The Cube:
Selections from the Hall of Fortuitous Random Number Generation


CUBE

From the concrete walls of old
Wean Hall, we tender this premium cubism
for your vexation,
as a tribute to your bitterness.
It comes from the zephyr unimind
to you.
Bite me.

"33"


Submission:
For one thing, Chess isn't very funny. For another, you never get to
shoot anyone. 
Response:
Where *did* Prof. Vrsalovic get that Kalashnikov AK-47?

Submission:
I mean, think how you'd feel if a journal rejected a paper you wrote
and you saw they were accepting articles by rats.
Response:
One day you'll be grateful to me for taking the time each day to teach
you to withstand relentless and wanton cruelty.
Submission:
BTFPWIMMA! INNA. IHGOMS? No, IKYA.

Response:
I can only understand "You want spicy?". Then I nod vigorously.
Submission:
Tell me, o wise and generous Forum.  What is the best way to
pass a final exam?


Response:
Tequila and Seconal.  Why do you ask?
Submission:
I threw my head back as his hands plunged into the open body of my
Hewlett Packard LaserJet IV.  "Replace my toner cartridge, baby!" I
gasped.  "Replace it like it's never been replaced before!"

Response:
Keep your mind in check, libido-boy. 

Submission:
Jupiter really fucking pisses me off!  It doesn't even have a surface!
Fucking gaseous spineless jovian mega planet!  And what's with that
big red spot?
Response:
You're just testosterone-poisoned, so you're always mad at something.
That's why you get things done.
Submission:
Nothing you can do will convince me that blood is fun.
Response:
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.

Submission:
Fission happens when Jesus can't hold on any more.
Response:
let's just say that this guy's a few horsemen short of an apocalypse.
Submission:
You can't go listening to every fucking little voice that pops into
your head.
Response:
KILL THEM ALL AND LET THE DEMONS SORT THEM OUT
Submission:
Don't you think that "The bitch is back", would have been more
appropriate for Elton John to sing at Di's funeral than "Candle in the
Wind"?


Response:
I'd prefer "Bitter Crack Whore", but whatever.

Submission:
The big question is whether an actual faculty member wrote this, or if
instead some beleaguered grad student was snorting a particularly potent line.
Response:
Devil bunnies!  I snort the nose, Lucifer!  Banana!  Banana!
Submission:
Look, people. There are *Amish* webpages, ferchrissakes.
Clearly the end times are at hand.
Response:
I suspect that every decstation they can wipe out is another little bit of
peace-of-mind for them.

Submission:
Increase the dosage!  He's noticing the effects!
Response:
You're a hostile Japan and I'm Godzilla, baby!

Submission:
I was sexualized way too young.
Response:
Yeah, I got the lambda-masturbation end of the PL stick.

Submission:
<whimper>
Response:
You are doomed.  Next question, please.

Submission:
I used to have the ability, given a food sample, to determine exactly
what ingredients were in it.  But I traded this ability, in a deal
with Satan, for a facility with C++.   I should have heeded people's
warnings.

Response:
Actually, this Satan job used to be a lot more important.

Submission:
I stared at them uncomprehendingly, unconsciously, with I suppose some small
amount of contempt.
Response:
Hey, they're not *my* genitalia.  I'm just an interested spectator
Submission:
It's the last gasp of a self-centered, dysfunctional, arrested
generation choking on the banal, irony-soaked detritus of its own
popular culture.
Response:
ooh!  can i watch?
Submission:
Is it not the beauty of an asynchronous form of discourse that one can go
and make cups of tea, floss the cat, fluff the geraniums, open the kitchen
window and scream out it with operatic force, volume, and decorum, and
then return to the vexed glowing letters calmer of mind and soul?
Response:
I was going to come up with a good metaphor but I think I'll save my breath.
Submission:
That's not love. That's Chris's keys.

Response:
Goals confused, passions raging, blunders abound.

Submission:
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-homonids.

Response:
what? BAYWATCH is hiring??!!??
Submission:
% howami
fatigue toxins: medium
hydration:      42%
fat reserves:   3 weeks         (sedentary typing w/o unnecessary eye-blinking)
you are hungry.
you are confused.
you have new mail.
Response:
I have an alpha that crashes all day, if that helps.
Submission:
one head to pat, one butt to kick
Response:
Is this a Zen koan?
Submission:
Dear NSA: Beer and wheaties.
Response:
My hovercraft is full of eels.

Submission:
Is it just me, or is this highway robbery without the stylish mask and
gun?
Response:
Ok, buddy, off the camel, hands on the hump and SPREAD 'EM ...

Submission:
I told Dave "Why don't you put the gun down and step away
from the edge," but did he listen to me?  

Response:
Remember, kids, always use your uzis responsibly.
Submission:
I like being tickled too.

Response:
I refuse to be a part of your sexual awakening

Submission:
I'm academic. I have references. See?

Response:
Tell us one that doesn't suck
Submission:
will I be torn limb from limb?
in a good way?
Response:
 Did you hear a snap?

Submission:
Have you ever been laid by a borg?


Response:
We are Cube.  Context is irrelevant.
Seriousness is futile.  You will be slurped.

Submission:
why... ugh... life... too much...

Response:
Guess that'll teach you to play chess while
stoned off your ass

Submission:
if i were you, i'd graduate first.
Response:

Look, the world doesn't stand still while you waste your
time on masturbatory trips of self-discovery.

Submission:
wow.  I love you all!  I love my thesis!  la la la la la la
Response:
so call me a twisted and malformed excuse for a forgotten life if you must.
Submission:
An overweight, left-handed Native-American lesbian dwarf
who is a socialist & feminist ... a public school teacher by day
& prostitute by night ... who also likes to mime.
Response:
Eject!  Eject!
Submission:
I am not your rented training monkey
Response:
My once submissive wife began to assert her opinions and would not
listen to my prideful orders.

Submission:
Just ignore him, he's not a PhD

Response:
Why don't you just tattoo "I'M A LOSER" on your forehead?
Submission:
Don't you just love it when Cube's answer matches the 
question!?!


Response:
Welcome to the ranks of the damned.  Have a lollipop.
Submission:
How is Artificial Intelligence created?


Response:
/* This is GREAT! I never would have thought of this! -- Satan */


Here's a link back up to Scott Davies's home page.