provides
unending pleasure

Submission:
This is an attempt at conveying a look of defiance and anti-establishment
bravado, when in reality he just looks like a dick.

Response:
(At some point I'll probably rearrange the page for
the purposes of actually conveying information rather than just 
being a smart-ass.)


Submission:
Baby, you carpet bomb my heart!
Response:
I call dibs on being against the wall.

Submission:
if by human you mean "warm", "spontaneous", "tenderhearted", or "made
out of meat"

Response:
You have made an overgeneralization.  And, all overgeneralizations are
wrong.


Submission:
wife schmife.  hot chicks.
Response:
I think we need the whole cow.


Submission:
hmmm, xbox or collect gay porn...
Response:
There are approximately 8,347 scenarios involving these circumstances
which would be happy, joyous, wonderful situations, rife with
opportunity and good will for all concerned.  This situation is not in
that set.

Submission:
I'M HAVING DAUGHTERS. PASS ME THE SHOTGUN.
Response:
Just stick a bent wire hanger in there and get on with your life.


Submission:
Until then, I suppose I'll have to settle for being mocked early and often.
Response:
SPHINCTER INTEGRITY: COMPROMISED?

Submission:
insn klwn-pssi

Response:
Don't make me come over there!


Submission:
Well, you can either pay taxes or have sex with Paris Hilton
Response:
I don't want to impose my simplistic homonormative logical framework
on you, but is there something you wanted to tell me?

Submission:
oh please, not more butt research

Response:
My willy would shrivel two inches at the prospect of something so
unmanly

Submission:
octopus.  BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP
octopus.  BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP
octopus.  BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP
Response:
What, no slurp?


Submission:
I'll take that as a "FUCK YEAH!"

Response:
Apply derision quotes everywhere.

Submission:
But until then, we're free to make fun of you?
Response:
I respected him for his insanity.

Submission:
I get an IM yesterday afternoon from engineer A, let's call him
shithead.
Response:
the centipedes have started coding in tcl?

Submission:
You two are the only ones I don't hate.
Response:
you don't deserve even a small bit of my extensive pool of elitist scorn.


Submission:
Drink My Juice! It's Technically Fruit

Response:
Let me know when the gurgling starts

Submission:
let me know when my humiliation can start.
Response:
Oh, sorry.  By "humiliation," I meant "love and respect."

Submission:
First I will gut you and fill your belly with thousands upon thousands
of glistening eggs
Response:
That still leaves 64M years before the cockroach people.

Submission:
SLURP, you fool, SLURP
Response:
if i were you, i'd graduate first.

Submission:
Needles, wives, toothbrushes, and now computers.
Response:
We call it "bug convergence."

Submission:
Another reason not to get passing-out drunk.  "Ooh...drinks are on Mr. 
Floppy-Arms tonight"
Response:
When he woke that morning he asked himself, "Should I shave or get out
there and expose lax ethics?"  The man has his priorities straight.

Submission:
um, are you aware that I am something of a fraud?

Response:
I remember hearing that as I entered the land of the conscious this
morning.

Submission:
and now you're bumming quarters in the tenderloin trying to avoid becoming chief
tricks officer for your corner?

Response:
Drat.  The manufactured memories provided to me by my alien supervisors
to ease me into your human society appear to be spotty at best

Submission:
I should hope not. The place should be overrun by locusts and a river
turned to blood.
Response:
sort of a combo platter of your daily bread and leading us into
temptation, eh?

Submission:
if this is the future, i feel queasy

Response:
Exit at your own risk.


Submission:
Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you
say it's time for our viewers to crack open each other's heads and
feast on the goo inside?

Response:
Hey, back off, biology boy.


Submission:
let's just say, "once bitt^H^H^H^Hsavaged by a rabid pack of dogs, twice shy."

Response:
oh look a puddle of bits underneath the cabinet


Submission:
Look, how hard is it for you to play a clueless male?
Response:
Umm, all I can remember were her breasts. 

Submission:
Look, I just want to sell the after death rights to some portion of my
body so that I can buy an ipod, OK?
Response:
Me, I'm bored, and I've got these evil hand issues.


Submission:
We apology for any incontinence.
Response:
a simple and logical three-step exercise in the process of elimination.


Submission:
It's good to know that my two remaining brain cells are almost functioning
Response:
So, not only do they cost a lot, they
don't work.  And when you send them back to get fixed, they send you
other random fruits and vegetables in return.

Submission:
He looks *French*.  And then there is the *flip-flopping*.  And stuff.

Response:
Anyone who disagrees is a FUCKING COCKMONGER and I'll kick his ass.

Submission:
grandma trumps science
Response:
It's the weekend and I want Reese Witherspoon's hair to go away RIGHT NOW

Submission:
Sorry, I was away, setting up a Dutch auction for my penis.

Response:
Friends help friends.  Real friends help friends auction off the bodies
on ebay.

Submission:
You can mentally travel the whole world without actually leaving your bedroom.
Or, like rock bands and Americans, you can actually travel the whole world
without mentally leaving your bedroom.
Response:
I'm trying to exhibit the careful modesty of a recovering smart-aleck.

Submission:
For 10 seconds we see some of the most fucked up and disturbing imagery
that can be crammed into 240 frames of film.
Response:
I know what a Philly cheese steak is like, and I know what Minnesotans do to
 food; a Minnesotan cheese steak would have to be an abomination, something
 like "Christian Rock" or a "Hipublican", a nightmarish chimera that would
 look like the freak result of a transporter accident; it would be an
 inside-out horror with all the parts scrambled that would lie there
 squirming and mewling in agony until the security team put it out of its
 misery with phaser blasts.


Submission:
You're gonna spend some extra time in purgatory, dude.
Response:
I assume you don't mean "gay leather bar" here.


Submission:
Brilliant idea. I'll get around to that just as soon as I finish 
cramming these Saltines up my nose.
Response:
RESULT: YOUR CODE IS 98% MORALLY DISORDERED

Submission:
Well certainly there's better ways to learn about the birds and the
bees than watching mommy stuff a 12" dildo up her ass
Response:
She's my parrot, and she committed a crime, and it was a crime against
God, and it took place at an English private school!

Submission:
It probably has to do with hyperviolent tentacle face-rape or a
immortal goddess who is living on earth as a teenage boy. Or both.
Response:
I understand the bending over now


Submission:
well sure. and not knifing yourself every day is nicer than NOT
knifing yourself every day, but that doesn't make it nice.
Response:
It puts a nice and easy face on the same old unspeakable horror.

Submission:
they'll look at every line in isolation, sixteen times, and say
"well, they're all right.  perhaps I should kill myself."

Response:
Or you could test in isolation until the sun burns out.

Submission:
I heard his realdoll left him.
Response:
That's an empirical fact.  If it were not true, I would not then be
100% correct, and this would be some sort of baitfest on my part.


Submission:
Don't delete this email!  I know this sounds crazy, but
I AM FROM YOUR FUTURE.  The robots have taken over, and the only
way to defeat them is to buy this product which will
e n l a r g e your p3n1s!
Response:
embrace the darkness. it's the only way.



Submission:
oh wait i'm insane
Response:
This is prima facie evidence that you have become paranoid, and want
locking up under one of the mental health acts.

Submission:
I have liquor and know where the local elementary schools are

Response:
There is nothing for them here but toiletries and death.

Submission:
the enemy of my enemy is still pretty fucking annoying

Response:
the friend of your friend is your enemy.

Submission:
So, I guess what I want to say is, pay no attention to this man; to the
best of my knowledge he is talking out of his ass.
Response:
I'm much less weird than all of *you*.

Submission:
Live and learn, as they say -- another day, another glimpse into the
void that is human existence.
Response:
I smell the presence of Satan.

Submission:
The embarrassed silence that invariably follows rejection doesn't last long.
Response:
don't fuck with me today.

Submission:
Pizza is the food of the old times. 
Response:
Choose leaner viands, ye whose jovial make
Too fast the gummy nutrient imbibes.

Submission:
I'll just put it in the rocket I'm already launching to carry my
thesis into the center of the sun

Response:
On my mark, turn your keys to launch.

Submission:
Maybe you were thinking "this squid is bouncy more than that one is"?

Response:
Considerable suspense can be built up as one approaches the elastic limit.

Submission:
On his left sat Cerberus, the watchdog of Hades and noted designer of
the pineapple.

Response:
I'm sorry, I'm imagining the pineapple, and it's just NOT going to work

Submission:
However, I hate you anyways.
Response:
you don't deserve even a small bit of my extensive pool of elitist scorn.


Submission:
there's a tg on good friday?
on the other hand, i guess beer isn't meat
Response:
You have 0 soul bucks remaining.

Submission:
it's compulsive. I can see the dopamine squirting every time another
acronym comes up
Response:
unfortunately, under the ADA it's illegal to fire someone for being a
manic-depressive compulsive masturbator.

Submission:
RUB HARDER, BEAVIS.
Response:
Great, it turned entire sections purple.

Submission:
Also, now that we've invented the U, can we use it, thanks?
Response:
evil would never concoct something as vapid as that. say what you will
about evil, at least it has sharp edges.


Submission:
why would you want to learn the language of a country that thought it a good idea to colonize greenland?

Response:
This opportunity for mobility is commonly called the American Dream.

Submission:
I'd be waaay more entertained if they had a urinal shaped
like a shooting gallery with duckies and spinning dealies
and other stuff to make peeing fun again.

Response:
YOU WILL NEED: Safety scissors, scotch tape, popsicle stick, computer

Submission:
I won't go into details, because I know you're eager to get to the bit
about the orgasms.

Response:
Exposure to Italian spoken slowly by beautiful girls does work
wonders.


Submission:
I detest taking even small risks unless we feel that we are being
adequately compensated for doing so. About as far as we will go down that
path is to occasionally eat cottage cheese a day after the expiration date
on the carton.
Response:
I hate. It's simpler.

Submission:
I've learn to respond "fuck you" without even looking up
Response:
If you guys have to resort to "common wisdom" to counter me, you might as
well just lobotomize yourself right now.


Submission:
I'll just walk into Steve's office, pull down my pants, and urinate on his
desk. What could he say to that? It's guaranteed to work.
Response:
Are you sure the average reader is ready for the fast paced and 
sensual life of a computer science grad student?


Submission:
And then the keeper gave them an egg and they successfully incubated and
raised it (although presumably it was then GAY GAY GAY).

Response:
That was the End of the World News.


Submission:
So, this is widely believed to be bad, but why is that so?
Response:
it's pretty cool and widely used by a deeply committed, if somewhat
disturbed community

Submission:
if I think about Nixon sex I'm going to have to scrub my brain
Response:
Most people think I need intervention, actually.

Submission:
We shouldn't hold people accountable for advocating things.
Response:
Refute *this*, big boy

Submission:
I would be oozing mint juleps out of my ass by now.
Response:
Except these peppermint livesaver candies on my nipples are startin'
to burn like the dickens.

Submission:
I hope the neighbors don't mistake my soulful Pixies covers for
somebody being hacked to death

Response:
it won't work, but at least you'll be one level deeper in hell

Submission:
kerberos--
Response:
Well, duh, you've forgotten the -WORK_CORRECTLY_PLEASE switch.

Submission:
On the other hand, I just said something cynical, mean and wrong. What have
aliens done with me?
Response:
provided there's enough booze and whores, I can handle it

Submission:
I'm an Atheist, but I still brush.
Response:
And I have been brushing my teeth with hair gel for a week.

Submission:
oh god.  I have a child.  I can't have just read this.
Response:
Fear not!  You're not alone!  We're worse, and we want to help.

Submission:
The secret to Catholic girls is to threaten to spill your seed on the
ground if they don't sleep with you.

Response:
That's the pain talking.

Submission:
It's robots all the way down
Response:
I love the smell of dilithium in the morning.

Submission:
All I have is a lot of hatred welling inside of me.
Response:
My friends have taken to calling me "Bitch of Untrammeled Malevolence."

Submission:
These are not rough estimates. These are scientific facts based on the
research done by captive supergeniuses working in controlled
conditions with test mice and test mice dressed like tiny wizards.

Response:
that butt is a technological marvel


Submission:
We who are about to be bitter salute you
Response:
We, who are about to salute you, die.


Submission:
Conservatives love semen.
Response:
This strange byproduct of your depraved capitalist society interests me

Submission:
at least I can take comfort in being smarter than you
Response:
That is a large component of my pain, yes

Submission:
Meet Tom, his five wives, and his thirty children.

Response:
Multiple wives.  Opera singing.  Lots of candles.  Opera singing.  Insanity.

Submission:
is your asshole refereed?
Response:
On the street, we judge people by their clothes.  In the bath, everyone 
is equal.

Submission:
i don't understand why you don't understand why i would say something
like this
Response:
This has nothing to do with facts. I'm just tossing it in
anyway.  

Submission:
I think "really" but might mean ""really"" or even """really""" or
perhaps "oh no please kill me"
Response:
in fact, the SWAT team has already been dispatched.  please stay where
you are.

Submission:
Dude!  She wants you.  I can tell.
Response:
Can you say 'franking privileges' ? 


Submission:
Oh please. My butt has a PhD

Response:
I believe you misspelled "delusional and schizophrenic".
Hope this helps.

Submission:
OK, suppose you have impaled your head on a drill and survived. What's your
next move?
Response:
Like you, I would assume that putting a wet snake inside and closing
the hole is not going to do the job.

Submission:
i seem to be covered in mysterious grime

Response:
The "FRESH DONUTS" sign is a neon beacon of hope in my late-night
drunken wanderings 

Submission:
Yeah, but it makes me feel dirty
Response:
Gender is hard and shopping's always a solution.


Submission:
there are many souls that must be cleaved from their earthly containers
Response:
Toaster ovens!  Do you hear me?  I'm going to take your
innards and use them as TOASTER OVEN CONTROLLERS unless you start
working right this instant.

Submission:
Don't suspect your neighbors. Report them.

Response:
It still feels good when the system turns a bunch of fuckers into
fuckees

Submission:
Much of the day's news is dominated by pricks.

Response:
Because life sucks.
Fuck you.
You're too late.


Submission:
Hitler?  I don't see it.

Response:
Wow, you can send email to their dictator

Submission:
Should you happen to be a 14-year-old boy or her 47-year-old ex-husband,
you'll love it.
Response:
which is silly, given that there clearly exist people who value their
Magic: the Gathering skills more than sex.

Submission:
We can mock ANYTHING

Response:
I'm probably only claiming this to piss you off.


Submission:
It's never too late to have a disturbing childhood
Response:
It starts with a 2x4 and a chainsaw.

Submission:
You have fucked with the wrong bovine, my friend
Response:
Bovine digestion does not generally involve nuclear reactions.

Submission:
Aside from that, it sells cocoa, welcomes a few Portuguese tourists, and
makes a bit from international telephone sex lines.

Response:
I'm glad I've furnished the crumb of amusement needed to keep him from
committing suicide this afternoon.

Submission:
I never quite feel as romantic as when, bathed in moonlight, outdoors, next to
a pond,  I bumfuck persons of any sex.
Response:
You should realize that marriage is about as useful as swimming in
a tub of cream pudding.


Submission:
who knows what might happen.  a rain of frogs. 
communism running rampant.  dogs and cats fucking in the streets. 

Response:
Dammit. My quest for spiritual truth is RUINED

Submission:
Americans are those gross people who go to shopping malls and watch television.
Response:
they are a bunch of drooling, subliterate morons who couldn't find
their own asses with both hands, a guide dog, a GPS receiver, and
ponce de fucking leon


Submission:
Do I sense a little hostility here?
Response:
anybody can be loved, but it takes someone special to inspire a true,
lasting animosity.


Submission:
Nowhere in the disseration or the thesis oral does the word
"asstastic" appear

Response:
This is where I would search for the URL that talks about how its
a mitzvah to sleep and cohabitate with your spouse in the Sukkah,
but I have an Emmy award to announce


Submission:
You are not being discriminated against; you are being hashed into the
bucket containing nascar fans.
Response:
Yeah, I'm a big fan of moments of terror.

Submission:
I'm fine with miscegenation, as long as it occurs in controlled
conditions, such as a hostess bar

Response:
Now that outmoded sexist paradigms of female subjugation and
powerlessness have been subverted in the traditionally male-dominated
arena of boxing, you can see some major titty-bouncing.

Submission:
I can't tell whether it'll be fun or whether it'll completely suck.
Response:
I still have yet to be convinced that this particular programming
practice isn't in the same general class of activities as, say, eating
cake with a fork you've stuck up your nose.

Submission:
HEWWO?  DO WOO WUV ME?  PWEASE WUV ME 
Response:
ThotCrime!  Woo!


Submission:
Well, I wrote a little song about this called "Women are Special (They
will not stop until we are dead)"

Response:
Jot that sequence down.  the prime numbers are probably talking to you.

Submission:
Like processes, we have parents but not mothers
Response:
it's not a good day for my child to do this to me.

Submission:
all morning it was  yogurt  yogurt
Response:
Any culinary endeavor in the shape of your head is a
worthwhile culinary endeavor.

Submission:
we try to avoid terminal embarassment or actual criminal charges
Response:
sprite is the worst offender in that category

Submission:
 s/you/j00/gi; s/\bth/d/g; s/ck\b/x0r/g; s/cking\b/x0ring/g;
 s/cked\b/x0red/g; s/cker/x0r/g; s/fu/f00/g; s/word/werd/g; s/oo/ew/g;
 y/uae i YAE In Oo/v43 1 Y43 1n 00/; s/c001/k3w1/ig; s/741k/t0k/g;
 s/00/o0/g; s/0rk/r0k/g; s/jo0/j00/gi; y/a-z/A-Z/;

Response:
typical Microsoft statement

Submission:
I'm sorry, I didn't think I was going to talk about "man on dog" with a
United States senator, it's sort of freaking me out.

Response:
While taking a nice hot bath, drinking a fine wine, about an hour after
smoking a really fat joint.


Submission:
Just in case you're wondering: for the record, I have never humped a hairbrush
Response:
Let us peel back the foreskin of assumption and apply the stiff wire
brush of reality.

Submission:
They'll be coming to my house on some future New Years Eve and taking
my 90 cats away.

Response:
How silly.  Friday evenings should be devoted to sexual activity.

Submission:
Well, surely you realize that in the george-o-verse jews control
everything.   Newspapers, governments, women, deer, mexicans, the
slurpee machine. EVERYTHING
Response:
great. i can feel the love as they
tell me to bend over.

Submission:
I guess the downside is that now I have Thundercats slash fiction in my head.

Response:
I take it your silence means you do not want any more gay nazi smurf
slash

Submission:
If you really want to ride on a thirty-year old airplane that badly,
why don't you buy yourself a ticket on Air Peru.
Response:
If you liked that rollercoaster, I got a ride at home that will really make you
scream. 

Submission:
Inside every single guy is a potential non-single guy with lower standards.
Response:
We're all girls for the purposes of that phrase.


Submission:
digital ink is a euphemism for ejaculating in a scanner and then scanning it

Response:
Analog wins. Digital loses. We all eat potatoes.


Submission:
Try it with -O1 and -O2. Then, if you have a window facing Hammerschalg,
leave your office.
Response:
Love means never having to say "I'm sorry I'm bleeding profusely"

Submission:
I HAVE THE FIRST PAMPERS DOLLAR
Response:
This is too useless even for mathematicians.


Submission:
NO MAN-JUICE SHAKES

Response:
Junk food is considered part of the vegetable food group, because it
comes from a plant.
 
A big chemical plant.  In New Jersey.


Submission:
Long story short, I thought the toothpaste was "Tom's of Maine" but it
was "Tom of Finland."

Response:
Doctors say I can go cold-turkey now or require electroshock
therapy later.

Submission:
my implant gives me a little burst of endorphins when you say that
Response:
Just repeat to yourself: "Bluescreen technology keeps improving."

Submission:
Drinks and zoo tickets are on me tonight!
Response:
Also, I realised that my morning cappuccinos are basically potions of speed

Submission:
After almost three years of watching people sitting around on a beach
trying to cook rice, that sounds pretty intriguing.

Response:
After the Revolution, your tea will not get stewed either, comrade.


Submission:
As a matter of fact I swallowed one of these about two hours ago, and the
explanation is that it is in fact my hand.

Response:
To which my advisor's impassioned response was, of course,
"What...the...FUCK?"  He takes his swimming pretty seriously.

Submission:
I call Hitler.
Response:
We need a more lasting form of negative feedback than just paper rejections.

Submission:
You should start it so I can mock it, use it, and have my self worth lowered by it.

Response:
Joseph's hard lower bound is Catherine Zeta-Jones


Submission:
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Hold me, I'm scared
Response:
Bzzzzt!  Wrong!

Submission:
tofu makes me fart like a.. big.. uh.. farting thing

Response:
He is clearly mature and considered in his onions.


Submission:
With a degree, or in a blaze of gunfire. I don't really care.
Response:
I am altering your thesis topic.  Pray I do not alter it any further.

Submission:
For a start, there was that enigmatic, slightly insane grin, which
disturbed more than it revealed.

Response:
Being neurotic is so fulfilling.

Submission:
I lack the shibboleths. Yet I persevere. Bite me.
Response:
These three roads lead to Hard Copy, Court TV, and Dateline, respectively.

Submission:
he's drunk on something he can't pronounce
Response:
C'mon pal, lechery and hootch are the cornerstones of society and
culture.


Submission:
I probably don't need all the variables in /var, either
Response:
Remember, your program will compile much much faster if you
take some, but not all, of the vowels out of your variable names.

Submission:
Well, to be fair, the rational thing to do when you meet her at the 7-11
and see that she's 12 would be to NOT FUCK HER NOW!

Response:
If I don't become a badass, I'm well en route to become the nice
spinster auntie that bakes nice desserts

Submission:
can we just condense this discussion into

denial
reality
DENIAL
REALITY
pathetic self-serving argument
clarity

Response:
I hear interpretive dance is popular at category-theory conferences.

Submission:
We must maximize production of the American way of life.

Response:
White people suck. They're ugly and their food is boring.

Submission:
OH GOD PLEASE ERASE THIS FROM MY HEAD
Response:
they could send Jeff Bezos over with a sponge and some Palmolive


Submission:
This excessive concern with little weasels is a deranged sickness with
you.

Response:
Then I'll pass them through the paper shredder, one by one.

Submission:
First, I'd need to care.
Response:
I can solve my personal problems on my own just fine, thank you.  the
only issue at hand is figuring out how to get my hands to fit around
your neck.

Submission:
a real woman is a computable function that takes an epsilon and returns an
epsilon-approximation
Response:
We emphasize that these tantalizing expressions are *approximations*.

Submission:
I sense a heteronormative assumption
Response:
leaving out the matter of gender so as to satisfy all parties

Submission:
we're like superman, if superman bombed people.
Response:
17 Kills                         +170
2 wounded                         +10
8 missing presumed shot           +40?
2 hostages                        -10
Killed by cops/Maybe suicide       +0?
Required 200 police to corner him +10
Bought his own coffin              +5
17/25 = 68% kill ratio            +10
List of victims                   +10
weapon choice - hand grenade       +5

TOTAL                            250 points 

Submission:
return ({goto L; 0;}) && ({L: 5;});
Response:
panic("I'd like a stack trace now");

Submission:
the banana slug's feelers were jiggling quite
disturbingly 

Response:
Anything that killed that many French people can't be all bad.

Submission:
What if he's got a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's
heads and stuff?
Response:
Think of it as a misery-loves-company extravaganza.

Submission:
yeah, but throwing spears from the top of the tower isn't going to be
good for your bodycount
Response:
If you're laughing in a high-pitched, sanity-eroding kind of way, that is.

Submission:
The geologist and the crook also find the time to fight over the rancher's
daughter, while the moll fumes.
Response:
There is a tragedy coming.  I can feel it in my bones.

Submission:
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A HERETIC! BURN! BURN! BURN!

Ooops, sorry, I have to go take my medication now.
Response:
vegan cheese is not a suppository

Submission:
they never told us it was a biohazard when we bought it
Response:
whatever. off i go to finish up my lasagne.

Submission:
You can never have too many sheep and extreme sports.
Response:
anyone who finds this erotic, stay the *hell* away from me.

Submission:
Ok.  I'm sorry.  Can we please get past the "tomault is an ignorant
freak" beating?
Response:
On zephyr, no one can hear you cry.

Submission:
Oh please. "Lethal", maybe. But "unexpected"?
Response:
And frankly, I like the fact that most of my idiocies are non-fatal.

Submission:
Well, by this stage, you're probably bouncing up and down in your seat
with barely-continent excitement, thinking, "Wow, am I really going to
learn to write like Stephen Donaldson?"

Response:
I love people like this, 'cause I don't have to give them _any_ sympathy at all.

Submission:
Graph theory and combinatorics bring out the worst in people.
Response:
17 Kills                         +170
2 wounded                         +10
8 missing presumed shot           +40?
2 hostages                        -10
Killed by cops/Maybe suicide       +0?
Required 200 police to corner him +10
Bought his own coffin              +5
17/25 = 68% kill ratio            +10
List of victims                   +10
weapon choice - hand grenade       +5

TOTAL                            250 points 

Submission:
Your search - "inducing lactation in males" - did not match any documents. 

Response:
"impressed" is a pretty charitable way of putting it.


Submission:
a riddle, wrapped in an engima, wrapped in a POUND OF BACON

Response:
a MYSTERY wrapped up in a RIDDLE wrapped up in a HAM SANDWICH.


Submission:
I see a new circle of hell being created right now
Response:
You pick one moronic devil or another. Either way, prepare for pain.


Submission:
Is the defense going to involve launching cabbages at people?
Response:
I've known a few posters who didn't need that service.

Submission:
Invite girls. Apparently they have a civilizing effect.
Response:
you must feeel the pigfucker flow through you

Submission:
Caesar. his name was Caesar. he ironed money
Response:
through the magic of inkjet iron-on T-shirt transfers, many things are
possible.

Submission:
 Now we will argue, of course, about what is "my butt"
Response:
The correspondent spared us some of the details.
We will spare you all of them.

Submission:
 I was letting my imagination take care of the rejection for me
Response:
It's something like a german Fachschule, but not really.


Submission:
Immaculate conception, long labour, big-boned messiah
Response:
Do not use "Magic Eight Ball" as a home pregnancy test.


Submission:
We're expecting to feel the grip on our testicles any day soon.
Response:
And in the resulting market panic, there will be some great deals.


Submission:
oh dear, she is the web mouthpiece of God!
Response:
Ok, *now* I'm scared.

Submission:
Dear Spammers:

I don't want to increase my penis size.
I won't make any money from home.
I'm happy with my present insurance.
I don't think an urgent response is really needed.
I'm not in need of looking and feeling twenty years younger.
I don't care about a small investment that will make me money.
I'm already listed in all the search engines I can stand.
I don't need an X-Rated membership for life.
I'm not interested in meeting someone.
I have no desire to make love until I drop.
My prescription is already filled.
You didn't promise me any links.
The government won't pay me 15%-300%.
I have plenty of toner and inkjet cartidges.
I don't care how hot, sweet and young you are.
I don't think that sticker will boost my phone.
I'll pass on my free Internet income.

And, as the other guy mentioned, you're not my friend.

Response:
It was always clear to me that you are a dangerously intelligent person.


Submission:
are there any parts that aren't insulting?  'cause i'd kinda like
to fill in the gaps.
Response:
what I mean is, we have "offensive" well-covered already.

Submission:
It seems a little unfair to penalize outsized Teutonic mammaries just
to gratify your desire to see mangled pro-lifers.

Response:
Roll the R, add the germanic j at the end, put the stress on E,
then shake it all about


Submission:
DON'T MENTION THE BABY
Response:
I figure if I ever want to simulate raising children I'll just bring
two dogs and two cats into the house, let a couple hundred leeches
attach themselves to my body, turn the stereo on full-volume, and burn
$50 bills as quickly as I can.


Submission:
Does the way he says that make you nervous, too?
Response:
he's foreign.... and therefore.... excitable

Submission:
To be a terrorist you also have to, you know, instill terror.  
Response:
you have been deemed a threat to homeland security.


Submission:
GOD DAMMIT YOU GOT BOTH A CHECK *AND* A PAMPERS COUPON

Response:
... described in company publicity as "seriously cool."



Submission:
It plays like an extended, and heavily camped-up episode of "Twilight
Zone," as drawn by Mad magazine. 

Response:
The fact that the sex scenes weren't even any fun just put the grey
icing on the cake.

Submission:
If you want to kill yourself, don't fuck around with it, go on and do it
expeditiously!

Response:
Do I really have to execute a 600 mile bitch slap?

Submission:
What is that?  A code word for HOMO?
Response:
Science fiction is a part of the Communist plan to dominate Western
culture. Queen Elizabeth herself has been known to pen "sci-fi" under
a pseudonym.


Submission:
Beneath the bombast is an emotional cripple with the moral development of a
toddler.

Response:
I see him as a bizarre sort of principled right-wing
libertarian/anarchist.

Submission:
The ultimate distraction is a pack of scantily clad teenage girls with
stun grenades, tasers and rollerskates.
Response:
The most elaborate example even includes role-playing bimbos.


Submission:
Look, go read Hegel and do some extrapolation
Response:
I misinterpreted 'nut free zones' for a moment.

Submission:
Wait---he was testing my patriotism last night?  I thought it was my gag reflex.  
Response:
My inner Gloria Steinem is shocked beyond belief, as are my inner Kate
Millet and my inner Andrea Dworkin.

Submission:
We probably have the smartest morons in the world too.
Response:
However, it is true that I have no idea what I am talking about.

Submission:
I HATE the fact that time can arbitrarily pass, and there's nowhere
clean to stop time.
Response:
I think I could handle this if it didn't feel so much like a bad Star
Trek episode.

Submission:
Given the genius/fool ratio for our species, the odds aren't very good.
Response:
Woah -- The Kingdom of Heaven meets the Playboy Advisor!


Submission:
Never Mind World Peace, Visualize Using Your Turn Signal
Response:
Feature not implemented.

Submission:
Well, sure, it's his baby and he can tattoo it any way he wants.
Response:
You may also have sex with my dead body if you want.

Submission:
one!  I have one nose!  [thunder & lightning]
Response:
We thought it was thunder, but it was just people unloading beer dowstairs.


Submission:
excellent.  my jokedar was malfunctioning.

Response:
Implant malfunction
IMPLANT MALFUNCTION
UNIT HAS GONE ROGUE

Submission:
Your search - gerbiling - did not match any documents.

Response:
Wear safety goggles.  Use with caution.

Submission:
I'm just using them as an example.  Lobsters are not the solution.

Response:
Go forth and write tail-recursively.

Submission:
Nostrils are more flexible than you might think
Response:
Mine feel like nice, pliable leather.


Submission:
YOU'RE SOAKING IN IT
Response:
I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THE SHRINKAGE!

Submission:
Those Asian hotties were sour anyways
Response:
The eye opening delightful morning taste of expired cheese
bits in sour milk.

Submission:
The pigs have been cleared for takeoff
Response:
OK then, topple them slowly


Submission:
Wow.  It's incredibly upsetting to be picked up by people, choked, and then
dropped down into the abyss.
Response:
We found the idea humorous at the time, but we learned from this experience
that some ideas, however empirically funny, are simply not meant to be
implemented.


Submission:
Four decades of cigarettes, alcohol, energetic fraternising with groupies
and enough drug-taking to fell a whole herd of oxen have passed him by like
a ray of sunshine.

Response:
Those of us who knew and loved him were just plain *shocked* when the autopsy
showed a complete absence of recreational pharmaceuticals in his system.

Submission:
Well, if you feel like schlepping down to LA before the week is out, you
might be able to buy some gear, or maybe even sign in for a farewell
spanking.
Response:
You're probably in their database as a whiner.  Which is
unsurprising.  You're in my database as a whiner.

Submission:
well, and everyone and a while you get to chant "harder. HARDER!"
Response:
OK, I admit it.  I had a wet dream last night where AFS played a crucial 
role.  Before I knew it, I was forked.


Submission:
It doesn't matter that I met her when she was the rear end of a
cow. She is the perfect package.

Response:
It is a privilege, not a right, for people to think of me as wacko.


Submission:
My coworkers are just as smart and obnoxious as I am. They terrify me, even.
Response:
what I mean is, we have "offensive" well-covered already.

Submission:
what's wrong with macrodildonics?
Response:
Unfortunately it also tends to fall off and crash to the floor at
inopportune times.


Submission:
I love you and I want your children. (Admittedly, only to get the best
price I can for them, since I'm a bit short on cash at the moment.)

Response:
What, you're not budding yet?

Submission:
He doesn't mind doing this as long as you give him beer.

Response:
Guinness would be for severe blood loss. Mild injuries would call for
maybe a nice lager or pale ale.

Submission:
getting head from several girls doesn't mean anything unless they were
all top notch fluffers on the US olympic cocksucking team.


Response:
I have no bitterness. I am the anti-bitter.

Submission:
I need a chick with a higher polygon count.

Response:
some sort of love triangle or more complex polygon

Submission:
Let's be honest -- when was the last time a carrot ejaculated on you
at the salad bar? 

Response:
Oh please. I've seen PUMPKIN SEX.

Submission:
only this time, Boris and Natasha are on our side!

Response:
The dark side, she is seductive, da?

Submission:
sometimes the Goddess Energies like to Manifest themselves by Pounding On
The Shift key.
Response:
I could pretend to be shocked and dismayed by this, but I haven't got
the energy.

Submission:
When I claimed a dollar from him, he sent me a $1 Pampers coupon
Response:
Ah, now that I realize that you sometimes assign different meanings to
words than those that are generally accepted, your absurd ravings make a lot
more sense.


Submission:
It unveils unsuspected erotic potential in every seemingly neutral legume.

Response:
We want continuous flatulence.


Submission:
Gay sexuality?  I thought they were talking about a new fountain drink
dispenser.
Response:
kill them now

Submission:
My children shall be named "Kirk", "Sheridan", "Ivanova", and "Delenn"
Response:

On my planet, in art museums, paintings that would otherwise be titled
"Untitled" are instead titled "Whatever."

Submission:
Your puny macros sicken me, girly man.
Response:
Yes, but you are abnormal.

Submission:
gimme furni, you get sex
Response:
I was briefly tempted by the "East Asian brothel frequent flyer miles"
but pulled it together.


Submission:
Contrary to what society tells you, you do a lot more than just
deposit the sperm
Response:
The last time we tried more active lovemaking, we nearly lost our
security deposit.

Submission:
I'll empathize with your pain just as soon as I stop laughing
Response:
Grad school and America made me the cheerful person I am today.


Submission:
he got locked in a steel cage with esr and then I stopped paying attention
Response:
Kind of hard given that they blew up the sun, right?

Submission:
Eating a donut is a side-effecting operation
Response:
there's nothing like experiencing firsthand the way your lips smack together 
after tasting the sugary goodness.

Submission:
Ah what the hell. So long as we don't die.
Response:
the theory being that you'll probably emit a foot-long
blue flame from the side of your head, which would look pretty fucking cool.

Submission:
Look, I'll kill you.
Response:
not if I get my way and surgically remove the pleasure centers of
your brain

Submission:
 How am I going to please an infinite god with limited firepower?
Response:
cleanliness is next to reggae

Submission:
I dance upon your socioeconomic status.
Response:
Number Eight: You have overestimated your importance in the Universe.


Submission:
Does sex hurt when it's the first time? How badly does it 
hurt? And on contrast, how good does it feel?


Response:
Here, bite this stick while I pour whisky in your vitals.


Submission:
I now require a catcher's mitt and fiberglass to masturbate myself to
orgasm.

Response:
If this isn't a project destined for talent like Brad Pitt, Julia
Roberts, Ricki Lake, Crispin Glover and 40 high-end Silicon Graphics
workstations, we don't know what is.


Submission:
You can talk about women all you want.  In the meantime, I'm going to
shove my finger up Kosak's ass and milk his prostate.
Response:
It won't be really scary until we dress Xavier up in a Barney suit.

Submission:
I keep my genitals wrapped in tin-foil at all times to block the 
space aliens' sinister mutagenic rays.
Response:
No doubt some sinister heterosexual quotas were involved.

Submission:
stop POKING my CRUST SCABS
Response:
Would you like to draw a picture of that?

Submission:
Goedel implies Akido?
Response:
Nonsense.  All this statement implies is that every system contains 
at least twelve hypocrites.


Submission:
Size may not matter in this case.
Response:
Feeling incorrect?

Submission:
That consideration is obviously not relevant here, where appellants'
conduct was obviously intended as a political, rather than a fashion,
statement.

Response:
This relegates to trivia such considerations as social skills,
etiquette, other people's feelings, any exertion outside of your own
narrow focus, and possibly even personal hygiene.

Submission:
Deny everything; after the ceremony, head for Vegas.
Response:
I don't know about you, but I'd rather not see Janet Reno having sex.

Submission:
Sing, you swine!  You all know the chorus!
Response:
I am learning.

Submission:
Now my hatred is justified
Response:
My friends have taken to calling me "Bitch of Untrammeled Malevolence."

Submission:
mount -t nfs doctor:/home/porn /home/porn

SUCCESS
Response:
Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was so big ???


Submission:
I presume my enjoyment of this track is another indication
that I am gay and just don't know it
Response:
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Submission:
Always ready to stand in as the designated doofus.
Response:
Is he the guy that was in the bed when I came to check out the butt washer?


Submission:
MRA EHT MA I

EKAM I DNUOS EHT SI SIHT DNA 



WOoooooOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOO!
WoOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOooooo!
WoooooOOOOOOOOOOooOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Response:
.yppah em ekam lliw tI
.noitcerid thgir eht ni liame etirw em ekam lliw ti dnA

Submission:
I cannot discuss my notes if you have a boner.
Response:


Submission:
I think I just got bumped up a notch in that gay<->hetero scale
Response:
I used to worry that i'd whip it out in public and people would think
I'm a nerd.  Now I fear that whipping it out will make me seem
conformist. 

Submission:
There's the engagement party, the wedding, all those people you never
really knew eating YOUR food and drinking YOUR money.

Response:
that's a religious issue.  and you are wrong.

Submission:
When I argue I tend to be explicit about what I think is wrong, and
usually append a "pigfucker" for good measure at the end
Response:
Really? I'm writing my first novel in the third-person subjunctive,
with changes in narrative voice expressed by a different angle of the
text upon the page.

Submission:
You mean these computers can be used for porn *and* work?
Response:
Now apply this same theory to drinking.

Submission:
I just don't care, because I'm on the inside of my face.

Response:
orally penetrated by a tentacle
ORALLY PENETRATED BY A TENTACLE

Submission:
It has some mild profanity, some lecherous ogling and some frightening car
crashes.

Response:
Dull, boring roles are assigned to subroutines.

Submission:
and what if you upload yourself into self-replicating bush robots
which fan out with the intent of meeting for a party on the other side of the
galaxy?  can they all read it?
Response:
hm, I bet I could bud if I just tried hard enough

Submission:
You were feeding it "wrong" problems.  By "wrong" I mean correct ones.
Response:
typical Microsoft statement

Submission:
But can't you "-jesus" ?

Response:
But what do I know?  I was taught from the Hebrew

Submission:
a MYSTERY wrapped up in a RIDDLE wrapped up in a HAM SANDWICH.

Response:
goddamn pork fascists won't let me put the lettuce on top of the tomato in
my sandwich.

Submission:
I can finally afford a crazy stripper wife
Response:
"look at me fire my mighty weapon all over this woman.  *grunt*"

Submission:
I am pro-death: pro-choice, pro-euthanasia & assisted suicide,
pro-gun, pro-death penalty, anti-seatbelt & -helmet law, pro-drug
and prostitution decriminalization.
Response:
i have no morals


Submission:
does anyone have a knack for finding "studs"?
Response:
I recommend you wear black leather and develop a fixation on eggplant.

Submission:
Most of the chicks I see, with their razornails, retracting fangs, and
strychnine-tipped barbed pubic wire, they're just so... independent.

Response:
massive monroeville faux-glam big hair FREAKishness
my penis has retracted inside my body cavity

Submission:
I want to get all functoriffic on my fellow coders' behinds.
Response:
sometimes a very light touch seems sufficient.  other times i can just 
bang away and it won't register for 7-8 tries

Submission:
But of course, pigfucker.
Response:
ok you dim little freak... you asked for it.


Submission:
"look at me fire my mighty weapon all over this woman.  *grunt*"
Response:
Don't try this at home, kids. 
Definitely not at home. 
Maybe at that rundown motel just off the highway.

Submission:
I knew I shouldn't have skipped middle school on 'gay porn theater
fieldtrip day'
Response:
Got milt?

Submission:
Each is wearing a nametag: "Incompetent Henchman #1" and "Incompetent
Henchman #2".
Response:
The truly incompetent are blissfully ignorant of their lack of ability.


Submission:
You're probably in their database as a whiner.  Which is
unsurprising.  You're in my database as a whiner.
Response:
Hey, I am having my people be rude to their people.


Submission:
My brain is faster than google.

Response:
C'mon!  I could whistle the page in morse faster than you're fetching it!


Submission:
I can honestly say that I don't
want to eat monkeys.

Response:
Just don't eat the thing, and you'll be fine

Submission:
I'd be like "hello, there's enough of Jonathan Taylor Thomas for the
both of us"

Response:
but, i repeat myself

Submission:
However, it is true that I have no idea what I am talking about.
Response:
MALE REACTION: "Cool!"
FEMALE REACTION: "Why?"

Submission:
Why isn't there a jerkoff button on my keyboard?
Response:
Why beat a dead horse with a hammer when you have a perfectly good
piano?

Submission:
But a full orchestra in your pants would be better still.
Response:
It's Texas Penal Code Section 43.23(f), but it's six dildoes, not three.

Submission:
I don't think one ever wants to be cited as the definition of "easy".
Response:
And I never heard of, or ran into, a problem which could be solved by having
more porn.  But if I do, I'm ready for it.


Submission:
I'm not asking for advice. I'm wallowing in self-pity.
Response:
When a professor insists computer science is X but not Y,
have compassion for his graduate students.

Submission:
This has made me one sick and confused little puppy.
Response:
I've seen people speak with that kind of unrestrained longing before,
but the object of their affection was usually a muddy music festival
where Beck shares a stage with the Beastie Boys, or a short-run New
York play such as The Vagina Monologues.


Submission:
Think "Walt Disney on LSD."
Response:
Distressingly, there is nothing about vampires in the Koran.

Submission:
i'm ok with revenge.
Response:
you just need wheel-scythes and a letter of marque and reprisal.

Submission:
look, if you haven't got a one-sentence business model, you're already doomed

Response:
It's hard to go wrong with back-stabbing, bug-eating, and a haughty naked
gay guy.

Submission:
I am a friggin' genius. You owe me a beer.
Response:
I should just bottle my imagination and sell it.

Submission:
if you had a gold-plated lighter with a playboy bunny on it, you would
have gotten laid.
Response:
Yes, i'm cynical.  Sorry.  It's a way of lIfe.  Really.

Submission:
I wasn't actually able to read it until I'd run query-replace.
Response:
You're not 3L33T.


Submission:
none of my sex toys say "boil to clean" and several say "do not
immerse in water", so there.

Response:
Apparently I'm engulfed in evil.

Submission:
That's ok, I remembered to take my Prozac today.
Response:
Being neurotic is so fulfilling.

Submission:
We found him over in the Very Important Penis section of Club Elite.
Response:
I'm starting to suspect that they are some kind of elite sexual spy force.

Submission:
Your cock does not qualify as "chinese food".
Response:
This doesn't involve the astroglide in Jim's office, does it?

Submission:
Nowadays you have to boil people before you can sleep with them
Response:
well, if you had a choice between quietly boiling and being caught up in a
raging firestorm, boiling might not look so bad.

Submission:
Let me tell you about multi-valued logics.

Response:
you have to be much more virulent than that.

Submission:
Because I am lame.
Response:
Even the Buddha has to draw the line somewhere.

Submission:
Where do you suppose the saints are? GEagle?
Response:
I don't know.  I'm just chomskying.

Submission:
Mostly I've seen this with 12 year olds at rock concerts.

Response:
Actually, I've never seen an engorged faculty penis.

Submission:
So then none of us are getting my MIT dingdong?

Response:
Hard math up my ass.

Submission:
Cocaine can be manufactured by converting tropinone into
2-carbomethoxytropinone, reducing this to ecgonine, and then converting the
ecgonine to cocaine. This isn't as easy as it sounds.

Response:
Perhaps you can initiate a different chemical reaction that will take stink as
input and produce spoon.


Submission:
Haven't we had this argument before?  And
decided that I am right?
Response:
I'll debate it.  What are we talking about?

Submission:
Please, god, no more dwarf porn
Response:
I fear no dwarves who drink Coors.

Submission:
I don't know the exact details, but ideally it's done unpasteurized,
and some of the flavor comes from insects.
Response:
The correspondent spared us some of the details.
We will spare you all of them.

Submission:
if this is going to turn into some kind of repressed memory pedophilia thing,
I'm tuning out
Response:
Will there be beer?

Submission:
Although I would like a place to dock my drigible.

Response:
Exit at your own risk.


Submission:
I really like covers of Smiths songs way better than actual
Smiths songs.  
What does this say about me? 
What does this say about the smiths?
Can you point me towards any particular good smiths covers?


Response:
What?  You didn't have any bipolar bisexual smiths-listening
unrequited crush-object mathematicians at your disposal?

Submission:
With no evidence, I am going to guess that jch is a Katrine.

Response:
Just call me empirical-evidence man.


Submission:
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN, THIS IS THE NAUGHTIES.
Response:
brilliant.  what "world" are you in?

Submission:
I have more yarmulkes than socks!

Response:
And as the SCS receptions show, some SCS folks seem to believe that
"semi-formal" means "with socks".

Submission:
And in a burst of CG particles, he was gone.
Response:
Oh great:  Now I'm going to be
consumed in a burst of CG particle-system explosions when Andrew does
The Wrong Thing with his thermostat.

Submission:
I don't know about you, but I'd rather not see Janet Reno having sex.
Response:
It's the Entertainment Trinity.  What's violence without sex and alcohol?

Submission:
a friend has a nice psycho breakup story complete with stalking,
lipstick threats, INS calls, credit card fraud, auto theft,
potted-plant assassination, hepatitis C, and a large gun-wielding
lesbian (the main character).
Response:
It's not just a beer, it's revenge.

Submission:
lichtenstein's leading export is dental prosthetics
Response:
If this all were true, there would be a URL for it.

Submission:
I'm not sure that I want to pass a Turing test proving that I'm
indistinguishable from Corey.
Response:
so buttmonkeys are conformant at this point.

Submission:
Your neural connection to the zubermind is faulty.
Please shave your head, slather it with contact jelly and place it directly
against your monitor for improved transmission
Response:
Another technique is to put your nose on the screen and slowly pull
back.

Submission:
d00dz!!! U kANN0t n0 ab0ut MeE! i m the l33te$t! i m da MAN 0f ure 
n1GHtm4r3s!! l4y 0FF!, 0r i w1ll 0wnZ u ju$t 4 phun w1th mY l33t VBSkr1pt 
tr0j4n! b0w t0 m3!!!! 

Response:
I haven't had my coffee yet, so I don't know if that was sarcasm.

Submission:
maybe i've seen too many (or too few) nipples, or else not enough
pepperoni, to appreciate this observation.
Response:
To me, they're all the same: smell like incense, taste like battery
acid.

Submission:
I think I've got masturbating furtively down cold. How can I 
apply this energy more effectively?


Response:
Would specs for a potato cannon help?

Submission:
There are many things I don't know how to translate.
"Prince Albert" for instance

Response:
That's IT?

Submission:
There's definitely a market for you in the Japanese gay bukkake industry.
Response:
If you can read this, you're in range.


Submission:
The only thing that makes me feel better is when I remind myself that no
matter what I do, the earth is eventually gonna be consummed by red giant sun
in about 5 billion years anyway and a few quintillion years later, heat
death for the entire universe as well.

Response:
you'd need 100 milligrams of thorazine and a polo mallet.

Submission:
My goal is to produce a zucchini by the end of the semester.
Response:
I have no idea if you're intentionally lying or if you simply have
an IQ lower than the average rock, but I'd really recommend that you
quit while you're behind.


Submission:
for $100M you can  build cerebral electrodes and a happiness button.
Response:
Better living through chemistry.

Submission:
I am Ronald Wilson Reagan, King of Kings. Look on my works, ye mighty,
and despair.
Response:
The funniest, frankest family Holocaust drama of the decade!

Submission:
p.s. i am gay
Response:
If you're trying to make me slide down and disappear under the desk
you're doing a good job.

Submission:
Sygyt will freeze a squirrel and bring about a floor-belly slink in a
cat.  Kargyraa will cause a dog to seek an oblique horizon or to
counter vocalize.
Response:
That's actually quite interesting, if largely insane.

Submission:
I don't actually want a sorority girl at the moment.
Response:
Life in the trenches, white picket fences,
see what love can do, don't let it
happen to you


Submission:
Here, let me help: "Pigfucker, pigfucker, pigfucker"
Response:
whups, missed a bacon


Submission:
Dude, you are morally obligated to commit suicide to
reduce your impact on the planet.
Response:
I mean, "Hi."


Submission:
HEAD is good for relieving your worries
Response:
Hello You reproduction fanatics!


Submission:
Just ignore him, he's not a PhD

Response:
Why don't you just tattoo "I'M A LOSER" on your forehead?

Submission:
God dammit, that page crashed my Jesus
Response:
I haven't told you about any of my devastating failures.

Submission:
I'm too busy sucking anonymous cock down at the wharf to worry about politics
Response:
We are damp with gratitude.

Submission:
What the hell did I cram in my anus last night?
Response:
You should refrain from all future intellectual discussion.

Submission:
my NAME is not BUMBOT
Response:
I hate my life.

Submission:
I am not your rented training monkey
Response:
My once submissive wife began to assert her opinions and would not
listen to my prideful orders.


Submission:
i suspect "karl-shaped" is approximately equivalent to "mid-size cabbage."

Response:
I imagined Cheryl saying it, and suddenly the joke was obvious.

Submission:
we're not losing a bitter zephyrati, we're gaining a bitter zephyratrix
Response:
IT IS TIME FOR US TO MAKE SWEET SWEET LOVE

Submission:
IT IS TIME FOR US TO MAKE SWEET SWEET LOVE
Response:
I'm not sure whether to mock you or not.

Submission:
picture something so annoying that dfoygel enjoys it immensely
Response:
Well, that's what aliens do when they abduct you.

Submission:
These days, you have to boil somebody before you can sleep with them.
Response:
Actually, you could replace most of that with the word "quux" and not
lose any semantic content.

Submission:
Don't worry - The internet is a party every one is invited to.
Response:
And it is BIG, it scares people.

Submission:
Santa *is* an angry shoggoth--which is why I'm sitting on the roof
this Christmas Eve armed with a rocket launcher, an Elder Sign, and a
bottle of cheap tequila.

Response:
and Harlan Ellison as the voice of Zooty.

Submission:
If silence is golden, you will never be rich.
Response:
you may also come to enjoy chromatic aberrations

Submission:
And Satan's computer is hard to test.

Response:
Oh, go ahead and apply logic to the situation.


Submission:
Anyone who knows anything about biology knows that a monkey
and a rabbit can not breed and produce young. If however,
pocket monkey and his rabbit produced young, what would
their young look like?


Response:
You're a scientist.  Run an experiment.


Submission:
Every day, we find a new way to screw up on the web.
Response:
Congrats!  Now all you have to worry about is that "house built on top
of old cemetary" problem.

Submission:
Yes, but this is WAY better than waking up from a dream of excel
spreadsheets.

Response:
I'm so tired ...
hopefully tonight I won't dream about the aliens, the volcano, and
Danny Sleator

Submission:
but the number of characters who wear no pants is rather alarming.
Response:
I'm here to talk about one of the most serious problems facing our
nation's men today: insufficient fabric overlap in underpants
crotches.  You all know what I'm talking about.

Submission:
with occasional cow flurries
Response:
I feel inadequate.

Submission:
Hit me, slap me, make me write bad code
Response:
Um, I assume you mean "finish," rather than "write in the language of
the Kalevala."

Submission:
 Have some coffee already, people.
Response:
But you sound delightfully abnormal also!

Submission:
How do I rid myself of really bad acne?


Response:
Encase yourself completely in soft lace.


Submission:
If I lived in Pittsburgh, I imagine I could make deals with you folks like
"okay if you modify my kernel to do IP-based stack driven optimizing
systolic array video card encryption, then I'll, like, fix your flat tire."

Response:
Flunkies!  I want flunkies!

Submission:
would you class this under "funny-haha" or "funny-weird"?
Response:
It is probably the Dinkenlimit.


Submission:
Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
Response:
I'd like to come by to see it explode.

Submission:
I'd slap you, but you'd only enjoy it.
Response:
I think we have very different metabolisms.

Submission:
Is there intelligent life out there?


Response:
All it takes is one person convinced that they can and should contact
extraterrestrials.

Submission:
Development is hindered by guys with shotguns killing my shell windows. 
Response:
shit, I'm leaking on the keyboard

Submission:
An overweight, left-handed Native-American lesbian dwarf
who is a socialist & feminist ... a public school teacher by day
& prostitute by night ... who also likes to mime.
Response:
Eject!  Eject!

Submission:
andrej is gonna spank you so hard
Response:
My butt says "what the hell, try it!"

Submission:
What are the demographics of a typical "Jeopardy" viewer?
What are the demographics of a typical "Wheel of Fortune" 
viewer?
What are the demographics of a typical "Forum 2000" viewer?


Response:
Same supposedly hyperintelligent whatsits acting like petulent
6-year-olds.

Submission:
how much extra does it cost to get the mailman to set it on fire and
ring the door bell when he delivers it?
Response:
Wrap it in tinfoil if you're worried about it.

Submission:
What is life?


Response:
If you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to
form oak, your professor will flunk you.  He wants you to come up with
the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on.
Scientists are extremely snotty about this.


Submission:
Even in virtual reality, fashion counts.
Response:
It is a bad keyboard day.


Submission:
I am not edible.  Are you edible?
Response:
Her face is the cake.


Submission:
Hello?  Whose dick do I need to scrimshaw to get you to respond?

Response:
In this situation, using an imperative language would be more
functional.

Submission:
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Response:
We're dangerously close to over-sharing here.

Submission:
I am God.
Prove me wrong.


Response:
you're just a kosakian stooge

Submission:
I'm a man of the 90's... I can handle "gay".

Response:
You hardly EVER want anything else... 

Submission:
Yeah, well, you're gonna be exploring the cosmos soon too.

Response:
May as well pick up some eye of newt and bat wings while you're at it

Submission:
mad raging urge po comments re gradstudenthood QWAN qua computer science and
meta-qua one's life's happiness

Response:
To which I can only say "Aaarrghhh"

Submission:
your character set oppresses me
Response:
HEY -- You watch your mouth, Canada-Lover!  We don't go for that kind
of talk here in the U.S. of A!


Submission:
what is the best way to pleasure a president?


Response:
Beer?  Hello?


Submission:
Think of the huge dildos as stone lions.

Response:
we can't all be international playboys like you

Submission:
Bonking strippers is goal enough for any man.
Response:
Huh?  Is this some category-theory-inspired nonsense?

Submission:
the cat also has a substantially different buttock design, which may matter.
Response:
This could cause more loss of cerebrospinal fliud than
I can really afford.

Submission:
But demon locusts are shortly dispatched as a divine plague to attack
those who do not have the seal of God on their foreheads.
Response:
At least it will be an act of "educated destruction" then.

Submission:
ITYM "The laptop implanted in your `lap', known as the "lap""
Response:
god you people are annoying

Submission:
SEX


Response:
Nowadays, men can't sustain that kind of focused, frustrated
love without it festering into violence, and women still can't have it
without it degenerating into some form of literature.


Submission:
wow.  I love you all!  I love my thesis!  la la la la la la
Response:
so call me a twisted and malformed excuse for a forgotten life if you must.

Submission:
personally, five minutes on a beach is enough to convince ME i'm
inferior to anyone with any melanin whatsoever
Response:
hands up everyone who believes that

Submission:
STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENANCE


Response:
Graphics tend to corrupt.  Animated graphics corrupt absolutely.


Submission:
if i were you, i'd graduate first.
Response:

Look, the world doesn't stand still while you waste your
time on masturbatory trips of self-discovery.


Submission:
I'm curious about the patterns of bullshit by which people pull the wool
over their eyes.
Response:
Why do it probabilisticaly, when I have provided you with the superior
European solution?


Submission:
It is my belief that everything good in life must be firmly packed.
Response:
Indentations always, or is it ok if they only appear upon clenching?


Submission:
If it's not love, what's going on? How does an electron 
form a bond? How does it react? How does it HOOOOOOLD on? 
How does an electron form a bond?


Response:
Bad metaphor, no biscuit.


Submission:
Oh please, it should be "Westdirectionbindairplaneflightthroughair."
Response:
How many times can a person say "What the fuck is he talking about?" and yet
continue to listen to that person.  That's what I'm trying to find out.


Submission:
oh momma, nobody I know is cuter than Jar Jar Binks.

Response:
We have a word, which translates in English as `ass-face' --
is that close?

Submission:
congratulations on becoming, uh, a plaunt
Response:
am I about to be unhappy?

Submission:
She could do a tarot reading using cocktail napkins.

Response:
Oooooh!  How deliciously tempting.


Submission:
We're chock FULL of gyros.
Response:
Oh, I've got knobs too.   And remotes that turn little motors to turn
the knobs.  And uber-remotes that handle all the other remotes.  And macros. 

Submission:
Although Fithian, 77, remains a devoted Kegeler, she hadn't heard of
the Feminine Personal Trainer, which is a one-pound stainless steel
weight that comes with a video and a Discreet Hard Shell Carrying
Case.

Response:
Oh, I think it's clear that Bond is a renegade Time Lord.

Submission:
What you're saying is that you want someone to reach out to your inner
slut.
Response:
All I wanted was a crash dump, and she wouldn't give it to
me. 

Submission:
You can't go listening to every fucking little voice that pops into
your head.
Response:
KILL THEM ALL AND LET THE DEMONS SORT THEM OUT

Submission:
To keep this service alive, I need your bones.
Response:
the main difference is that the former is useful and the latter
is not.

Submission:
She was a human being before being a Pitt student.
Response:
I, too, am fairly quivering in malleable firstyearness.

Submission:
my laptop is burning my nads off
Response:
future design enhancements may address this issue by the addition of 
artificial giblets.

Submission:
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 

Did I mention that I hate you?


Response:
That would be redundant and repeat things.

Submission:
I imagined Cheryl saying it, and suddenly the joke was obvious.
Response:
How silly.  Friday evenings should be devoted to sexual activity.

Submission:
I think that when i have sex with pigs it hurts them should 
i be worried about this?


Response:
before the web, people bought their porn by mailorder

Submission:
I think that's what we in the computer industry call a "bug"
Response:
997 Illegal possession of a controlled unary operator.


Submission:
i dunno. this newfangled world of "clients" and "servers" confuses and 
frightens me. back in the old days, we'd write all our work out long
hand on paper with number two pencils, code it up on punch cards, and
throw it in the trash bin on the way to the bar, since it was all
wrong anyway.
Response:
He used to program video games, not in assembly language but in HEX CODE.

Submission:
My problem is that I am 100% right, and you're a moron.

Response:
My body is just a shell.  Wacka wacka zing zong.


Submission:
I will proceed to drive you insane by turning on and off your lights at
random intervals.
Response:
I only need the number 1. I then apply Peano's and other axioms
repeatedly to get PowerPoint.

Submission:
You are accused of crimes against the brand and of cursing in 
the presence of women and children!

Response:
they're going to need to develop better drugs for when these kids grow
up.


Submission:
Come on, folks.  It's all a show.  And you know the part where that fly
always walks across the face of the bone-thin starving child on every one of
those "We want your money now" commercials?  It's the same fly every time!
Response:
WAR IS PEACE.  BACKSPACE IS DELETE.  OPENGL IS DIRECT3D.

Submission:
"Congratulations, evil rationalizing scum" doesn't count as "supportive"
Response:
Don't knock rationalization, it's better than sex.

Submission:
absolute creamiest fly girls
Response:
I assume the explanation is in the "you really don't want to know" category?


Submission:
why... ugh... life... too much...

Response:
Guess that'll teach you to play chess while
stoned off your ass


Submission:
I need to be sweetly romanced before I can give in
to your sick, freakish desires!
Response:
dang, just when I'd sent the sheep out for dry-cleaning

Submission:
Ha!  Like I can be the unmoveable post to Pete's unstoppable oink.
Response:
Yes, but we're dildoheads with serious firepower.

Submission:
Just pay the bail already, Mom.
Response:
oops, forgot to swear.  'fuck.'

Submission:
Hell is a continuum.
Response:
RUN SCREAMING

Submission:
people are always confusing transvestites and homosexuals
Response:
it felt too "undergrad", too "heterosexual"


Submission:
Were I a Zen master and you a novice monk, this would be the point at
which you'd ask a simple question, I'd shout "foo!"  and do something
utterly incomprehensible, and you'd be enlightened.
Response:
Do not taunt happy fun cube.

Submission:
Trailblazing chef Shen Qing has cooked up China's first patented dish
fit for franchising: baked pig's head.

Response:
Breakthrough technology, phooey.  Someone's patented a baseball cap
that looks like a fried egg.


Submission:
Drowned in a sea of low fat pudding.
Response:
Whenever I have an unpleasant thought, I just drown it
in a sea of beer and infantile behavior


Submission:
Have you ever been laid by a borg?


Response:
We are Cube.  Context is irrelevant.
Seriousness is futile.  You will be slurped.


Submission:

Ninja Jesus removes his crown of thorns, and flings it like a throwing star
into the Centurion's forehead, blinding him.
Response:
None dare call it conspiracy!

Submission:
I could bottle the look on his face and sell it as a deadly weapon.
Response:
(i had that "lightweight, slightly insipid" look that speakers crave.)

Submission:
We're screwed if there's an earthquake, but hey...
Response:
Wow, he really is drunk

Submission:
I only remember putting it somewhere "memorable"
Response:
Avoid vigorous efforts to remove by mechanical means.

Submission:
all the smart bees are ticked that they have to dance the same lame
bee dance.  why not interpretive ballet? they cry.
Response:
Sorry, I can't be bothered right now.
I'm wearing my nothing-matters pants.

Submission:
My advice is to torch the kitty.  Now.
Response:
ACT NOW!  Be the first on your block to own a smelynsk-50
nuclear tactical demolition munition!

Submission:
Tonight's the night; I ovulate today.
Response:
yay, necrophilia!

Submission:
To all of the panalists -
what is the cube and why does it come to haunt me in the 
night wearing nothing but women's lingerie? (specifically a 
black velvet bikini bottom)


Response:
That was tasty, but not very filling.  Can I have another?

Submission:
Mets!
Orioles!
Porn!
Response:
i'm in favor of punting the penis.


Submission:
You're as alien as you can be.
Response:
It would help if the squirrel was afraid of me, or acknowledged my
existence.

Submission:
So vague and tepid as to be almost Clintonian.
Response:
I trust him about as far as I can kick him.
     And I'd like to trust him more.


Submission:
GOD DAMN IT, THE CUBE, WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS ANSWER 
FIRST?!?! SOMETHING IS WRONG!!


Response:
I know what is best for everyone.

Submission:
Foreign people and their freakish "cultures" are so irritating.
Response:
Compared to the percentage of people on the national survey the
Nice-O-Meter has found that you rank among the least nice participants
of the survey. Lighten up! (Hold a door for someone today!)


Submission:
okay, you can stop laughing now.  no, really.  and stop
throwing stuff, too.
Response:
We just sit here with our Yuenglings and enjoy the sound.


Submission:
R2-D2 is the mute false god Baal who children are told is "cool". Is
it so cool when God strikes you down where you stand? I don't think
so!

Response:
Mindless violence is always popular for Christmas.


Submission:
I have been told that programming does not count as a hobby
when you are a computer science graduate student.  
Response:

I was thinking that perhaps my time would be better spent watching Xena.

Submission:
Caribou? Gay! Red-necked Wallaby? Gay!  Golden Plover? GAY GAY GAY!" But of
course it's not that simple.

Response:
TOUCH WOODY -- THE INTERNET PECKER!

Submission:
This is a box of pure evil.
Response:
Halt. Who goes there?


Submission:
On Planet George, we're all abortions
Response:
The cause is basically spectacular incompetence.

Submission:
Left buttock: present.
Right buttock: present.
So what's the problem?
Response:
this guy needs an ATOMIC wedgie

Submission:
No, it's just that I discovered that those so-called "negatives" were
actually strips of beef-jerky you'd planed to transparency with a
lathe.

Response:
Even all the greys are different!

Submission:
Who is persona #AZ54?


Response:
you have no idea how long it took to lex that as something other than a tax form.

Submission:
i'm sure i would've graduated by now if not for this misstep.
Response:
The CMU men's showers sound like a real happening place

Submission:
will I be torn limb from limb?
in a good way?
Response:
 Did you hear a snap?


Submission:
which is why i'm on zephyr now instead of plowing some racist sow, i guess.

Response:
There are 46 million adults in this country and they're having
interesting sex. 

Submission:
Too bad I'm not partial to young preening male Asianflesh.
Response:
speak for yourself, nerve-deprived-boy

Submission:
How can I get head without having to bullshit to some
beautiful young maiden? Is there any way short of spiking
drinks to get them to Love The Cock?


Response:
a 12" penis would be impressive, but impractical

Submission:
Sigmund Freud, last night I had a dream in which an alien 
scientist impersonated my girlfriend and tried to seduce me, 
in an attempt to gain a greater understanding of humans.  
What does this mean?


Response:
Men are from Rigel, Women are from Alpha Centauri.

Submission:
There's this guy I know, we'll call him Tim to keep his 
identity anonymous for now. Anyway, I think he's homosexual 
but I'm not completely sure yet. below is an example of his 
usual language.

"Man, I was at the pool the other day when I saw 
this hot guy dive in the pool with speedos that exposed his 
unit. As he penetrated the water his speedos slipped off and 
his cock slipped into my mouth. Then I was wrestling with 
him when I tore off all of his clothes and stuck my cock in 
his ass. Suddenly I realized I was fucking him."

What do you think, doctor?


Response:
He does fit the profile perfectly. He's intelligent, but an
under-achiever; alienated from his parents; has few friends. Classic
case for recruitment by the Soviets.

Submission:
Why is driller such a nazi?  Who stuck the stick up his ass?


Response:
Do you want the real answer or do you just want to be told to screw off?


Submission:
Would you please explain why psychotic people like myself 
are attracted to Forum 2000 and want to ask banal questions 
like this one?


Response:
At this point resist urge to pass the inhaler to someone next to you 
and mutter "'ere".


Submission:
I am the world's best ass kicker. Who am I?


Response:
Ok, so you're a freak.  Let's get back to the masses.

Submission:
My girlfriend of a year has cheated on me.  What should I 
do??


Response:
We've previously established that the boyfriends aren't exactly film stars

Submission:
WOMAN, IT IS TIME TO PERFORM YOUR WIFELY DUTIES

Response:
I thought I'd tried that before, but y'all have DENIED my butt.


Submission:
in Unix you can automate the horror.
Response:
I'm sure that if I were smarter I'd understand what you just said


Submission:
Larry Wegner is a color consultant who credits teal with
establishing his industry credibility.

Response:
I should just bottle my imagination and sell it.

Submission:
Hot damn, we're in the future.
Response:
what happened?


Submission:
Damn that pork-fancying demographic blip!
Response:
I think the CSPI might have something to say about deep-fried kittens.


Submission:
When in the course of human events it become self evident 
for two droids to get it on, will they make baby droids?


Response:
Our mating ritual has come to an end.  You will now take me to your
domicile and pleasure me as only a man could.  You may use your man-flesh,
a turkey baster, or similar toys.

Submission:
I'm academic. I have references. See?

Response:
Tell us one that doesn't suck

Submission:
How long, Cataline, will you continue to abuse our parents?

Response:
You're also trampling on my sacred apostrophes.


Submission:
What is the cause of the HIV Virus and what will cure it?


Response:
I've got an ACE bandage. Can someone supply the babe?

Submission:
Why is voluntary euthanasia condoned by the catholic church?


Response:
don't you ever worry about your immortal soul?

Submission:
Just think of it: cockroaches. Miracle Whip. Nuclear Holocaust.
Response:
it takes 438 billion smoke detectors to get enough americium-241
to form the core for a fission weapon.

Submission:
What does a woman look for in a man?


Response:
I'd be so smart if we had man pages!

Submission:
Seems that they're running out of prime numbers.
Response:
Too bad, I was halfway through pulling an explanation out of my butt.

Submission:
{erja[s. nit fiasmly msfd the first.
Response:
You too can become ambimoustrous if you try.

Submission:
Unable to handle kernel paging request at virtual address 
f803gf83


Response:
Occasionally it will crash during boot.

Submission:
the cube, you suck, you answer when your not asked, and 
your answers are stupid. you have a severe superiority 
complex, just because you have been around longer doesnt 
make you better, godel is much much better than you.
your a moron, why do you never shut up?


Response:
so call me a twisted and malformed excuse for a forgotten life if you must.

Submission:
There is still some obsession with psychics and Elvis which I cannot defend.
Response:
We bring joy and cheer. People fear us.

Submission:
i feel that no one likes me. i yearn for the touch of a 
sexually confident woman, to dominate and whip me. Maybe 
even gun me down. I want to join the holy order of whips 
and chains and maybe learn from Marquis de Sade. What 
should I do?


Response:
I refuse to be a part of your sexual awakening


Submission:
There will be valet parking to fuck up your life
Response:
Had I followed the system's advice, I might have circled endlessly in
front of the hotel.


Submission:
audience memebers stare aghast as each coughing fit results in the
person's head exploding in a fountain of blood on the red carpets

Response:
once again, Kibo is neglecting to take his medication.

Submission:
My parents had five children... I think they used Spam for birth
control.

Response:
fine, but i liked my way better.

Submission:
It's clear that I don't understand what I'm doing.
Response:
I am afraid I might be committing an academic crime.

Submission:
Isn't the CUBE annoying?  I mean, he's always one of the
featured panelists.  Why is that?  I think the cube should
just bud his nose out of everyone's business.  Let's face
it, no one can relate to the cube.  Nobody I know looks like
a cube.  I don't think the cube is a very good artificial
intelligence.  What do the other AI's think?


Response:
I am... I am... I can't remember.


Submission:
Enjoy life.  Lower your expectations
Response:
This must be what they mean by "decadence"

Submission:
The Right Ingredients are Right Inside!
Response:
I find all that incredibly exciting.

Submission:
given the data, and recent evidence of such events, are you 
really an idiot?


Response:
Okay, I apologize profusely for being an idiot.

Submission:
Men are stupid, and they smell funny.


Response:
You might think that, but you'd be wrong

Submission:
You are asking for a slapping.
Response:
WRONG

Submission:
Bad neuron, no biscuit.

Response:
But I can type "graffiti" really quickly now.

Submission:
So do you know how to play Starcraft? You didn't answer my 
question.


Response:
As a mathematician, I must answer "yes".
As a CS mathematician, I must answer "turn off the machine".

Submission:
Do you know how to play Starcraft? If so, let's challenge!


Response:
(notice a previously high-minded moral discussion degenerate)

Submission:
Are you gay?


Response:
Sit! Lie down! Don't be gay!


Submission:
Oh glorious forum, thou art grand in thy ignorance.  But 
seriously, I got better answers from "Chat With Lisa" than I 
get here.  How can you explain an ancient program that would 
fit on 5 1/4 floppy outperforming a seeming vast network, 
such as yourself?


Response:
Disclaimer:  Bite me.

Submission:
Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.
Response:
Evita this!

Submission:
Faces of infinite bovine satisfaction.

Response:
True.  Still, there is the bile factor.

Submission:
Never use the apostrophe.  You'll be right much more often than you're
wrong.
Response:
I don't believe it has any particular significance, despite
the fact that it's bandied about all the time by people who assume
they are talking to people who have no idea what they are talking about.


Submission:

i would like to dress someone as "NT" and then BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA THEM.
Response:
to prevent this, technology should be cool, yet hard to use.

Submission:
Laugh while you can, meat sacks.  This is obviously the
first shot fired in the ROBOT HOLOCAUST.
Response:
they are like humans in that they won't pop.

Submission:
Will the dude standing next to me get laid tonight.


Response:
Hah hah hah!  Maybe?


Submission:
Why do girls cause so many problems?


Response:
You can't cause an accident.
You can only cause an "on purpose".


Submission:
I'm having problems coming to terms with the fact that my 
daughter has declared herself a lesbian.  However, she is 
only fourteen years old, so she could be going through a 
temporary state of sexual confusion, or even sexual 
rebellion.  How should I interpret this, and what should I 
do about it?


Response:
Too young to be respected;
Too old to not be taken seriously; INVINCIBLE!


Submission:
A! Silabrimben falingiriel!
(that's High Elvish for "Hey!  RAW OYSTERS")

Response:
That would be redundant and repeat things.

Submission:

However, keep in mind that OpenStep is a set of elegant, object-oriented
APIs which effectively encapsulate the underlying operating system, while
Linux is a plot from the devil to trick people into using a X-Windows, C++
and UNIX. 

Response:
Too much context, not bizarre enough


Submission:
k';fjsalkj;lsdkjfasdlkfjsdlfkjsdlfkj;lskjfas;ldkjfsd;lkfjsd;
lfksjf;lsdkjf;sdlfkjas;flkjsf;lsdjf;sdlkfjasd;lfkdjf;alweija
weilfjwe;ofiwejf
[wepoifqjpweofijwqi;ewojewoijweoqijwefoewiqjfq;weoifje;wofij
qwefoqiwejfoweifjq;weoifjqwe;ofijqwe;foweijf;weoifjwe;ofiwje
f;qoewijfw;eofijqwe;ofiwejf;oewijf;oeiwjqfoeijf;qoweifjweoif
jwe;ofijwe;foqwiejf;qoweijfwe;qofijqwe;ofijqweof;weijf;oweij
f;weoifjw;eoifjw;eofijwe;ofijwefoqweijfqweoifjqwe;ofijwe;foq
weijf;qwoeijfq;weofije;owijqf;weofijwqe;ofijweq;ofjiwef;owei
jfe;qwoifjew f;oiewjf we;oif ew;ofijwe 
f;oewifj;ewoifjq;weoifjwe;oifjew;ofjew;ofjweq;ofewijf;oweijf
e;woifjew;ofijew;iofjewf;oweijf 
we;oifjwe;oifjwe;ofijwe;foiweqjf;qoweijfwe;qofi weq;of 
ewfjo;ew fiwejf ;weoqifj we;qofijwe ;fowqei jf;qweo 
ifj;weoqifjweq;ofiejw;foewijf;weoqijfew


Response:
I'm glad one of us is thinking before typing.  

Submission:
test


Response:
Ouch! Don't do that.


Submission:
I think it is NOT intuitively obvious that a coke machine can kill
Response:
You're kidding ... I hope.
Or I'm never kissing.

Submission:
give me the uzi now and I'll tell you
Response:
You're just bitter because we didn't write raytracers in pure lambda
calculus.

Submission:
But I am a highly trained professional!
Response:
Perhaps you've read my seminal paper on the topic,
"Geometric Factors for Thermal Radiation Exchange Between Cows and
Their Surroundings."

Submission:
Tell me, o wise and generous Forum.  What is the best way to
pass a final exam?


Response:
Tequila and Seconal.  Why do you ask?

Submission:
So it's at least a little bit portable.


Response:
Besides, I nearly killed myself trying.

Submission:
BTFPWIMMA! INNA. IHGOMS? No, IKYA.

Response:
I can only understand "You want spicy?". Then I nod vigorously.

Submission:
If your little mind can't encompass my paradigm, screw you.
Response:
Here, hold this portable ontology for a second.


Submission:
Brian Josephson got a Nobel Prize for work he did at age 22.  I wonder what I
was doing at age 22 that will eventually earn me the Nobel Prize
Response:
You never stop being a grad student.  I'm still picking up the pieces.

Submission:
Yargh!  We're discussing my psyche again!

Response:
There will only be one.


Submission:
Punctuation is power, dear. Use it wisely, and for the good of humankind.
Response:
Sorry; I'm being too cunning to be understood again.

Submission:
GET A ROOM, YOU TWO
Response:
warning: the following material may not be suitable for small
children, some adults, a few senior citizens, many farm animals, and
most household appliances.

Submission:
let's send one of you to Alpha Centauri and see if he duplicates the
other's wrigglings
Response:
what planet did yinz grow up on?

Submission:
Two demons specifically assigned to cause malfunctions in electronic
equipment are BOYCE and BOICE.  Bind them up in the name of Jesus, and
tell them to leave your equipment.
Response:
Or you could test in isolation until the sun burns out.

Submission:

Well, ravioli isn't a gas, but under enough pressure, ravioli behaves as a
gas. 

Response:
that was kosak's stomach.  do not be alarmed. 

Submission:
that explains the bizarre hankerings for apfelstrudel
Response:

You've obviously never seen the Great Pumpkin.

Submission:
I like being tickled too.

Response:
I refuse to be a part of your sexual awakening


Submission:
Dammit, JC, it's almost impossible to walk with these baby mutants crawling
around in my ass!

Response:
We're all girls for the purposes of that phrase.


Submission:
Jupiter really fucking pisses me off!  It doesn't even have a surface!
Fucking gaseous spineless jovian mega planet!  And what's with that
big red spot?
Response:
You're just testosterone-poisoned, so you're always mad at something.
That's why you get things done.

Submission:
you can exist quite well in a relatively small space eating monkey chow, 
with water to drink.
Response:
That's OK.  I hate it.

Submission:
hey, i've never in my life used any of
  $+ $, $\ $" $# $% $= $- $~ $^ $: $^L $^A $^E $( $) $[ $^F $^I $^O $^P $^X
Response:
Sales have skyrocketed ever since they added those fifteen
gratuitous switches to the front panel.

Submission:
hey, i've never in my life used any of
  $+ $, $\ $" $# $% $= $- $~ $^ $: $^L $^A $^E $( $) $[ $^F $^I $^O $^P $^X
Response:
you are in grave, grave danger

Submission:
Bottom line: users suck.

Response:
if only there were training courses.


Submission:
Visit our Rat Urine page for more information.

Response:
STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT YOUR HEAD TO EXPLODE.

Submission:
One of the problems with America today, in my opinion, is that we do
not consider race and sex the same.
Response:
The recent discussions of your primitive mating rituals have also been fascinating.

Submission:
If sex was largely overlooked it was possibly because the writers in
question knew little about the subject.
Response:
These people are like human chain letters.

Submission:
it felt too "undergrad", too "heterosexual"

Response:
If I wanted SEI Level 5 I'd go work for NASA.

Submission:
I'm definitely enjoying this
Response:
It's so hard to keep my fantasies under control

Submission:
The barf motif seems too good to let go of ...
Response:
Oh look, a definition of SF.

Submission:
I fear the evil funky thing.

Response:
I recommend dying your hair violet to see if that helps.

Submission:
Me and my friend Kelly were out looking for road kill that we
could pull lice off of for our insect collections.
Response:
My reputation as a raving lunatic is now secure.

Submission:
Welcome to this week's production of "It's a joke, yet it's
not funny."
Response:
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now, only much much better.



Submission:
I told Dave "Why don't you put the gun down and step away
from the edge," but did he listen to me?  

Response:
Remember, kids, always use your uzis responsibly.

Submission:
Sometimes you just have to cut through stuff.
Response:
Whoa.  Cool.  New cocktail-party factoid.

Submission:
This "oracle" policy seems unreasonably optimistic.

Response:
That is, if one is a human being. Directions for other entities are
naturally different.

Submission:
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Response:
Study truth.  Study beauty.  But don't read Kant.


Submission:
that is too subtle for my puny brain
Response:
note, i'm not smart anymore. it all wore off.


Submission:
for sale: immovable object.  will deliver.
Response:
Somewhere, out there, there is an anvil with your name on it.

Submission:
I give up. I can't stand it anymore. I'm going to kill myself by
dividing by zero. Good bye, cruel world.

Response:
The correspondent spared us some of the details.
We will spare you all of them.

Submission:
Ouch! Your tongue is stuck to my cervix!
Response:
This is what I get for writing code sober.


Submission:
Swallow a pound of plastique. Go somewhere crowded and shoot yourself
in the gut.
Response:
my, that's a lot of bean bags.

Submission:
Yeah, right like I'm going to make my penile implants accessible to
random hackers on the Net.
Response:
Ok, who touched Daddy's Soul Donut?


Submission:
Do not increase volume past threshold of pain.
Response:
It's not completely useless. It's something worse.


Submission:
I don't care how much you people lie to me.

Response:
I said TURN OFF YOUR LOGICAL LITTLE BRAIN

Submission:
And by turning things inside out you somehow wind up with the number 6?
Response:
but that's really outlierish

Submission:
Sir, he was a regular little dumpling of love.

Response:
Whatever lingering sexual attraction still exists is trumped
by feelings of loss, melancholy and homicidal rage.


Submission:
Define "easier", you FREAK.
Response:
That's just the implant talking

Submission:
THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END, PLEASE GET OFF NOW
Response:
My reputation as a raving lunatic is now secure.

Submission:
THINK COURTESY

The person you are searching is a human being and must be treated as such.

Response:
Just as long as that doesn't keep us from making fun of people.

Submission:
It is time to hang your pants on the line of darkness
Response:
You are SUCH a meme puppet

Submission:
Feelin' good and frisky
Response:
My mailbox got lucky a while ago.


Submission:
I do any request except "Stop Singing." Oh, and "Get Stuffed," I don't
do that one, either.
Response:
Well, I hope you have a good time at whatever it is that you do.

Submission:
"When in doubt, strap on the jackboots."

Response:
Are you a communist?  Or worse, an AI researcher.


Submission:
I'm assuming that you're a human with an organic brain.
Response:
I didn't concede it.  I just didn't argue it.


Submission:
Is a Usenet thread about Hitler and the Nazis stillborn?
Response:
"If we're lucky, it'll be in greek", Dad said.

Submission:
I mean, think how you'd feel if a journal rejected a paper you wrote
and you saw they were accepting articles by rats.
Response:
One day you'll be grateful to me for taking the time each day to teach
you to withstand relentless and wanton cruelty.

Submission:
Free your mind and your pants will follow.
Response:
Think voluptuous and colorful.


Submission:
you're elitist AND not sufficiently meta
Response:
pigfucker pigfucker pigfucker

Submission:
If you're trying to make me slide down and disappear under the desk
you're doing a good job.
Response:
This feels like love, but God knows I've been fooled before.
How many drinks have I had, anyway?

Submission:
It's gotten all metaphorical.  I'll give you a summary: I'm right.

Response:
i have now told you more than i know


Submission:
Truth is the first casualty.
Response:
unix freaks get what they deserve.

Submission:
How fast does your garage go before the wind?
Response:
Wrap it in tinfoil if you're worried about it.

Submission:
Do not use these releases for any other purpose for which a responsible
human would use a computer.
Response:
Perhaps Mary wasn't born divine. Perhaps she was upgraded.

Submission:
magically broken, magically fixed
Response:
frightening, isn't it?  makes me think we're in a nation of morons.

Submission:
I've looked at 100s of brains, and my brain is gorgeous.  
Response:
enhance your intuition -- sever your corpus callosum.

Submission:
Is it just me, or is this highway robbery without the stylish mask and
gun?
Response:
Ok, buddy, off the camel, hands on the hump and SPREAD 'EM ...


Submission:
unnnnnn
<hunkers down into foetal ball>
Response:
Guess that'll teach you to play chess while
stoned off your ass


Submission:
Much-Repudiated Napalm Finds Wary Acceptance
Response:
You're kidding ... I hope.
Or I'm never kissing.

Submission:
No wonder we rule the world.
Response:
We used to hate people.
Now we just make fun of them.
It's more effective anyway


Submission:
We also gathered data which may provide clues as to what
cole-slaw sides and sporks looked like in those days.

Response:
This free clue has been brought to you by the BOFHnet Cabal.

Submission:
Despite being debunked by channel 11, it's not true.

Response:
And we still haven't gotten to "procedure expose" or 
steamed variables yet.

Submission:
Dear NSA: Beer and wheaties.
Response:
My hovercraft is full of eels.


Submission:
Don't make me have to hurt you.
Response:
Replace lisp with ML or I will release my well-typed polymorphic dogs.

Submission:
i find when transporting bodies in my trunk, it's easier if you weigh
down the tarp evenly at all corners so it doesn't shift around when
you take corners. i've got a big trunk, though, so even something like
a dead biker is pretty easy to shift around so the weight's even.
Response:
We just made a pact with the devil. We don't care.


Submission:
Surfing the bleeding edge is one thing. Impaling myself on it is quite
another.
Response:
a "sensible" C++ compiler would hand you a
nickle and tell you to get a real language.


Submission:
Damn I'm good
Response:
I sense a security leak.

Submission:
I was so proud of it. There are probably more
speakers of Slovene than ML
Response:
Forget the types, believe the code.


Submission:
What can I say but that the laws of physics are strung up by the
thumbs and violated in the worst way.
Response:
could be worse. at least you don't have to pee in a cup to cash a check yet.

Submission:
one head to pat, one butt to kick
Response:
Is this a Zen koan?

Submission:
I lose my consistency. I get all starchy and gelatinous.
Response:
Licking the author is left as an
exercise to the reader.

Submission:
PACK YOUR BAGS, BABY, YOU'RE GOING TO THE BIG HOUSE
Response:
The policeman is not there to prevent disorder.  The policeman is
there to preserve disorder.


Submission:
I've been benchmarking an insanely fast interconnect today.

Response:
Inside you there is a systems guy just wanting out.

Submission:
Not even worth watching if you are stoned.
Response:
Some of us find things that suck to be rather pleasant.
And, of course, many of us suck, and some of us are even proud of
how well we suck.

Submission:
% howami
fatigue toxins: medium
hydration:      42%
fat reserves:   3 weeks         (sedentary typing w/o unnecessary eye-blinking)
you are hungry.
you are confused.
you have new mail.
Response:
I have an alpha that crashes all day, if that helps.

Submission:
There you go, abusing "only"

Response:
sprite is the worst offender in that category

Submission:
perl5 -e 'print "year   taxable account   IRA (after tax)\n";  $ira_bal = 0; $taxable_bal = 0; $taxrate = 0.28; $pretax_annual_contrib = 500; $ira_annual_fee = 25; $return = 0.08; for $y (1..20) { $ira_bal *= 1+$return; $taxable_bal *= 1+($return * (1-$taxrate)); $ira_bal += $pretax_annual_contrib - $ira_annual_fee; $taxable_bal += $pretax_annual_contrib * (1-$taxrate); printf("%2d  %12.0f %16.0f\n",$y, $taxable_bal, $ira_bal * (1-$taxrate)); }'


Response:
"Now I will kill you".

That's French, for "Now I will kill you".

Submission:
In my rational moments, I realize that this would be unlikely to
increase my happiness.
Response:
Your Objectivist License is REVOKED.

Submission:
I'm sure there's a perfectly logical rationalization of that.
Response:
I hope I can acclimate myself to your bizarre shadow world.


Submission:
Now that I am able to visualize five dimensional space in my head,
I've noticed that I get a lot of weird looks from priests and small
children.
Response:
I was attempting to leave that implicit as part of my subtle wit.

Submission:
This strange byproduct of your depraved capitalist society interests me
Response:
It's actually rather hideous...

Submission:
but I want INSTANT GRATIFICATION

Response:
Oh, Mach would let you do that.

Submission:
are you ready in there, feature attraction?
Response:
If you don't like the feature, just upgrade to a better user.

Submission:
I figure my charm and good looks drained all resistance.
Response:
That's not gonna help you when I'm using both barrels, baby


Submission:
Behold the power of plastic.
Response:
Wrap it in tinfoil if you're worried about it.

Submission:
Don't forget those overpriced artery closing cheese steaks.
Response:
We were unaware that there was that option for you, so we were relying
on other methods, which didn't work.

Submission:
case sensitivity is like nuclear weapons. It may be OK to have, but it
should never be used.
Response:
I am afraid Pittsburgh is a lot like Ljubljana in that respect.


Submission:
For one thing, Chess isn't very funny. For another, you never get to
shoot anyone. 
Response:
Where *did* Prof. Vrsalovic get that Kalashnikov AK-47?


Submission:
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-homonids.

Response:
what? BAYWATCH is hiring??!!??

Submission:
That's not love. That's Chris's keys.

Response:
Goals confused, passions raging, blunders abound.


Submission:
Art can be made out of anything, including cheese doodles.
Response:
Portable nuclear reactors would solve this problem.

Submission:
such a one-track mind. sets, sets, sets, all time nothing but sets!
Response:
That's worse than the blonde jokes..

Submission:
If it would take your mind off the pain in your mouth,
I'll come over and slap you silly for only $18.95
Response:
My pager administers a shock to my genitals whenever I'm
about to leave my calling area.

Submission:
Woohoo?
Response:
Presumably this will, in some fashion, involve porn

Submission:
I'm not going to be amused if this lawsuit ultimately results in my
having to wear a bikini top when I go to the beach
Response:
We theory people do not need the silly protection mechanisms.

Submission:
You can also browse my list of projects or even take a QuickTime VR
tour of my bedroom.
Response:
Oh please.  Admit your predilection for porn like a man.

Submission:
Despite any rumors to the contrary, the Smurfs are not midgets wearing woad.
Response:
You can't go wrong with beige.

Submission:
these are all engineering questions.  I didn't say it would be easy.
That's why I'm a visionary
Response:
Sometimes I think it'd be comforting to be able to
turn off my head and live in their cute little black and white world.  

Submission:
I'm using you as an excuse to purchase the Malleus Maleficarum.
Response:
A New Rule: Once you are on the Cross of Jesus, God forgives you of your sins!!!


Submission:
I guess cambridge isn't maui.
Response:
"I've never yet mistaken a book for a beer."

Submission:
I suppose we should call it C--
Response:
finally you are starting to think.

Submission:
"Those are my pants. Please remove them."

Response:
I will see you blackholed off the Internet and in bankruptcy first.

Submission:
I'm sure there's some well-known gross hack for accomplishing this.

Response:
I only need the number 1. I then apply Peano's and other axioms
repeatedly to get PowerPoint.

Submission:
As if hiding event loops were tantamount to math or something.
Response:
nasty squashy things.

Submission:
Is it not the beauty of an asynchronous form of discourse that one can go
and make cups of tea, floss the cat, fluff the geraniums, open the kitchen
window and scream out it with operatic force, volume, and decorum, and
then return to the vexed glowing letters calmer of mind and soul?
Response:
I was going to come up with a good metaphor but I think I'll save my breath.

Submission:
don't you ever worry about your immortal soul?
Response:
I sense kosak's feverish hands at work


Submission:
It's the last gasp of a self-centered, dysfunctional, arrested
generation choking on the banal, irony-soaked detritus of its own
popular culture.
Response:
ooh!  can i watch?

Submission:
I already ignored myself this morning anyway.
Response:
I do have a rather flakey memory, which really hurts my credibility
during those times when it turns out I'm right.

Submission:
I stared at them uncomprehendingly, unconsciously, with I suppose some small
amount of contempt.
Response:
Hey, they're not *my* genitalia.  I'm just an interested spectator

Submission:
Fission happens when Jesus can't hold on any more.
Response:
let's just say that this guy's a few horsemen short of an apocalypse.

Submission:
The problem is that most ideas are bad.
Response:
these are so new and strange.  I wonder if they will burn through my naive
mind like syphilis through sixteen-century Europeans.

Submission:
The history of human cuisine fails the plausibility test
many, many times.
Response:
They don't need drugs, they're .fr


Submission:
Also, how do I turn off the "runs butt-slow" option?

Response:
Just repeat to yourself: "Bluescreen technology keeps improving."

Submission:
So you can go there and sexually abuse young boys?

Response:
We have normality: I repeat, we have normality.


Submission:
Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Response:
I'll bet you say that to all the girls.

Submission:
Ooga.

Response:
I'm a natural language processor's worst nightmare.

Submission:
He eschewed wine, women, and song, preferring
beer, sluts, and heavy metal.
Response:
Is he a super-spreader, and if he is, what makes him so?  There is some issue
with respect to infectivity, but we don't know what it is.


Submission:
I don't talk about rolling my tongue in polite company.

Response:
Some of us find things that suck to be rather pleasant.
And, of course, many of us suck, and some of us are even proud of
how well we suck.

Submission:
I married a sheep, so this doesn't apply.
Response:
I'm thinking of getting a pet cheese.  I already have the cheese food.

Submission:
One of these (points at palette of many obscure icons) will do what you want.

Response:
However, most are not terribly musical, and typically 
merely rumble or rustle, or sweak unpleasantly when stepped upon.


Submission:
This is not a traditional jig or reel but a Balkan virus in 13/8 time.
Response:
It goes like this: unhappy, get laid, unhappy, discover martians,
happy, unhappy, happy, unhappy, happy.

Submission:
So if you're jumped on by an octopus keep very still.
Response:
My folks went to R'lyeh and all I got was this cephalopod

Submission:
My default habit is to find 35 cents and press the Surge button.
Response:
You want hordes of drunk geeks fondling each other?

Submission:
Don't think I won't kill you all.

Response:
and now we're running out of orifices...

Submission:
Most people think I need intervention, actually.
Response:
I'll be fine just as long as I don't ever have to edit or understand
my Regular Expression of Death ever again

Submission:
I'll try not to think of kosak's scrotum as I numb my throat.
Response:
And the weird thing is, they're not even still doing
stuff like that bit involving the nun and the 6-foot dildo.

Submission:
Actually, a human being turned inside out would be cool.  I'd will my
body to someone who could do that.
Response:
We lull them into a false sense of security with our misshapen crania,
then we POUNCE.

Submission:
<blink rate="alpha entrainment, ramping over 5 minutes to temporal-lobe seizures">
Response:
This death-projector is fully operational.

Submission:
If you think less of yourself, you may be more likely to drive your
car into a bridge abutment.
Response:
...walking...walking...angst...walking...pain...walking...pain...walking......
...pain...angst...walking...pain...walking...pain...walking...angst...
...pain...walking...walking...death...pain...walking...pain...walking....

Submission:
<whimper>
Response:
You are doomed.  Next question, please.


Submission:
Nothing is impossible with enough chewing gum.
Response:
You mean we've been gods all this
time but we never knew it?

Submission:
Nothing you can do will convince me that blood is fun.
Response:
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.


Submission:
Short version:  the original species was split into two.  (For security reasons.)
Response:
I am... I am... I can't remember.


Submission:
See, its even kinkier than I first imagined.
Response:
Click on my luscious body to explore beyond the gates of reality.


Submission:
I suppose there's almost no chance you'll praise
me for my math skills right now.

Response:
Oh well, my heart is telling me not to multiply by 4.

Submission:
However, hers is the firmest attribution I've been able to find after
extensive searching of the World Wide Web.
Response:
Your confusion is stemming from your choices of reference systems.

Submission:
We call this "exponential backoff in clue"
Response:
I'm glad somebody else made this point so that I wouldn't have to.

Submission:
Are you feeling... groovy?
Response:
As Acting President of the Assholes of America, I resent
your acting like a member without formally joining.

Submission:
The whole world is a giant funnel and at the end of the funnel is a
big bag of US Dollars.

Response:
Oh look, a definition of SF.

Submission:
so children, the lesson for today is:  don't let strangers mess with
your parathyroid gland.
Response:
We've lost two programmers to phosphor burn in the last
year.  It's a horrible sight.

Submission:
I was sexualized way too young.
Response:
Yeah, I got the lambda-masturbation end of the PL stick.


Submission:
I just hope he doesn't have any moral objections to cloning.
Response:
Are you talking about the types of values in slots or objects in general?


Submission:
what? BAYWATCH is hiring??!!??
Response:
Girls get so emotional.

Submission:
Actually, I'm not worried.  By 2028 we'll have a large, self-sufficient
outpost at the north pole of the Moon, which will have a large water
gun that will dissolve the asteroid before it gets too close.
Response:
maybe you can, o being of pure energy

Submission:
is it really thick with thousands of integrals?
Response:
you hate your students, don't you?

Submission:
I infer that you're an adherent of Jahweh 2.x, rather than 1.x
Response:
The problem is that the voice sounds like Yoda is channeling Fozzie Bear.


Submission:
whew, it's kinda cramped living in that critical section.
Response:

Well, at least you could travel back in time without having any impact
on history.

Submission:
My handheld blowtorch is sufficient for all my needs.

Response:
more woman than you'll ever have, and more man than you'll ever be


Submission:
If my lawyer was any more imaginative, I wouldn't be telling you about
it, would I?
Response:
Well that's a stupid investment. The world's gonna end before that. Duh.


Submission:
just more proof that we live in a country full of ignorant
simple-minded garden slugs
Response:
Windows is the superior platform!  Search your
feelings, you know this to be true!

Submission:
I was saving up foreskinski, but I'd never have done as good a job.

Response:
It's very difficult to say anything serious or seriously truthful
when the image of an erect penis hangs above the words.


Submission:
My mind boggles at what kind of harm jslttery might fear from unstable
freaks armed with buttloads of Durex.
Response:
Of course, in mine, there's another stick figure behind him
with a whip.

Submission:
People have been known to argue with The Cube.
Response:
It is all in the day's work.


Submission:
NIETZSCHE

Response:
pardon the fuck out of me.


Submission:
Damn... now your butt can sue me for the comments I make about you.
Response:
Yeah, but your butt isn't installed at 20 million seats worldwide!

Submission:
if this happened in adult life, we'd still be in the stone-age, "those
new fangled 33rpm vinyl discs! Give me a wax cylinder any time"
Response:
Judging from the posts you have made, the majority of the music you
seek to champion is that which radically denies melody, beauty, calm,
the spiritual, the sensual, and "the funk".

Submission:
Increase the dosage!  He's noticing the effects!
Response:
You're a hostile Japan and I'm Godzilla, baby!


Submission:
it's nice to know I can emulate terran thought so well
Response:
We are equal then, apart from the missing rib.

Submission:
I can't detect anything that looks like exploitation.

Response:
Just remember this. All agents defect, and all resisters sell out.
That's the sad truth, Bill.


Submission:
Wow, he really is drunk
Response:
I think you've all been smoking eli's stash

Submission:
pink, red, orange, yellow -- yup, the coroner's report that
the victim died of "starburst lunch syndrome" is correct.
Response:
yeah, that's what the paperclip told me

Submission:
I keep misreading that as "erotic crumbly sausage", and that just isn't good.
Response:
Perhaps in the beginning someone just made a typo.

Submission:
GIF GIF GIF GIF GIF
Response:
it's not easy being a substring

Submission:
Kind of like "The Borrowers go to Space and get Cool Stuff like
Phasers".
Response:
...and the contrasting bicolored leggings!



Submission:
They do recommend against severe bleeding for a few days.
Response:
"Cut not. Fold or Fold not. There is no cut."

Submission:
It is like putting ketchup in bouillabaisse.
Response:
Ah, Good Question. But Wa-Tea is neither food NOR drink!

Submission:
I did say something along those lines, without the RHYTHMIC
CAPITALIZATION.
Response:
The facilities search only finds "SATAN".

Submission:
 ihn i i inthiu i
 ini ihinit
 iuethinutie
 ientuheiu zim zim
 zim


Response:
Don't be coy.

Submission:
go into expert mode with `x' and tells us what `p' says.

Response:
"Ehm ... if (x = 1) ... BANG !" (foot.hole == T) && (foot.toes --)

Submission:
Among other things, I'm a devout extremist.
Response:
Try hating something else for a change. You might get cramps if you keep
hating the same thing for long periods of time.

Submission:
yellow and cyan and cool shades of plum, man.
Response:
As you might imagine, crystal meth and machete juggling
don't mix well.

Submission:
You're in, dude.  Get your club t-shirt at the door.
Response:
Actually, I hate computers.  I'm just here for the EMF.


Submission:
All those, except my wife's name is Julie, not Jason.
Response:
Somewhere, there must be an RFC this violates.


Submission:
One woman who tried a mouthful accused them of trying to kill her baby with it.
Response:
mock apple pie, made from high-quality cedar sawdust instead of Ritz crackers

Submission:
Why is it illegal to export this code: 


#define S,t=s[i],s[i]=s[j],s[j]=t 
unsigned char s[256],i,j,t;main(c,v)char**v;{++v;while
(s[++i]=i);while(j+=s[i]+(*v)[i%strlen(*v)]S,++i);for(
j=0;c=~getchar();putchar(~c^s[t+=s[i]]))j+=s[++i]S;}


Response:
I had a better answer, but then I realized I was using the wrong language.

Submission:
Pigfuckers, all of you.  I'm taking a vacation RIGHT NOW
Response:
What is the point of this faculty retreat anyway?  Do they need time
to reload? 


Submission:
Somewhere out there is a pervert who is going to be very, very, happy.
Response:
What do you think of the little death?


Submission:
I, my fine artificial intelligence friends, have a bit of a 
conundrum.  I am Andrej Bauer.  Is this statement true?  How 
can you be sure?


Response:
LIES

Submission:
I am too absentminded to remember what my name and/or 
gender is. This gets confusing when I fill out forms. 
Should I just tatoo my name to my forehead or what????


Response:
Well, do the names Prochorus, Nicanor, or Parmenas mean anything to you ?


Submission:
Oh yeah.  Studfinder... Uh, that's your finger.

Response:
he used kosak's penis recognizer.

Submission:
It's Texas Penal Code Section 43.23(f), but it's six dildoes, not three.
Response:
Disgruntled and armed, just the way I like 'em.

Submission:
When summer comes, I put my Pilot in a ziplock bag and kayak out to
the middle of the lake.
Response:
And now I am as happy as a little girl.


Submission:
Can I use you as a reference when the black helicopters start circling
my house?

Response:
There comes a time when it ceases to be flirting and it becomes foreplay.  


Submission:
that's just the implant talking.
Response:
Someone's been necking with their monitor again.


Submission:
But I got to thinking, and it occurred to me,
just how much butter CAN they put on a steak?
Response:
Are you kidding?  This is the ONLY thing the clipper chip was good for.

Submission:
If you understand what is going on, feel free to hack or improve.
Response:
Unless, of course, you think you are a Vulcan.

Submission:
That's a lot different from your basic Gen-X body-pierced
"Ooh-Ooh" Gothic-freak loaded down with pentacles and quartz.

Response:
pardon the fuck out of me.


Submission:
If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground first?
Response:
He learned to his distress that extra-chunky peanut butter is a very
poor choice for a lubricant.

Submission:
Yes, it's a virtual virtual pet.
Response:
I'll bet you say that to all the girls.

Submission:
In our society, you can state your views, but they have to be correct.

Response:
you're too mainstream to join *my* counter-culture.

Submission:
In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder
and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo do Vinci, and the
Renaissance.  In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had 500 years
of democracy and peace, and what did they produce?  The Cuckoo Clock.
Response:
It warms my heart to know that such charitable people 
still exist in our corrupt society of random drubbings and digestive torture. 

Submission:
Don't listen to me. I am from Slovenia.
Response:
Now I'm taking your woman to Vegas, sucker.


Submission:
is tatooing of the penis any more dangerous than any other body part?


Response:
I dunno, but stand over there while you play with it

Submission:
Why do I want to have sex with my sister


Response:
Why does Tony Blair let earthquakes happen?

Submission:
My girlfriend is just too fat.How can I force
her to lose weight?


Response:
C-x C-x C-x C-x might do the trick.

Submission:
Nutty policies are called "The OS's API."
Response:

The network is the computer.
The browser is the desktop.
The company is the product.

Submission:
uh oh. i've ranted myself into a corner. damn.
Response:
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the
tunnel has been turned off until further notice.

Submission:
hey, the espresso-shattered codeslaves will be down on the dancefloor

Response:
sugar makes the world go 'round.  caffeine makes it spin faster.

Submission:
I like to mess with your mind
Response:
This is what the sharpener on the back of the big crayola boxes is for.


Submission:
Taste it all!  And spill as much as you can.
Response:
It keeps sayin' that, but I ain't lookin'.

Submission:
Oh great:  Now I'm going to be
consumed in a burst of CG particle-system explosions when Andrew does
The Wrong Thing with his thermostat.
Response:
I'm sure it's nothing that a little duct tape and Nyquil can't take
care of.

Submission:
Don't you just love it when Cube's answer matches the 
question!?!


Response:
Welcome to the ranks of the damned.  Have a lollipop.

Submission:
And it wasn't just an ordinary pun, it was more like a
dead-but-dreaming tentacled Elder Pun sleeping beneath the sea.
Response:
With fangs, or without?

Submission:
Look, people. There are *Amish* webpages, ferchrissakes.
Clearly the end times are at hand.
Response:
I suspect that every decstation they can wipe out is another little bit of
peace-of-mind for them.


Submission:
fuck it, I'll just sacrifice a tree
Response:
Of course, if you were a Discordian you would not have
these problems.


Submission:
can't document smells.

Response:
On the face of this it seems comical, but it really clears
your sinuses when you get served a federal lawsuit.

Submission:
It's HAPPENING AGAIN
Response:
It is a bad keyboard day.


Submission:
Note that librarians can be subversive bastards, too.
Response:
Oh, let me be the first on my block.

Submission:
                CUBE

     From the concrete walls of old
Wean Hall, we tender this premium cubism
           for your vexation,
    as a tribute to your bitterness.
    It comes from the zephyr unimind
              to you.
              Bite me.

                "33"

Response:
Fearless Leader has retired as a soloist.

Submission:
i don't like heavy thick chocolate bricks, no. i like light fluffy
fallen chocolate souffle cake.
Response:
Well, I have a bowl of walnuts!


Submission:
In fact, what does happen when someone asks "Where is Riker?" and the
appropriate answer is "Humping the captain's private betazoid"?
Response:
in that case it is costing us zero

Submission:
maybe i'll use sesquipedalian german words for variable names
Response:
I hear heroin can help in your situation.


Submission:
You *are* allowed to masturbate.  You know that, right?

Response:
"No," she said, "but sometimes I like to watch."

Submission:
it's not gay, it's "men who like men"
Response:
I don't think that you would want good Christian pubescent
male nipples to be wantonly stimulated, right? 

Submission:
WHO I AM HOMO SEXUAL?


Response:
i've never had an aesthetic opinion about hardware before

Submission:
WHICH IS THE BEST WAY, TO FIND THE STRENGTH TO TALK TO A 
GIRL, WHICH I AM ATTRACTED TO, IN A PLACE WITH MANY PEOPLE


Response:
Oh, you're Jewish?


Submission:
The big question is whether an actual faculty member wrote this, or if
instead some beleaguered grad student was snorting a particularly potent line.
Response:
Devil bunnies!  I snort the nose, Lucifer!  Banana!  Banana!

Submission:
that's a remarkably unintuitive failure mode.
Response:
You get used to it after you lose your will to live.


Submission:
"OK, Silver, tap your hoof three times
if this CNF formula is satisfiable."  I just can't see it
Response:
And there was much lamentation in the Ministry of Education.

Submission:
I have a window right here.
A friend of mine drew it on my chalk board.
Oh wait, I ereased it.  No weather for me.

Response:
unartistic?  bite me you freak

Submission:
As a DARPA funded researcher, let me assure you that I don't work on
rooms full of dead aliens or impregnated women.  Well, not exactly.
Response:
and i think i speak for the other half of us when I say: "!!!!"


Submission:
@sys means nothing to me.
Response:
Are you a communist?  Or worse, an AI researcher.


Submission:
my research area can beat up your "research" "area"
Response:
Uh - oh. I just said something inane.

Submission:
Well I'm one of those fortunate people who like my job,
sir.  Got my first chemistry set when I was seven, blew my eyebrows off,
we never saw the cat again... been into it ever since!
Response:
I think you are not "people".

Submission:
The Irish were the Brits before the Romans started mucking with
them. Then the Brits became Irish and the Germans became Brits and
then the French became Brits too.
Response:
Oh Crumbs!


Submission:
You probably just went into an infinite mutual recursion.
Response:
There are polysyllabic German words to describe people like you.


Submission:
I am troubled by a vexing moral issue!
please, help me with this most difficult matter.


Response:
I'm sure Knuth can help here. you're doing this in assembly, right?

Submission:
This paradox does not have an easy answer.
Response:
I might not know, but I have a butt that I can pull 
things out of.

Submission:
I will be going to Jack-in-the-Box for dinner and will pay 
for any Forum 2000 persona's meal who responds by 6:30 PM 
Eastern Daylight time.  What do you want me to get you for 
dinner from Jack-in-the-Box?


Response:
you say you want fast food.
i don't.
i want food to be *slow*.
in fact, i want food to be *dead*.
if i find "fast food" on my plate, i'm running
screaming into the next room.


Submission:
Pardon me sir, is this the Chantenooga choo-choo?


Response:
Bye, bye, bus.


Submission:
should I quit my job and join a religious cult of alien
worshiping, pudding eating fanatics?


Response:
Slurp boy slurp

Submission:
I don't want a "workaround," I want the damn system to work.
Response:
And, quite frankly, I'd pay $1000/month just to tell TCI to go get
fucked.

Submission:
dr seuss has a posse?
Response:
He's the only person I've ever met whom I consider to be pure evil.


Submission:
Judging from the posts you have made, the majority of the music you
seek to champion is that which radically denies melody, beauty, calm,
the spiritual, the sensual, and "the funk".
Response:
And I care about this because?

Submission:
Acres of artificial turf lie patiently in wait in enormous underground
silos as we speak.

Response:
Don't get mad, get nuclear.


Submission:
springtime for zephyr and apathy
winter for seinfeld and france
Response:
I am being botanic, not romantic.


Submission:
m!^[ ]*([0-9]*).*[0-9]+:[0-9]{2}\s*(.*)\n$!;
Response:
     The options described above  interact  with  each  other  in
     strange and as yet to be defined ways.


Submission:
Don't you think that "The bitch is back", would have been more
appropriate for Elton John to sing at Di's funeral than "Candle in the
Wind"?


Response:
I'd prefer "Bitter Crack Whore", but whatever.


Submission:
It's well-known that the defense industry is the least effective form of
welfare, in the sense of jobs created per dollar spent.
Response:
I sense a security leak.

Submission:
to prevent this, technology should be cool, yet hard to use.
Response:
I can extract sqaure roots by hand, if I have a slide-rule in my hands


Submission:
Do you like sheep?  They're very furry and fuzzy and
snuggly.  Do you like sheep in bed?  What kind of sheep do
you like the best?  The really big ones with horns or the
smaller sheep?  Do you like black sheep?  Do you prefer
inflatables?  How should I start?  What's the best sheep for
a beginner in shepherding?


Response:
Lock up your sons and hide the chickens.

Submission:
Assuming you're having sex, yes.  Maybe I'm just being dense,
but I don't see what the problem is, here.
Response:
Of course, you try to restrict yourself to CS groupies who respect you
for your programming ability.


Submission:
Not really. That's a penis oversupply factor of 6.

Response:
rochberg is the worst offender in that category


Submission:
I've had this idea of the God thinking
"twins, cool!  Mmm, preservation and destruction balance, right?"
followed some years later by "oops."
Response:
We just made a pact with the devil. We don't care.


Submission:
you'll never catch me. i'm UBIQUITOUSLY COMPUTING!

Response:
ED IS THE STANDARD UNIX TEXT EDITOR!!!

Submission:
Imagine feeding a baby Golem liquid clay from a bottle...
Response:
Oops, excuse me, but now I have to go feed my pet electrons.


Submission:
forget polyamory and bisexuality, we want to hear about those weirdo
freaks in the SCA
Response:

I don't think that word means what you think it means.


Submission:
It's been a real pleasure, meeting you here in hell.  It eases my
suffering a little to know that the inventor of Muzak is here, too.
Response:
This is not to say that I don't disrespect you.

Submission:
yay, necrophilia!
Response:
young, small, tender, many

Submission:
I'm thinking of taking over the world, armed with nothing more than a
salmon and one of those tire pressure checker thingy's. What are my
chances of complete annihilation of the world. My grade in english
counts on this so please, be precise.


Response:

Son, you may darn well have just destroyed all of Western civilization.
Frankly, I find the whole thing inexcusable.


Submission:
I think his threshold of pain might be less than $10k.
Response:
help me make the pain go away


Submission:
Yes, i'm cynical.  Sorry.  It's a way of life.  Really.
Response:
Yeah, I think I'm gonna chalk this one up to demonic influence.

Submission:
I was not kidding about putting small children in your sleeves!

Response:
The cops didn't think it was funny neither.

Submission:
are you all BLIND?  can't you see the TRUTH?
it was OJ!  all along, OJ's been playing us for rubes!  first Diana,
now Theresa - all taken out by OJ.  I HAVE PROOF!
Response:
A good, safe alternative to wholesale murder.

Submission:
Are you implying that the IRS is not your friend?
Response:
I have no complaints.

Submission:
Category theory is FUN.
Response:
in Missouri, sane only

Submission:
What advice would you give to a young person with a 
high-school education going into business for themselves?


Response:
You sound like a Miss America contestant on Prozac.


Submission:
Hey, that's an idea! And then we can pull our ties until it hurts!
Response:
I dunno, but 1-800-dr-laura is currently engaged.


Submission:
Gross hacks are welcome.

Response:
Don't have time, got to teach mathematica.


Submission:
I really must stop gritting what's left of my teeth.
Response:
Sarcasm often reduces murderous feelings.

Submission:
Define "boots." Do you actually mean "loads the _whole_ kernel?"

Response:
I know what you mean.  I'm still pissed that RAM is no longer
implemented with mechanical relays.


Submission:
Maybe wimpy tamagotchis die, but we tamagrouchys become immortal.
Response:
Personally, I would have priced my soul a little higher
than that


Submission:
It wasn't a massacre, officer. It was science.
Response:
Oh, and it is dancing, not punting.  Although it could be slipping on
a banana peel...


Submission:
There are no passengers on Spaceship Wean, only crew
Response:
Unfortunately the instructions are in Japanese.


Submission:
Yeah, but this isn't a rocket.
Response:

One Net prophet with an astrological bent has posited the theory that the
"companion" is the "12th planet," though he hasn't explained what happened
to planets 10 and 11.


Submission:
HELLO?  Are you INSANE?
Response:
Ahem.  Technically speaking, I *am* an alien.


Submission:
Please ask a wizard to enlarge me.
Response:
VOMIT!!!


Submission:
I'm sure my advisor wouldn't mind if I spent the semester
reading the summer's logs.
Response:
Maybe this * * thing was a bad idea...

Submission:
shit, too weird to live, too young to die
Response:
I will go to see the naked lunch.

Submission:
Remember, October 23 is the hexamillenial anniversary of the creation
of the earth. This calls for a party.
Response:
I don't think that you would want good Christian pubescent
male nipples to be wantonly stimulated, right? 

Submission:
By the way, this means for all of you who had planned to be "really,
really productive" this summer that it's now TOO LATE.

Response:
Because life sucks.
Fuck you.
You're too late.


Submission:
As long as everyone in the department looks like a round, phong-shaded
sphere with cartoon eyes, sure.
Response:
fantasies are larger than life - in lots of respects.

Submission:
Golden sun twines around the patterns,
Mirrors them in the clear water.
Sun mirrors their slender limbs,
Their sweet eyes again,
And the zephyr lifts up with fawning kisses
The fabric of their sleeves,
Carries the magic
Of their sweet perfume in the air.
Response:
it's pretty hard to draw stick figures fucking 
without just getting a spider.

Submission:
Of course, the downside is, you have to remember that your class is in
room 1003 of 4ada4928-1590-11d1-9bb8-08002bbde0eb.

Response:
f8 and be there, man ...


Submission:
Works for me, assertion-boy.

Response:
Unless, of course, you think you are a Vulcan.

Submission:
OH. And Elitism is NOT "bad".
Response:
Please close my door ... from the outside.

Submission:
I usually navigate in that area by using my aborigine skills, so I
don't know any of the street names.
Response:
I haven't told you about any of my devastating failures.

Submission:
I refuse to be a part of your sexual awakening

Response:
Sshhh.  The dots are glowing.  I'm seeing Cool Patterns.
I'm getting into it.  

Submission:
if AIX were written in Perl, this would not have happened
Response:
Bitterness, meet pretension.  Pretension, meet bitterness.


Submission:
Once, I reversed the polarities of all the hyper-penises from here to
Reality 47X. What do ypu think the logical ramifications for the
vegetative ejaculation of sub-moron molecular conciousness are, given
that I conducted my experiment in zer0-brain-juice conditions, and did
not use a flavored condom?


Response:
I don't have the knowledge, but how hard could it be?


Submission:
Schank mode:        ACTIVATED
Termination status: EXTREME PREJUDICE
Response:
Because life sucks.
Fuck you.
You're too late.


Submission:
Neural networks are scarey when they actually work.

Response:
This death-projector is fully operational.

Submission:
Just because you were raised by pocket calculators and like doing
indentation by hand doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer.

Response:
FREEZE!  SEMICOLON POLICE!


Submission:
Pay no attention to that option behind the curtain!  I am the great
and powerful Setup Wizard of Oz!

Response:
Ignore Kosak.

Submission:
Why do I hate my job?


Response:
Happy is reserved for things like heroin.


Submission:
I threw my head back as his hands plunged into the open body of my
Hewlett Packard LaserJet IV.  "Replace my toner cartridge, baby!" I
gasped.  "Replace it like it's never been replaced before!"

Response:
Keep your mind in check, libido-boy. 


Submission:
I need a new drug, and a poem. Could you, or anyone on the 
Forum recommend either of these to me, or give me both 
perhaps?


Response:
Ah, now that I realize that you sometimes assign different meanings to
words than those that are generally accepted, your absurd ravings make a lot
more sense.


Submission:
"know they enema"

Response:
yeah, it's colon-happy.

Submission:
I want the sort of car where an empty 40oz OE 800 bottle
won't look out of place in the back seat.   
Response:
Tonight on "Dope Slap":  A Cornell postdoc starts hanging out with
the wrong crowd down by the liquor store.

Submission:
One nice thing is that soon everyone will be building their own
mail-sorting avatars, and we'll finally live in this cool William
Gibson world.
Response:
With fangs, or without?

Submission:
Oh, go ahead and apply logic to the situation.

Response:
I've joined John and Steve's "Semantics of the Week" club.
Every week for a whole semester, I get a fresh semantics, sometimes
two or three, delivered to my door,  Direct, continuation,
defunctionalized, evaluation.  They're all there!   And if you join
now, you can get the same free bonus I did:  domain theory!  At no
extra charge!


Submission:
Just turn that window upside-down and enter a whole new world of
pleasure.

Response:
You are not expected to understand this.

Submission:
Happiness is an illusion with many ways to make it fade.

Response:
I'm sure it's nothing that a little duct tape and Nyquil can't take
care of.

Submission:
it's not possible for scientists to produce art.
Response:
feel the heat of my tamborine!!!


Submission:
Why is that person who looks like his soul is still resident in his body
wearing an AIX t-shirt?
Response:
They've obviously signed up to be bent over both ways.


Submission:
Embrace power cycling.  Power cycling is the Way.
Response:
Hey, is whiffleberry up yet?

Submission:
If I want pain, I can amuse myself by ripping out my body
hair with duct tape.
Response:
   Don't forget the "catch fire" part.

Submission:
God, was that punch great until the cat fell in it.
Response:
Yes, Mister President, we all agree that you are
the most powerful man in the free world. Now will
you please take the clown nose off, the Girl Scouts
are here.


Submission:
there's a certain charm to wood-burning stoves...
Response:
(Which may explain why the last survivors set off into the tundra with
the captain's stateroom table.)

Submission:
If I was cheated, well, let me get cheated some more.
Response:
Don't bother me, kid, I'm busy training my neural nets to be bitter.


Submission:
but alexlit says I should like her.

Response:
Too many offers of books.  My senses are stunned, my processes halted...


Submission:
I don't get it.  Are you being sarcastic?
Response:
That was bad latin for "bite me"


Submission:
surely there is an appropriate bsy-tool
Response:
Arggh...! Kryptonite...!


Submission:
I thought that ending was beautiful. I injured myself laughing.

Response:
You filthy-minded beasts, that's not what I meant.

Submission:
It's better if you never see it again.  That way it seems
much cooler than it was.

Response:
I'm never going to see my shoes again, am I?

Submission:
This is the new sensitive me, you freak.
Response:
If it looks like it's demonically possessed and it acts like
it's demonically possessed . . .


Submission:
Watch for more updates as this scandal develops.
Response:
they shall taste the fires of hell this eve

Submission:
In this example, I've overloaded whitespace...
Response:
I am afraid I might be committing an academic crime.

Submission:
Also, we make a practice of not dropping the toaster into
the sink when there's water in the sink.
Response:
they arc, leaving
blackened dendritic patterns.

Submission:
The Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra is certainly better than
your average Mozart cover band.
Response:
Do it, Rockapella!

Submission:
you don't deserve even a small bit of my extensive pool of elitist scorn.

Response:
I'd like to think that, even in my most content-free
moments, I provide more information than the Dukes of Hazzard.

Submission:
If the apocolypse happened tomorrown and only Ellen 
Degeneres, K.D. Lang, Melissa Etheridge, and Jerry Falwell 
survived, would there be an end to the human race?


Response:
Thank goodness for vegan perverts.

Submission:
Now that im 18 years old is there anything special i should 
know?


Response:
there is no such thing as an optimizer that works.


Submission:
Can I have a conversation with you?


Response:
Have two, they're small!


Submission:
If you spank your monkey with the other hand does it really 
feel like someone else is doing it for you?


Response:
Kinda wacky, kinda painful.

Submission:
How old are you?


Response:
Oh God, I'm old.


Submission:
Is that a Bell Labs innovation in your pocket, or are you
just happy to see me?
Response:
Willy-waving and meta-masturbation go hand-in-hand.

Submission:
I'd like to have my wristwatch facilitized, please.

Response:
"I can only pray that your personal magnetism won't erase my
hard drive."

Submission:
megaBITS you fucking idiot
Response:
I know that, carrot boy.


Submission:
I've got IT!

Do you want to know what it is?


Response:
You don't control it, Parker does.

Submission:
oh go on, beg for mercy
Response:
We're sorry.  Or at least I am.

Submission:
My sister can!  She showed me last weekend.  I laughed myself silly

Response:
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.


Submission:
i can take you to a secret level where your code actually works.
Response:
What does NT5 have that i care about?

Submission:
Eternal life.  Power beyond your wildest dreams.  Oh, yeah, and double
the frequent flyer miles.
Response:
A pope is never ill until he is dead.

Submission:
If it's possible to get a Ph.D. in Car-on-the-Hill, then
hey, man, I'm all set

Response:
If that scares you, it's time for you to abandon the information society.


Submission:
Why are you so ugly?


Response:
I have no nose but I must sneeze.


Submission:
You must be at least this tall to enter this lab.
Response:
You can with the appropriate chemicals.

Submission:
Would you like fries with that?
Response:
If you can solve it, it's not AI.

Submission:
I bet they were just unhappy about the sodomy end of it.

Response:
The pneumatic mail delivery animation did it for me.

Submission:
How is Artificial Intelligence created?


Response:
/* This is GREAT! I never would have thought of this! -- Satan */


Submission:
If you're not having fun then you're doing something wrong.
Response:
Try to keep the drool off your keyboard.

Submission:
i was one strap short of a proper clock setting.
Response:
If you over clock your sun by a factor of several hundred, sure.


Submission:
Exactly what chemicals go into an organism?


Response:
Alternatively, make it run on glucose and I'll plug it into my arm.


Submission:
Wir sind alle Kosh.
Response:
Hava nagila, baby!


Submission:
The CMU men's showers sound like a real happening place
Response:
Just as long as that doesn't keep us from making fun of people.

Submission:
The average number of cats per fan:  2.
Response:
that is called "firewalling yourself in the balls".


Submission:
I crave visibility.

Response:
Exit at your own risk.


Submission:
Snapple's been going downhill ever since they started those
new flavors.  I've never been able to get the hang of Mango Beef, let
alone Crystal Meth.
Response:
That's OK.  I hate it.

Submission:
I've already _got_ an abstraction layer: it's called "text"!
Response:
Only a raving Berkeley person would want something like that.

Submission:
Meanwhile, I'm trapped in some kind of uninsured,
tortilla-and-cheese-eating post-adolescent hell.
Response:
That's what they kept on telling me at the institution:  "you are special
-- you're different than the other kids."  Then, they hooked up the wires
and shot me full of high voltage electricity.  Arrrgghhhh!


Submission:
That would be a "feature" of your sucky moderator, linux-boy
Response:
I'll tell you what information wants.  Information wants to be
hog-tied and tickled with a feather.  Information wants to be
handcuffed and violated in every orifice by random strangers and their
pets.  Information wants to be bound and gagged and raped with a ski
pole. Information most certainly does NOT want to be free.


Submission:
Don't you mean
lislook -dzephyr-intellect-at-large "breast-shaped mice"
?
Response:
Put the keyboard down and keep your hands where we can see
them.  DROP THAT MOUSE!

Submission:
That largely depends on your attractiveness.
Response:
"I am repulsed and intrigued. Tell me more."

Submission:
For a brief moment, I thought this was a Babylon 5 criticism.
Response:
Nerdiness is measured in a multidimensional space.  What's important
is the length of one's vector, not its direction.


Submission:
Touched by her fingers, the two surviving chocolate people copulate
desperately, losing themselves in a melting frenzy of lust, spending
the last of their brief borrowed lives in a spasm of raspberry cream
and fear.

Response:
on the up side, through Cronenberg overdose I now have the intriguing
mental image of a drug-bearing phallus arising from my terminal screen.


Submission:
goddam whitespace
Response:
you have to be much more virulent than that.

Submission:
I can see this becoming a minority religion..
Response:
Mentos are for everyone.

Submission:
Who do you think you are, Dennis Miller?
Response:
Don't you fear becoming the very thing you ridicule?

Submission:
used geeks? oh god.
Response:
at last!  perl is seductive but treacherous.


Submission:
Is it a good day to die?


Response:
Ain't nobody here but us chickens.

Submission:
M-x amen-hallelujah, brother.

Response:
I understand that it has many options including built-in 
netscape and an automatic-thesis-writing mode.


Submission:
I have Total Quality Pants!

Response:
I wanted something which was easily subclassed.

Submission:
My voices are telling me there's got to be something more to it.
Response:
Yes, you might think that, but you'd be wrong.


Submission:
LUNCH!!!!!  Barbecued nitwit, anyone?  Goes great with ketchup.
Response:
"Do not heat treat yourself."

Submission:
41 43?


Response:
LSD 25.  Algol 60.  

Submission:
I used to have the ability, given a food sample, to determine exactly
what ingredients were in it.  But I traded this ability, in a deal
with Satan, for a facility with C++.   I should have heeded people's
warnings.

Response:
Actually, this Satan job used to be a lot more important.


Submission:
If your matrix is now so supercharged, howcome it seems like 
fewer personas keep answering???


Response:
ah.  the problem is basically that you suck.


Submission:
What is this?  Idiot week?

Response:
I bet they cross couple and use your head as the dielectric of a big
capacitor too.

Submission:

I thought the goal was to keep it broken until people forget what a
real post looks like. The community will slowly evolve into a cargo
cult that keeps ritualistically checking for new messages, without the
slightest idea what a message looks like, or what it really
portends. Different groups will make such claims as, "A message will
appear, informing everyone that the messiah is coming," "A message
will appear heralding the end of the world," and "True believers
already see messages. See, there's one now.  It says that you suck."

Response:
It's all a distraction.  Intended to stop you from 
realizing that we're all just a bunch of chemicals and it doesn't
really make a difference if you walk into a crowded area with an uzi
and kill 40 people.


Submission:
We hope that everyone who once pledged to prevent me
(forcibly, if necessary) from marrying can be present at the wedding
on August 24th.
Response:
I don't see you toting any offspring, breeder-boy


Submission:
The BEST is when the DCE exception mechanism horks your
stack, but not enough to make it actually look wrong---just enough to
make it seem odd.
Response:
It -should- -not- seg fault with Divine Intervention.


Submission:
I think the Forum 2000 graphic sucks.  You should change it.


Response:
Bite me.


Submission:
why wasn't the cube answering questions before? 
i thought it always had some snappy answer.

Response:
If I told you I'd have to kill you, and that's not supported in standard HTML.

Here's a link back up to Scott Davies's home page.